Dear dreaming715:

Anita is right. If you see the same pattern happening again and again in your life there’s a reason for it. As she astutely points out, since none of the posters on this board are able to observe your interactions with these men, we’d just be making wild guesses as to what could be going on, so to speculate on my part would be both unfair and unproductive.

I think in addition to the mindfulness that Anita prescribes, I recommend just shaking everything up! Going a million dates? Force yourself to only go out with one or two guys a month, if even that. Doing online dating? Change sites, or stop altogether…only date men you’ve met offline for awhile. Been playing that Miranda Lambert on repeat? Start listening to pop music in a foreign language (it’s upbeat, and if you don’t understand the lyrics they can’t drag you down). Are you a blonde? Dye your hair red. (OK, you don’t have to do that last one, but in all seriousness I love makeovers when I’m in a rut. It’s superficial, yes, but it’s still a change.) I firmly believe that any changes, even small ones, send a message to the universe, “hey, I mean business! I’m ready for something new!”

I know this probably won’t be a great panacea, but it’s a start. Remember the saying, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different result is the definition of insanity!

Good luck. I’m sure I speak for everybody when I say we’re all rooting for you!

Hi dreaming715 –

I’ve been remiss in following this conversation, but catching up now I find it fascinating how much your experiences have been very similar to mine. Most of my “relationships,” if you can even call them that, dissipate after a month or two as well. I discovered a book that totally opened my eyes to what I was doing wrong – well, not necessarily “wrong”, but how I’ve been wired differently which in turn affects dating. The book is Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love (by Heller/Levine). If you’re not familiar with attachment theory, which I wasn’t before reading this book, it’s well worth a read. This book gave me hope that I won’t end up alone forever, and it gave me tangible ideas and concepts to get myself to a better place of security when dating.

PS I also struggle with having friends who are unable to fit me into their busy/married lives, and I often find myself going to events alone. I’ve tried joining meetup groups in an attempt to make more single friends I can hang out and do fun stuff with (so I’d feel less desperate about not having a partner), but I really wish there were more singles support groups out there! While alone time is great and important, being a part of a community in times like these is really key, too.

Much love,
T