Change or loose the one I love

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This topic has 9 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 10 months ago by CMarie.

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December 29, 2014 at 3:29 pm #69965

CMarie
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My relationship with my SO is unlike any other that I have ever had. It’s healthy, we are happy, but the one problem is me. I don’t love myself, and I have no confidence. I never noticed these things before I started dating my SO. He says it is hard to love someone that doesn’t love them self. He really wants me to learn confidence, and learn to be happy with myself. These are things I am working on, but I have so many issues to work through.

I get jealous whenever I see him like another girl’s photo on instagram. Or he always makes it a point to let me know when he finds another woman attractive on Television. I try to suppress a lot of this and not bring it up to him, but occasionally a fight will occur, and he later tells me how much he loves me and it doesn’t matter if he finds someone else attractive because he’s coming home to me every night.

I have insecurities in this relationship. In the beginning, he did cheat on my by talking with other girls, exchanging pictures and speaking intimately with them, even though he was with me. He has since stopped, but the effects on me are still there. It’s to the point that I don’t want to go out to a bar with him, or a concert, or in any situation where there might be girls there more attractive than me because I feel that I am not good enough, and I don’t want to see him potentially look at another girl. Am I crazy? Will becoming more confident really change how I am? Is it really fair to have to be subjected to listening to how my SO likes the way another girl looks? I really don’t know, but I’d appreciate input.

December 30, 2014 at 6:28 am #69996
Inky
Participant
Hi buildingconfidence,

Usually in relationships the BF or DH will make a point of looking away or not saying anything when they see another girl. And when they’re not with you they will not flirt or lead someone on!

It is not YOU, sweetheart. You are normal. It is HIM!

He gets a kick out of how jealous you are over him and wants to playfully “keep you in your place” whenever he wants an ego boost.

Do you want to know what will happen if you gain confidence, lose weight, work out and/or dress up to look “more attractive”? This is what will happen: He is the one who will suddenly get insecure! When your “mate value” goes up you could get the choice of the bar. He will hate that, he may get mean to you and NOT want you to grow your hair long/put makeup on/etc.

Gain Confidence by Dating People who Build you Up,

Inky
- This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Inky.
December 30, 2014 at 7:26 am #70001

Mlecha
Participant

Love is supposed to get rid of these kinds of feelings. Being loved for who you really are is an amazing feeling. To feel completely comfortable in your own body when you are with someone. Unfortunately, that kind of relationships are not so common, because it requires that at least one party is able to ‘love oneself’.

December 30, 2014 at 8:57 am #70009

CMarie
Participant

Hi Inky,

My SO is not a bad guy at all, and I do not believe he would get jealous if I gained more confidence. He wants me to be happy. He wants me to be able to take my shirt off at the beach and not worry about what others think of me. He just wants me to be comfortable in my own skin and it kills him to constantly hear me cut myself down or compare myself to other girls. He is very supportive and just wants me to be confident and not let all these things constantly affect me.

I can see how it is hard to love someone like me. Who wants to hear their partner hate them self all the time? I wouldn’t, but I am lucky enough that my SO is confident. He’s not playing games and he’s not cutting me down, but maybe I was not as explanatory in my previous post. I just need to learn to love myself and that’s the main issue. I don’t know how to look at a pretty girl and not think, “Why am I not as skinny/pretty/lovable as she?” I base my self worth completely on how I look and it hinders me from enjoying my life. Will self help books and e-courses really change the way I think?

December 30, 2014 at 9:30 am #70021

Inky
Participant

If you are so sensitive to that, then your SO should know that looking at, commenting on, or flirting with other girls would bring on an emotional allergic reaction in you.

It’s almost like, you two have to go places and him not react to any girls at all, many, many times, for you to be “inoculated”.

He has to praise you in front of other beautiful women.

You have to hear from other people how much he talks about you and loves you.

Maybe you never got praised. Maybe someone chose a pretty blonde over you. But I suspect once you get genuinely celebrated for your own beauty, inside and/or out, and KNOW, truly KNOW that you are loved for YOU, even when you’re eighty, this “thing” will go away.

Then, maybe, one day, he could start a conversation with a gorgeous girl and you won’t feel jealous at all.

December 30, 2014 at 9:51 am #70028

CMarie
Participant

Hi Inky,

While I value and appreciate your opinion, I think we are at an impasse. I still believe the issue is me. There is not a day that goes by the he does not tell me I am beautiful.

December 30, 2014 at 2:41 pm #70038

Cianna Johnson
Participant

I am so sorry to hear the condition you are in dear. If there is something I must say is the phrase “you can’t love someone unless they love theirself” is bogus. I guess he meant “you can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself.” Which is a phrase I accept as true. It is not a good idea to enter a relationship if you don’t feel utter acceptance and love for yourself. You have to learn to love yourself despite your flaws. When you can do this, than you can seek out romantic relationships. I am sure you are a beautiful person and know this. If he loves you he will encourage you to seek the beauty in yourself. If he loves you he won’t expect you to change so HE can be happy. He obviously is not ready for a relationship because he’s not staying faithful and committing fully to you. If he were me, the only reason why I would want you to change is because you will suffer if you don’t, not because your current condition makes me unhappy. Love is unconditional. It is probably for the best to split with him and learn to value yourself before finding someone to share in it with you. 🙂

January 4, 2015 at 3:11 am #70161

Maggie Black
Participant

I was always insecure too. My SO has helped me in this way by his love and acceptance of me in everyway.
I am still a little insecure but I try not to let on.
My advice is, “Fake it till you make it”, because you will drive him away with neediness if you continue.
You can do this! You can heal and get better.
You are as beautiful now as you will ever be. Remember that.

January 4, 2015 at 7:40 am #70174

Sarah
Participant

Hey buildingconfidence,

I totally understand how you feel and I struggle with the same issues. I also feel jealous and not lovable from time to time. I’ve started a process called Inner Bonding (google Dr. Margaret Paul for details) which encourages you to listen to your inner child. I’ve also started writing daily gratitude lists – listing 10 qualities that I have that I am grateful for. I already feel so much happier because rather than ruminating on how much I don’t love myself, I am now becoming more focused on how and why I am worthy of love. But it takes practice and a lot of courage. Only you can do the work and transform yourself.

As for your SO, its wonderful that he is supporting you but undoubtedly he has his own issues to work through (whether he acknowledges them or not). Thats his responsibility, not yours. Notice when you are obsessing over your relationship with him (us women are very good at that!) and instead turn that energy towards learning more about yourself and healing.

Lots of love to you xxxx

January 5, 2015 at 1:20 pm #70540

CMarie
Participant

Hi Sarah,

Thank you for your bit of advice. I really think that you are right, and that I need to stop obsessing over the relationship and I will try out the inner bonding. I will also look into the daily gratitude list. I think this could be very helpful. I am always so focused on the negative and it is so exhausting.

Thank you Sarah 🙂
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