Dear Neverdyed,

good to hear from you! I’m fine, thanks.

My boss showed up looking upset, and I guessed it’s because of me even without obvious reasons.

I said again because I often think like that, and now I wonder what I can do to improve the issue in addition to find out why I tend to act like that.

First, it’s good that you’ve noticed it, and also that you’ve noticed it’s a pattern that comes up in similar situations: that you’re blaming  yourself. It most probably stems from your childhood, because the child always believes it’s their fault if the parent is unhappy or upset. With your boss you feel the same, because he’s an authority figure, so he evokes similar feelings of wanting to please him and get his approval, or avoid his judgment. He might have been upset because something totally unrelated to you, but you took it on yourself, believing it’s your fault.

What you can do is be aware of the pattern, and also work on understanding the family dynamic that led to this pattern. How did your parents made you feel guilty, even when you were completely innocent? You’d need to understand that it wasn’t your fault and refuse to take the blame on yourself.

Dear Neverdyed,

you’re welcome. No need to worry about popping up only when you need help. That’s what this forum is about – people asking for help, and then others hopefully answering if they feel they can help in some way. That’s different than being in a relationship, where constancy and dedication to each other is important.

Back to that pattern, if I can’t recall where it stems from in my childhood, would you suggest “persuading” myself to believe that I’m innocent?

Perhaps the pattern has to do with your mother accusing you of being selfish, and you believing her? I remember we talked about it a while ago…  Try to list everything you feel guilty about in your life (perhaps you can share some of that here), and then we can see how it may be related to your childhood.

Dear Neverdyed,

alright, it’s a deal. You take care of yourself too!