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  • #79733
    strong2015
    Participant

    Not sure what to do. I wrote a while ago about my relationship. My partner cheated on me. I decided to stay. We have moved forward but in many ways it feels like 3 steps forward one step back.

    The positive is what we have gained in this time is a genuine appreciation for each other again. I feel like I know him better, we’re more respectful of each other e.g. he recharges through relaxing watching tvc etc, I’m more extroverted the talker, socialiser. We found compromises where he’ll always let me talk about my things and then we’ll have down time, reading, watching tv. I know he genuinely cares for me and values my opinion. We spend most weekends together and probably one weeknight.

    I love him because, he stimulates my mind, he challenges me, makes me grow, we have amazing adventures and he makes me laugh.

    But I still feel anxious when to comes to us. One area of our relationship that has taken awhile to come back is the physical side. I talked to him about this last weekend saying that I felt like we’re connecting but not there and we needed to prioritise that or decide we are better as friends. He agreed and wanted time to think, so I decided to respect that but after a day of activities we did make love all be it rather awkwardly. So in his actions it feels like he wants that to develop to it but he hasn’t said as much. So i’m not sure what do think.

    Which brings me to my other point. I genuinely know we mean a lot to each other but I don’t feel like that he is 120% committed. I feel like I instigate us spending more time together. He does suggest things, making Sunday our adventure day, dinner for my b’day but often I’ll say should we have dinner tonight and he’ll say if you feel like it, I’m easy, have dinner with your friends if you want. I know it sounds like a minor thing but for some reason would love that he wanted to see me as much I see him. And he did say to me once if I met the love of my life he wouldn’t begrudge for choosing someone over him. Is it really love if you’d let someone go so easily.

    So I suppose what I’m saying is I feel like he is holding something back and though we’re moving forward is it healthy to stay in a relationship that still brings you anxiety every day? Or am i just picking at things because what happened?

    Would love you thoughts and wisdom.

    #79742
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi strong2015,

    The cheating is of course, a red flag, if not DEALBREAKER.

    The “If you met the love of your life he wouldn’t begrudge for choosing someone over him” is him saying, “DUMP ME NOW, because I’m too comfortable to do the dumping and haven’t met MY love of MY life!!”

    What I would do (Me, not You, ME people!) is say, “Darling, I’ve met someone”.

    See what his reaction is. If he flips out. If he is true to his word, and leaves gracefully. If he’s surprised.

    Or you can say “I need a break” and reconnect NEXT YEAR. THEN see if any spark is there. Remorse. Lingering passion.

    Personally, I believe you should only “forgive” cheating if there’s children involved.

    Best,

    Inky

    #79780
    strong2015
    Participant

    Thank you inky. It still find it crazy that I did manage to forgive him when it came to cheating. I never in my life thought I’d be that girl that would stay with a cheater and I’ve managed to come to peace with the fact that it happened. I’ve had to rebuild my self worth and it has taken a year to rebuild our relationshp to where I think we genuinely appreciate each other.

    But I am choosing to focus on now not whether to stay with a cheater or not but I want to make sure I’m with someone who is choosing to love me, choosing me everyday not because it is comfortable or because they think they should or they are too lazy to find someone else because they believe their life is better with me in it and want to build a future together.

    That is is what I think I’m worth.

    Your advice on pushing the subject is what I need to do. Assumptions make fools out of all of us. I suppose what I’m struggling with is making sure what I know what answers I’m willing to accept for good or bad, just making sure there is no inbetween.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 5 months ago by strong2015.
    #79814
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear strong2015:

    You wrote that he said: “I’m easy, have dinner with your friends if you want.” and something like: if you met the love of your life I wouldn’t begrudge you for choosing someone else over me.

    What do these statements mean? Need to take them in context of other statements and behaviors. What came to my mind reading these two statements is that he may feel guilty, that he feels he is not good enough for you and he feels badly for keeping you from meeting someone who is better than him. Thses are things I can imagine myself saying in the past for the reasons I stated.

    The awkwardness on his part when intimate may fit with him feeling guilty, inadequate, maybe even defected.

    These are all possibilities to consider perhaps? My suggestion is to … never underestimate how many, many people out there feel not-good-enough. I missed this fact because I felt not good enough and from that point of view thought everyone else had it all together. Not so.

    I hope you can practice good communication skills with him and that he does too so you can communicate honestly, openly, like best friends first, before anything else. If he can feel safe with you wanting the best for him and where you can feel the same with him.

    anita

    #79821
    strong2015
    Participant

    You’re very insightful Anita. After the affair he felt a tremendous amount of shame and guilt which drove him to see a counselor. Since then I felt he and overcome some of that sense of shame but he often will make comments how I’m good two-shoes, that I have integrity and maturity beyond my years. He has said that he is trying to be a better man and I do see that some of his behaviour has changed, he often will leave drinks or things early if he feels like it goes down the wrong path. But it still feels like at times he wants to paint me as good and himself as bad and unworthy. I don’t at all see it that way, we are all many shades of grey.

    I know I’m not the only person he has these feelings with. He idolised his father who is very out-going mans, man and he isn’t that, so has always felt like he has disappointed his father. I see a dad that is very proud of him and only wants him to be happy.

    So I have so much empathy for him Anita and have felt guilty myself that I’m doing something that makes him feel guilty and inadequate.

    Can I ask Anita, how did you come to feel good enough? Were you supported by your partner in anyway?

    #79824
    strong2015
    Participant

    When we did talking about the physical side of our relationship once before I asked him if it was because he wanted other people etc his response was no, it had to do how he felt about himself and he didn’t like himself very much.

    #79846
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear strong2015:

    Yes, you can ask me anything that may be of help to you. In my relationship with my partner, my husband of five years (and I am 54), I started feeling extremely inadequate. It is in these very days that I am (still) healing from having been shame-based as far back as I remember. I thought at the time that my husband (and almost everybody else) had it “all together.” I wondered why he wanted me at all, being as “normal,” “happy-go-lucky” person that he appeared to be.

    There are a lot of details and a lot more but to summarize here, to state what I think may apply to what you can do in your relationship with your guy, I would say what helped me and my husband is when I learned Interpersonal Skills- and the word SKILLS is important. My healing and his own healing (!) started with learning these skills. EAR is one, standing for Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect. There is way more. It is via these skills that honest healing communication can take place. It has been a long PROCESS requiring … excrusciating at times patience and perserverance. How do I feel good enough? How can I summarize years of ongoing daily work? See, I am having trouble answering this without writing a book here…

    I don’t think I can answer it- can you ask another question or questions more specific, as can more specifically relate to your specific situation? I would be glad to share my experience with you, but I need more specifity. Are you asking, I wonder, how can YOU, Strong2015, make him, your partner, feel good enough? Let him talk, listen to him with that “I feel your pain” look and voice but not “I pity you”- and don’t give him advice or even your insight- hardly, maybe a bit here and there but mostly let him talk and say something in response showing that his feelings are VALID, understandable, and that you are on his side, that you are not superior to him (his belief, it seems), so you show him your own humility.

    More…?

    anita

    #79849
    Anonymous
    Guest

    One more thing. You wrote: “He idolised his father who is very out-going mans, man and he isn’t that, so has always felt like he has disappointed his father. I see a dad that is very proud of him and only wants him to be happy.”

    You see his dad as being proud of his son (your bf) and “only wants him to be happy.”

    If and when you do listen to your partner talk about his dad again, his relationship with his father, I hope you are not locked into your impression that his dad is -and always has been- proud of his son and/ or is or always just wanted him to be happy. Perceptions, impressions can be, oh, so very wrong, oh so very wrong. If you are locked into this you may filter out/ not pay attention to valid points your partner may be making. Your partner’s shame in relations to his dad – I assure you- and I will sign a paper to that effect, your partner’s shame has to do with a seriously flawed relationship with his father. Your partner’s feelings are valid and carry messages about the truth of his childhood, a truth that needs to be heard and validated.
    anita

    #79860
    strong2015
    Participant

    Thanks for your words Anita. It’s funny a while back my partner made the comment that I don’t really listen and the truth was I wasn’t. An example of this is when he needed time for himself I took it as him not wanting to be with me. Since then I have really tried to listen, not interrupt, give my opinion (only when he asks) and just make sure he feels heard. I do this normally by repeating in some form what he has said e.g. I understand you feel very concerned about your job being under threat and I can see see why that would be worrying.

    The advice on the dad situation is much appreciated. I had never thought that by saying you can tell your dad is proud of you I am actually devaluing how he feels.

    I suppose my questions are and I know you have answered some in the above so please excuse me if I repeat myself:

    – From what you said I assuming you were able to build your self worth while you were in your relationship? I always struggle with how you hear you are both suppose to come to the relationship as two complete people.
    – My partners comment ‘if you met the love of your life I wouldn’t begrudge you for choosing someone else over me’ still bugs me, I don’t want to make assumptions on what he meant. The context around the statement was that we were out to dinner for my birthday and i mentioned I received a card from an old workmate. I said I was surprised as I hadn’t seen him in years. My partners response was something along the lines of he probably had a crush on me and then he went on to say ‘if you met the love of your life I wouldn’t begrudge you for choosing someone else over me’. I didn’t question it then as I didn’t want to wreck our night but I would like to know what he meant. Do you have any suggestions on how to bring it up in a non-threatening way? \
    – I suppose my last question is I do want to understand how he feels about us. I asked him the question about does he want us to be friend or lovers and he said he needed time to think and I do want an answer to that but more than anything I want to understand how he feels. Maybe he has told me in the past ‘when he said he doesn’t feel good enough’ but I would love to gain deeper understanding of how he is feeling but not sure how to even start the conversation. Do you have any suggestions on how to make him open up?

    Thanks again for your time

    #79861
    strong2015
    Participant

    Thanks for your time and wise words:)

    #79883
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear strong2015:

    I want to read your post, your questions and answer them with a fresh morning brain tomorrow! Till then-
    good night and be well:
    anita

    #79893
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear strong2015:

    I am impressed by how hard and how well you try to listen to him and to help him. To your questions:

    – “From what you said I assuming you were able to build your self worth while you were in your relationship? I always struggle with how you hear you are both suppose to come to the relationship as two complete people.”

    When a person is very hurt by the first relationship in life, the one with a parent, how can there be healing ALONE? The hurt, the damage, was done in the context of that critical first RELATIONSHIP. Healing is possible only in the context of another relationship, be it one with a good-enough psychotherapist or with a good enough friend and/ or a good enough partner.

    – “My partners comment ‘if you met the love of your life I wouldn’t begrudge you for choosing someone else over me’ still bugs me, I don’t want to make assumptions on what he meant. The context around the statement was that we were out to dinner for my birthday and i mentioned I received a card from an old workmate. I said I was surprised as I hadn’t seen him in years. My partners response was something along the lines of he probably had a crush on me and then he went on to say ‘if you met the love of your life I wouldn’t begrudge you for choosing someone else over me’. I didn’t question it then as I didn’t want to wreck our night but I would like to know what he meant. Do you have any suggestions on how to bring it up in a non-threatening way?”

    Yes, my suggestion is that you choose a time when he is calm and if you manage to be calm-enough yourself at the same time, say in a calm, even voice: remember on my birthday, you said: “…..” I didn’t know then what you meant by it and have been wondering what it was you meant. so at one point I was thinking: why keep wondering, just ask (name), so what is it, sweetie (whatever nice name you call him) that your statement meant/ what did you mean by it?

    P.S. It would be a good practice for both of you to …simply ask: what do you mean by this or that? simply so to peel off inaccurate projections from what is the real. Talking about simplifying life!

    – “I suppose my last question is I do want to understand how he feels about us. I asked him the question about does he want us to be friend or lovers and he said he needed time to think and I do want an answer to that but more than anything I want to understand how he feels. Maybe he has told me in the past ‘when he said he doesn’t feel good enough’ but I would love to gain deeper understanding of how he is feeling but not sure how to even start the conversation. Do you have any suggestions on how to make him open up?”

    Assume, if you can, the attitude of CURIOSITY, almost objective curiosity (almost…) and ASK him questions without the intent of getting a desirable answer- an intent that would likely to influence him greatly to not answer honestly, to not even explore the honest answer within him- ask him just so to get to know him/ to get to know the truth of what is there. Start with the situation at hand, for example what he told you on your birthday, and ask him what he means by it. If he resists answering, tell him what you THINK he may have meant, a possibility of what it may be, and let him confirm or reject your interpretation, state his real meaning. Start with things that are happening, concrete things he says and does. One topic can lead to a lot more.

    When he gets overwhelmed (or you get overwhelmed) cut those conversations short, to continue at a later time. We can’t think clearly with emotions jumping up and down creating that brain fog. You don’t get reality from a person who is overly emotional – or numb following feeling too much. So in moderation, choose timing. Slowly.

    Take care of yourself and my best wishes to you and to your relationship. Will follow your threads/ posts and would like very much to respond further if you continue to find my responses helpful to you.
    anita

    #79930
    strong2015
    Participant

    Thanks Anita, I really appreciated it, we’re spending some time this weekend doing a cooking course so we should have some time in the afternoon away from the stress of work to talk. I’ll let you know how it goes.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 5 months ago by strong2015.
    #80514
    strong2015
    Participant

    An update on my situation. I really took the advice I’d been given and did alot of soul searching and realised that alot of my frustration came down to myself, not setting clear boundaries of what I wanted in a relationship. It’s funny it feels like it has taken two years for me to get myself strong enough to know what I want and ask for it and be prepared to walk away if it isn’t possible.

    So I asked. I said we feel more like we’re dating than partners in life and that’s what I want. He was taken back and needed time. Strangely it didn’t worry me as much as it would of in the past. And this weekend we talked, talked about alot of things. How for him he feels he is committed. He gives all his free time to me and I’m always on his mind, whether he communicates it or not. He values my opinion more than anyone elses and the week he had to think, left a big void in his life. How his comment about me meeting the love of my life is above everything else is that he wants me to be happy and his biggest fear is that he’s going to disappoint me. That when it comes to having children he does want them but fears what type of father he’ll be. Having a secure future (job wise) is a big thing for him and he wants me to be a part of the decision he makes. He thought it was obvious but for me it hadn’t felt like he’d express it that way. He talked about how he didn’t feel like he had good role models for relationships and the thought of being responsible for someone else scared him. But he’s open for us to move in together.

    The rest of the weekend we had a really lovely time together, going for walks, a movie, dinner with his family and making love.

    I have mixed feelings about the above. Firstly I can’t say how much better it feels to be let into his world. And I genuinely feel like we’re listening to each other making changes because of what the other person has expressed they’re needed, talking about moving in together, making love. But while I feel good about all these things I don’t feel like everything is ok now. I wonder why I expect everything to suddenly be perfect.

    I’ve told myself I can’t control his fears and if choose to stay I have to accept them. That the strength of our relationship now seems to be a strong friendship and a desire and a respect for making each other happy but I don’t feel a sense of real passion as I once did, we had a lot of physical chemistry and I don’t feel frightened if we weren’t to be together. So it feels both positive and negative, positive because I’m in a stronger place so probably more ready to be in a relationship but concerned that we may not have everything we need to have the relationship I desire.

    Anita, you seemed to understand where he was coming from. Do you think my fears a fair?

    #80592
    strong2015
    Participant

    I didn’t hear from him yesterday after trying to call him, so no contact beyond seeing each other in the morning. It’s just a small action but I wonder if he says he wants us but can’t actually put that into action. Not sure what I can do but keep living my life. But I wonder why though? He seemed so content with us on the weekend, so open but the walls have gone back. My friends say I have to look at his actions not his words. It’s hard.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 5 months ago by strong2015.
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