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Chronically Unhappy

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  • This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Anonymous.
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  • September 3, 2017 at 6:05 am #166742
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Stacey,

    Regarding the boyfriend, I think you finally felt comfortable with someone for the first time in your life. You know the saying, “Familiarity breeds contempt”? Well, you unconsciously kept lashing out at him. Not in one big way, but in a death by a thousand slashes way.

    We cannot do that anymore. Listen. I’ve been married over twenty years and I STILL treat my DH with the utmost respect. (Except for some “Stop snoring! Jeez!!” night time frustrations LOL!)

    In your next relationship keep your respect level at around Date 5: Familiar enough to have fun with him but still a little on your best behavior.

    And what’s with us women and our laundry list of “Becoming our Best Selves”? Shelve The List, finish school, and strive to be happy.

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 8 years ago by Inky.
    September 3, 2017 at 8:33 am #166736
    Ed
    Participant

    Stacey, take the positives out of being able to identify all your faults. What you have written is Avery detailed description of your inner workings and most wouldn’t be able to do that or  be able to identify them. You are already moving in the right direction. Well done, be proud.

    You don’t have to keep remembering this past relationship as a negative experience, flip it on its head! Remember it as a learning experience and guide for yourself, so the next time that special person comes around you will know that you must control your short comings and not let these impose on your great relationship.

    It seems that this past experience is conintiously playing on your mind. Let’s put an end to that. Something I find useful is writing an apology to someone, you don’t have to send it or every day it to them but let’s get it out of your head and onto paper. If you ever feel the time is right you can let them know but for now let’s write it down, remove it from your thoughts, make peace with the situation and move on.

    if you feel chronically unhappy then that is your next step, every day try write down one thing you are extremely grateful for, it can be anything, your family, friends, education etc but wrote one thing down every day and hold it close to you for the day. Then every week compile all those things together and keep add to that already great list of 7 things into week 2. Use this list and re read whenever you need to lift yourself, don’t let that dark cloud fall over you when you have that list as armour.

    Goals are important but not as important as being happy. The above is your first goal… writing what you are grateful for and doing it consistently. Let’s work on making you happy and secure as your number one goal. Then we can focus on the less important goals.

    Remeber, you have already identified what makes you sad and unhappy. Let’s work to fix this step by step, day by day together…

     

     

    September 3, 2017 at 8:43 am #166762
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Stacey:

    You wrote: “I want to be someone who is positive and brings positivity to those around me. Life is too short to constantly be blaming others and even to be blaming myself for things that happen or don’t happen. I just want to focus on the future and achieve my goals and appreciate those who come along for the ride with me.”- this is an excellent intent. A good beginning.

    For a negative person to become positive, the short way is to pretend to be positive, but that can’t be sustained long term.

    For a negative person to become positive long term, the hurt inside, the hurt and fear that keeps popping up needs to be confronted, understood, accepted with self-empathy, relaxed into and so, resolved.

    You wrote: “despite my best efforts, I am always and constantly looking for more.. My ex made me very happy towards the beginning, and I almost couldn’t believe how perfect I felt…(and later) If he was late to something…Didn’t get me a gift that I liked…If he wanted to do anything I felt was ‘a waste of time’ …I would get very angry”-

    This is what happened (quote above), according to my understanding: the pre-existing hurt and fear in you kept coming to the surface, demanding resolution. A child looks up to a parent for resolution of distress and is, indeed, dependent on the parent for such resolution. In a similar way, you looked up to your ex boyfriend for such a resolution. Such resolution did not take place, so you … helped him along by pointing to him what he was doing wrong, so he can fix it and resolve the distress for you. You showed him you were angry, so that he will take notice and resolve the distress for you. Much like a child throwing fits.

    Not having confronted your distress, not adequately anyway, you figured: I am distressed because he was late, because he didn’t get me the right gift, because he is selfish… because he is not going to college, because he is not paying for all the dating expenses. All along, the reasons for your distress predated him being in your life.

    If you agree, would you like to share about the reasons for your distress (hurt and fear, primary; anger, secondary) which predated your ex entering your life in 2014?

    anita

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