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Cold Feet or Bad Decision

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  • #108529
    Lost
    Participant

    I am getting married in less than a month. I have always thought that when I get married it will be for life. We have been together for about 4 years now, friends first (drinking buddies) then started a casual relationship which turned into us living together. Since being together I have become sober for 2 years. He has two children that I am very close with, as I have been in their lives since a very young age. He gets along with his ex-wife but seems to have no respect for her at all. His mother is also very involved with helping take care of the kids and it seems that he needs to be reminded to appreiciate all that she does. I have taken on the role of mother in our home and do all of the cooking, cleaning and child care. He is home a lot and is usally taking care of the outside chores. When he is in the house he is constantly complaining that things are not clean enough and that I do not work hard enough around the house. I feel that I do my very best, with little downtime for myself. It is a daily battle that we have. I stand up for myself and he complains. It takes a rare occasion for him to give me any sort of compliment and when he does its usually somewhat deragatory. I work part time to be home more to get things done and he makes over 3x more than I do. He spends his money on all sorts of things “investments that will make him money” as he refers to. When I do go out and spend money on myself, which is rare lately, I am accused of buying unecessary things when I am “broke”. Maybe I just need to vent or maybe I dont want to admit that there is something wrong, or maybe this is typical. Please help.

    #108536
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear tmeinke301:

    Oh, oh, doesn’t sound good. Your cold feet are understandably cold: your relationship is problematic already. Is there any chance that you will reconsider this marriage to be as a marriage not to be?

    I mean, it is clearly not a good idea to get married with him. You have a great opportunity now to prevent a whole lot of future suffering. Use that opportunity.

    Back to my question: are you able to reconsider the marriage idea and end your relationship with him?

    anita

    #108579
    pink24
    Participant

    Hey tmeinke301

    From what you’re saying, and if you’re asking, I think this is a bad decision. Marriage only makes things more difficult, and if you don’t have that foundation and mutual respect for one another, getting married won’t fix that. You’ll only create a trap for yourself you’ll have to get out of later. Break it off now.

    BTW, I used to be in your situation in terms of finances–my bf made a lot more than I did. BUT, he never questioned my purchases, or attempted to devalue me because I didn’t make more money. Money does not determine the value of a person. And if your fiance doesn’t get that concept now, he never will. You’re not his maid either, ps. A marriage is a partnership, not feudalism. You’re not a peasant working for scraps. Puh-lease.

    Also, maybe it’s time to value yourself. The next time he complains about the house and mentions how broke you are, tell him to get some manners. (I get so mad about this kind of stuff!) Keeping a home is ‘work’, AND you don’t get paid for it, which makes it worse. AND on top of that, you have to hear his complaining? Um, NO. Hey, why don’t you present a bill to him for all the work you do, PLUS the amount of time you spend conversing with him about his ‘dissatisfaction’. You’d wind up making more money than him. Seriously…

    Good luck! Let us know what happens!
    Pink:)

    #108580
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear tmeinke301:

    I understand that you are attached to the young children, maybe like a mother would be. You want the best for them, not wanting them hurt by you leaving their father. I’ll come back to this in a moment.

    Your boyfriend is angry at his mother and for understandable reasons, I have no doubt. He doesn’t show her appreciation for her help with his kids because he is angry at her and has been angry for a long, long time.

    He doesn’t respect his ex because he is angry at her too. And he doesn’t respect you… because he is angry at you too.

    This anger is not going away by itself. It would take him being willing to attend psychotherapy and then attending it for a long time, doing hard work there before his anger dissipates. Until then, he will keep being angry and expressing his anger at you, bullying you like he is doing now.

    No matter what a good wife you will be, no matter how hard you will try to please this bully, he will keep bullying you. He will keep bullying you because he is angry, from a long time ago, way before you met him.

    He… can hardly help himself. Even when he sees that you deserve a compliment and he is trying to deliver it… he can’t do it without dressing the compliment with something derogatory (” It takes a rare occasion for him to give me any sort of compliment and when he does its usually somewhat derogatory).

    You are getting married to a bully whose anger has nothing to do with you but you will continue to suffer from it. Back to the children: they already suffer from his anger and will continue to suffer from his anger whether you marry him or not. When they observe you submitting to him, trying to please the bully, they will learn to submit themselves to the bullies in their lives, or to bully others themselves.

    You don’t want to teach them that, so don’t marry their father, please, for their sake, if not for your own.

    Please do post again. I would like to communicate with you further as there is a lot of unnecessary suffering for you, for his children and for possible children you may have with him, suffering that can be prevented now. I would like to help you prevent all that.

    anita

    #108592
    Karmasoda
    Participant

    Even from a male perspective (I’m a dude)- this sounds like you are unhappy now and will continue to be unhappy. And to be quite honest, it most likely will worsen over time. Your sobriety- I don’t know if this is something you ‘had’ to do or honestly chose for yourself, but regardless, it’s important for you to stay clean. An unhappy marriage will be soooo difficult to deal with and you most likely don’t want or need that.

    Sounds like you have a decision to make and this is a decision that will need to be made now or later on. Your instinct is talking to you right now. Think about what happens if you get married. Does the act of getting married help your situation or the way you are feeling right now at all? And ask yourself honestly- will you be coming back to TinyBuddha or other internet forums with the same complaints, discomfort, unhappiness, etc? Does online venting help the situation? Is that good enough to help you endure each day?

    It seems you are coming here anonymously to share your grief and internal struggle. A question to ask yourself honestly would be: How do I relieve myself of this grief? Again, you have a decision to make now or later on in your life. Same decision, with extraneous items developing along the way which can make making this decision even more complex as time goes by.

    #108602
    Lost
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for your insight. Maybe I am just venting because I dont see myself ending this relationship. I feel like there is good and bad to everything. This is the first relationship I have ever been in and I am already over 30 years old. Could it be that it is just not easy to be in a relationship sometimes. I dont agree with the anger issues. THis is not something that I have ever thought. For the most part he is very happy just very sarcastic, which I am as well.

    #108611
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear tmeinke301:

    It is your choice to not cancel the wedding. It is your choice to marry this man. Making any choice you do make, it will benefit you a whole lot to see reality for what it is.

    If you don’t see your boyfriend as an angry man, then what do you think motivates him to be “constantly complaining that things are not clean enough and that I do not work hard enough around the house.”?

    If he is not angry, why does he only rarely compliment you and then he adds degradation to the compliment (” It takes a rare occasion for him to give me any sort of compliment and when he does its usually somewhat derogatory”)

    If he is not angry, why do you need to stand up for yourself? (“I stand up for myself and he complains” )- stand up for yourself against what or whom?

    And if he is not an angry man, why does he accuse you when you buy something inexpensive for yourself (“I am accused of buying unecessary things when I am β€œbroke”)?

    I am asking these questions in hope that you will answer. I am asking these questions with the well being of all of you in mind.

    anita

    #108618
    Nan
    Participant

    So, let’s see. YOu cook, clean and do child care. HE has all the control it seems, and it is “never enough’. You are selling yourself pretty cheap in the relationship, as he is getting quite a bargain. Do you see the hole that you are digging? Controls your activities, (cook for me, clean for me, babysit for me) and you cant even spend your own coin without derogatory comments? Warning signs! He is controlling and is sure to put you down, to put you in your place. He encases his comments in “hah hah” sarcasm, so he can look like the good guy, and you are the complainer…..been there. Married for decades, it doesn’t get better. Are you settling for anything, just because of your age? Friend of mine didn’t marry til 41 – had 2 babies at 44 and 46.DOnt need to settle if you aren’t treated like a queen.

    #108628
    pink24
    Participant

    Hey again tmeinke301,

    You know better than anyone what’s right for you. Just don’t ever feel like you have to be in a relationship because you are ‘behind’ in some way. You’re not. People get divorced all the time, no matter how many relationships they’ve had. And so what if it’s your first relationship and you’re over 30? Actually that’s more of a reason to postpone. Do you know the kind of woman you want to be in a relationship? Are you that woman? And don’t you want to see what’s out there? I know that’s easier said than done. But just please know every relationship is different and you should never settle for less than what you deserve.

    Just make sure you’re going to go through with the marriage for the right reasons. Being over 30 shouldn’t be one of them–there is life after 30! And it’s amazing. And most of all, think about what matters to you–really matters to you. And see if this guy fits the bill. If he doesn’t, have faith that there IS someone out there who will.

    Take care πŸ™‚
    Pink

    #108658
    Maria_L
    Participant

    Hello,

    I am sorry for you mental struggle in such delicate moment (one month before the wedding). Of course, none of us can know the ‘whole picture’ cause I am aware you only brought up the negative stuff here, and that why is hard for any of us to be supportive of something that doesn’t sound good at first place.

    Marriage is more than a union of love, it is a social union too, one in which you get the home, family, sense of belonging. Women especially need to ‘belong’ in such a union because 1. we need to feel safe, protected by someone stronger than us; 2. We need to ‘nurture’ someone and be needed and loved. We love the safety of the family home.. it comes from ancient times. While men went hunting, women stayed home to bring up the children and take care of the domestic issues (some of that environment and mind set is still bit left in our genes,a s much as we try to be feminists πŸ™‚ )

    It looks to me that finally, you got your instant full package- you are in relationship, you are needed in the home and for the children, the social pressure is off- you are over 30 and you seem settled… So the ‘hyenas’ in the neighborhood can stop talking πŸ™‚ Yes, the guy can be sarcastic, not supportive sometimes, and unpleasant in occasions.. but who has it all anyway? you have to settle somewhere, we all do settle as much as we deny it..

    I am not advising you what to to, just I want you to ask yourself few questions starting what if… πŸ™‚

    What if you were 25, the house and the children didn’t exist, you had a stable job and your own money, and he is still the person he is now.. and he proposed? Would you settle for the nagging if it didn’t come with the package of the whole social union, and you were on the other side of 30? πŸ™‚

    If you decide that you love him for who he is, with all his flaws, and you can live with them if they came without the house, kids, financial stability, than it’s fine I guess… But if not, than give yourself another run of thinking at least. Marriage won’t last much just simply as a social union, without the true and unconditional love, respect and support. Finances change, children grow up, public opinion stops to matter. What is left in the core of that union is you and him, and the bond you share. That is your only guarantee that you will marry only once and for the right person.

    We can’t argue that it’s not pleasant for everyone being over 30 and single (though i know a lot of people i adore that love every minute of their single life), but even a possibility for divorce is much more painful than the ‘single’ experience. So at least ‘buy’ yourself some time… postpone over ‘technicality’ if you are not 100% sure (I know you think- what does she know, money and people are invested in this πŸ™‚ )

    However, whatever you decide, I wish you all the best. Always love and nurture yourself too, the way you do for others. Sorry for the long post, I can’t keep things short I guess πŸ™‚

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