Dear Owl:

Your thinking reads accurate to me, insightful, sensible, realistic and true. I agree with you that it is not an issue of culture, on the part of his parents, but an issue of selfishness. I would add, it is an issue of power. Maybe much of culture is about power, parents maintaining power over their adult children.

It really is not a choice between his family and you, but between him submitting to their power, unfair to him, and exerting power over his own life.

The power parents have over their young children extends into all cultures. It is something common to the human species as well as to many other animal species. Many parents take it upon themselves to extend their power into their child’s adult life.

I don’t think you can match their power over him, even if you were interested in exercising power over him. The power they have over him was established long ago, way before he became a doctor, and his ability to make a good living has nothing to do with it.

You wrote that you don’t know what to do. What I would do if I was you, at the most, would be to express to him clearly what is happening here, which you described perfectly and I repeated and elaborated on, just a bit, and let it go, let him be. Simply because there is nothing else that you can do.

I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.

anita

Dear Owl,

Given the circumstances that you described particularly his inability to take a decision independent of his parents, the break up is probably what is the best thing for your future well being.

You can communicate how you feel to him about the situation but the best option is to move forward as much as it hurts knowing that this person has not been able to stand up for you.

Take care

Dear Owl:

I suppose your only hope in regard to this man is to convince his parents to allow him to move out and live with you, now or three years from now. If his parents approve of your plan, then I assume he will go along with you.

anita

Dear Owl:

I suppose this is your answer. Now it is about not pushing away the answer because there is pain in it. Not trying again and again, keep hoping against all hope. It is now about accepting reality and enduring the pain involved in this acceptance.

I know it is difficult because only yesterday I felt pain about a certain reality in my life and it felt terrible. I reminded myself that I have to endure this pain and still it hurt just the same. This early morning I feel somewhat better. I hope you feel better soon.

anita