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Coming to terms with self and breaking heart

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  • January 19, 2016 at 8:14 pm #93088
    danie
    Participant

    I’m 51 female, raised a child now adult as a single mom and have never been able to find love.

    Now through a difficult break up another failed relationship after only 3 months of us dating (known each other long time ago), as all my previous relationships I come to realise i am the root cause of my own demise. …and it hurts.

    Having been through hell back in my life through a series of indifferent step dads and with cold demanding parents I have come to realise that I apply extreme undue pressure on potential mates and suitors and that i exhaust them emotionally.

    Lately I’ve done this to this dear kind loving man who himself is going through a lot of life challenges.

    He has completely withdrawn, I feel like hell and I have come to realise that my mistake was my own needs being so large that it obscures all and any of my love’s own…I’m demanding impatient critical. ..and seeing this hurts!

    I’m sleepless, I’m heart broken and while i welcome the growth i also am sad at the loss yetagain of a nice man who could have become a great love had I been more mature.

    I’m just sad my loneliness is a heavy heavy burden, I’m anxious and exhausted

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by danie.
    January 19, 2016 at 8:45 pm #93094
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear danie:

    Your pain is obvious in your short post. There is a lot of sadness and pain in this kind of growth. Love is still possible, not too late. Later. For now, i do hope you find some rest. Be kind to yourself… this is key, at THIS time, to be kind to you! Do not “apply extreme undue pressure” on yourself… first.

    Post again, please.

    anita

    January 20, 2016 at 4:26 am #93102
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi danie,

    If you are demanding and expectant of other people that is not loving behavior. Think of your right and left hands. The right hand symbolically gives and the left hand symbolically receives. When interacting with men (and others!) have your right “hand” be out and put the left behind your back. I’m not telling you to be a doormat. Not at all! But when the other person wants to give to you, then extend your left hand.

    There’s a difference between having your left hand already out (“gimme gimme”) and putting it out when the time is right (“thank you”).

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    January 20, 2016 at 8:31 am #93114
    danie
    Participant

    Thank you, I’ll try to post more when i can. I’m trying to not play victim and make all a new story about poor little me. …but to grow up. I’ll try to be compassionate with self rather than angry. It’s not easy, it’s the part.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by danie.
    January 20, 2016 at 8:58 am #93117
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear danie:

    You did not play victim in your original post. As a matter of fact, you made sure you did not come across as anything close to a victim. The thing is that part of you is a victim, that child that you were- she was a victim. And she still needs to tell her story, to be seen and validated, by you. Please do post again…

    anita

    January 20, 2016 at 7:02 pm #93159
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear danie:

    How are you???
    anita

    January 26, 2016 at 1:12 pm #93834
    growingpain
    Participant

    Hi again, this is Danie new logon.

    I am struggling really. I am feeling the years of paint layers coming off me as I start to visualize the armor of self defences I had built around me, what a monster I created trying to defend myself from perceived attacks (wether existant or not).

    I was a tender balloon in a world of cacti and I did build an armor full of my own needles to fight back, only to find myself now being the cactus and others (lovers, family, strangers) being the balloons….

    I was (and still knee jerk towards, despite my efforts…) agressive, critical, jugemental, quick to judgement, inflexible, arrogant, insitant, stubborn and bacsically hounding people to exhaustion and those were the lucky ones !

    I am bereft that this is who I became, because it was not supposed to happen. I have a big heart, huge. I have given SO MUCH to try to counter balance for what I felt was so wrong without being able to know what it was…I was totally blind, I was struggling to keep my head above the water grabbing on to anything to prevent me drowning.

    I managed to alienate every single person (suitors) who would ever help me by driving them away while crying that they were leaving. Leaving because I was building prisons around them, manipulating them in order to TRY and guarantee myself that they would feel compelled to stay (overly generous, trying to isolate them from others, trying to make myself indispensable etc)…

    The new me saw clearly and needs to make her sea legs….this is not easy

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by growingpain.
    January 26, 2016 at 1:33 pm #93837
    Violet
    Participant

    Danie,

    I know what it’s like to have that armour. Ironic isn’t it, how something that’s supposed to protect you can cause pain. I find taking a walk in nature, near trees or water helps. Step by step.

    January 26, 2016 at 1:55 pm #93841
    growingpain
    Participant

    Thank you Violet

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