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Caught up in post break up mess, how do I find the healthy path?

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • August 30, 2016 at 2:02 am #113705
    Kath
    Participant

    I’ll try to keep this as short as possible, but I have several questions and issues, all related.
    In April I broke up with my ex BF after a six year relationship.It took a lot of courage, because I’m basically codependant. My Ex is not a bad person, but grew up with no family whatsoever apart from an alcoholic mother. So he wasn’t really able to give me any sense of safety or security, but froze and stonewalled as soon as things got difficult. He only really became aware of his own problems in the last of those six years, and by then so much hurt and neglect had piled up that I needed to get out, even though there was a lot of love bewteen us as well.

    After the break up I felt really good and much more stable.I felt good enough to stop going to my therapist (he now going there, which I’m happy about) and started visiting a self help group to keep on working on my issues.
    I swore myself to not date anyone for at least 3 months, so I could get my own life in order. Alas, I am now in some kind of long distance affair, that is very respectful and kind of stabilizing my ego…
    Aaand I got a crush on a person I barely know. He wasn’t in town for over six weeks and during that time I projected all my fantasies on him in an almost obsessive manner – knowing that most of it is probably an illusion. Now last saturday he came back and we finally met up and had a great evening just walking around for 4 hours. He is very attractove and interesting, but there are also a lot of little red flags that show me he might actually be trouble for me – he wants to move away, just got out of a relationship wiith his boss, parties a bit harder than is compatible with my lifestyle…
    I have not heard from him since Saturday, and on Sunday I met my ex BF… We didnt have contact for almost 3 months, but resumed it about 3 weeks ago, just talking, catching up and kind of working through the break up. He is going to therapy, he is working on himself, we really click and it fet like all those good times we had together…

    Now I’m back at work, not really able to concentrate, sad about the loss of my illusions about that possibly emotional unavailableguy, sad about the break up and the fact that Ieven though meeting my ex felt good he will probably still need a long time to overcome his issues, and I’m, angry at myself for latching onto guys all the time…
    I think I might be a love addict, and I don’t know what to do. Just meet that new guy a couple of times to see what he really is about? Take the risk of just having a nice fling with him in which I might get heartbroken or party too hard for my own good?
    Should I cut off the contact to my ex, (with whome I’m still sharing a car, and who is still holding on to our old flat and is doing all he can to become able to let someone come close to him)
    Close off all romantic interactions for some time to get “clean” and deal with my own stuff? And what about that we all need someone? Would I just be punishing myself?
    I don’t want to punish my ex, end even though I’m not responsible for him I also have a hard time to let go…
    I don’t want to ignore a guy tht I find super attractive just because he might not be the “one” (I don’t believe in that concept, but you know what i mean).
    I don’t want to break up the casual long distance thing just because I can’t deal with those other situations, as it is actually enriching and not causing any trouble or bad feelings for me at all…
    I don’t really know how to navigate all this, I usually prefer drastic measures to rational ones and would rather try to save myself form the danger of getting hurt or feeling sad… right now I don’t know what the healthy path is… to actually reduce romantci interactions to a minimum and try to work on why I get so easily obsessed or sad, or to just let all that overanalyzing go and just see what happens and trust that I will make the right decisions as time goes by and situations unravel? ( I don’t entirely trust that, because hormones can make you do a lot of stuff thatÄs not really good for you and it might better to cut some things off before they kick in)

    Thanks for reading!
    I would really appreciate your thoughts and advice on this!

    August 30, 2016 at 4:47 am #113708
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Kath,

    It sounds like you’re as attracted to your “shoulds” as you are to those guys! Or rather, you’re searching for the right “should” as you would be searching for the right guy! 😉

    In life there are no Shoulds. Not… REALLY… And that’s what makes life so terrifying!!

    There is no right or wrong here. Date none of the guys. Date all of the guys. Date a slew of different guys.

    This is what I would do. DON’T feel you’d have to do it!!

    If I was attached to taking a break, I would leave all three guys alone, and regroup next year. Then I would make 2017 the year where I am like a Japanese dating sim… I would date everyone at once. Not be exclusive. And do it fairly openly. From there I would narrow down my choices Bachelorette style. Every month or so give someone a “rose” and cast someone else off.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    August 30, 2016 at 7:08 am #113713
    Pearl
    Participant

    Wow, you’ve a lot going on!!

    I’ve one particular question: what do you do in the meantime, while all of this dating happens?

    See, I’m only asking, because 3 months time is not that much after a relationship of 6 years. Do you have a job? Your own place? A hobby that you absolutely love and can not live without? Close friends? If not, firstly get those things settled.

    You need time to heal. Being alone is not that bad. And since you’re obviously getting enough attention, why not keep some casual dates to keep you warm in the meantime, right?

    Wrong. You seem like the kind of person that develops feelings fast. Hence, even having a casual relationship with someone will eventually lead to expectations, feelings and possibly pain.

    My advice? Go on a journey. Not necessarily a spiritual one – just change your surroundings for a while. Listen to yourself. Learn to see men as not only possible lovers, but as human beings.

    Listen to what your heart has to say — there’s no rush in living your life.

    blessings ***

    August 30, 2016 at 8:35 am #113720
    Kath
    Participant

    Hey you two, thank you so much for your input!

    @ Inky: You’re a gem. Yes, I’m addicted to the should’s, and I’m actually quite afraid of letting go and trusting what is right for ME and learning to make healthy decisions by actually making them and not pressuring myself in some shoulda woulda coulda way.
    Thinking that it doesn’t really matter and I can make up the rules as I go feels very freeing…


    @alabamamama    : You’ve hit a spot there, but maybe in a different way then intended: I do have some very good male and female friends. And I have as many hobbies and endeavours as guys 😀 I’m a standup comedian, a showartist and have a fulltime job that I do like a lot. During the last year of the relationship all of these have suffered, because I was very often too sad, so now I’m diving into them bigtime…
    But all these hobbies and things going on are mostly stuff I do on my own, and though I love them I sometimes feel really lonely.
    I’m actually ending up in the same coulda/should/woulda thing: Should I be less ambitious? Should I cut back on shows to find myself? Even though I am very passionate about these things?
    I already recognised that I should cut back a little and spend more time with family and friends. (My sister just had a baby and is renovating a house, and I feel really bad that I am not there as often as she might need me right now, because I’m always stressed out and off on some show or other thing…)

    I have the feeling that very often I don’t fit in, and that it’s quite hard to relate to people at work for instance… So when I do get sad it feels like a spiral that get’s out of control very easily, because I do a lot on my own. Sometimes I think I “should” (here we go again) just watch TV and do what other people do all day, but I don’t really think it would make me feel less lonely… Maybe I’m thinking that an intimate relationship would help me fill that gap – which I “should” learn to fill myself or with help of friends…

    And yes, you are very right about seeing men as human beings… there is some part of me that is just scanning every guy as a potential mate, and I somehow can’t even control that. (I’m not jumping on everything that moves, I don’t even have time for all that, but it does happen in my head)…

    Ok, this ended up very messy, but I think I’m starting to fit some puzzle pieces together…

    August 30, 2016 at 8:49 am #113722
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kath:

    You wrote: “I usually prefer drastic measures to rational ones”- I suppose eliminating the three men from your life (other than the car arrangement with your ex boyfriend, for as long as it lasts) would be such “drastic measures”- like an alcoholic avoiding all alcohol, or a food-a-holic avoiding all cake, or… well, all-or-nothing.

    I want to explore the rational measures:

    If your therapist was competent and empathetic and hard working, then re-starting your therapy may be a good idea. Stopped it prematurely, I am thinking.

    Be honest with the three men you are in contact with: very important. You are confused, at a crossroad, let them all know that you are. Don’t say anything you don’t mean to either one.

    The long distance guy- no danger, you stated. It is safe. Continue then.

    Your ex boyfriend- if you can handle it, be friends, no physical intimacy- that will be bad not only for you but for him. He is attending therapy: very good. Do not interfere with it. Let him continue. Encourage him, if you can, listen to him, share, as friends. You don’t know what the future will be, but being friends now is best for now and for the future. If you can handle it.

    The other guy- this is where the drastic measure does apply, as I see it: if I was you, I would have one rule with him: no physical intimacy. It may be exciting for a very short time, but lots of trouble for you, following that temporary excitement. I suppose you do want the excitement, that relief from boredom, from distress, from over thinking- but there are other ways for you to get the relief and excitement that you do need.

    So with the exciting kind of guy, the attractive one- if you can handle it, meet him in public only. Not in any place where your (and his) hormones take the lead. Conversations will do: learn how far his real person is from your delusions of past. It can be a good exercise in this regard.

    Your ex boyfriend is not the only one who grew up with inadequate safety and love: you too. You have this major thing in common. Find that safety in therapy and/or in your support group, and in honest communication with the long distance guy and in friendship-only with your ex and if you can handle it, in no-physical-intimacy get together arrangement with the third guy.

    Your thoughts…?

    anita

    August 31, 2016 at 1:06 am #113807
    Kath
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    I had to cry after reading what you wrote. You are absolutely right, and there is a lot for me to take out of your words.

    Especially the thought of not interfering with my exes therapy helped me to calm down and focus on something else than what this is right now.
    I wouldn’t call 4 years of therapy prematurely, she is a good therapist, and I could go back to her any time, but I had the feeling our work was coming to an end and I learned all from her that I could.

    Since my boyfriend died when I was seventeen I have made it a point to be very honest about what and who I am with people, so I am positive I won’t run into conflict there…

    It’s very wise to see these interactions as an exercise in getting to know people and yes, learning to relate to them in a healthy way. I guess I just panicked and overthought things.
    And you are absolutely right, I do have the lack of adequate loving in common with my ex, and I am not finished with working on these issues…

    Thank you for your detailed and practical and emphatic advise, I appreciate it a lot!! 🙂

    August 31, 2016 at 8:40 am #113829
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kath:

    You are welcome. Four years of therapy is a long time.

    Please do post anytime and I will be glad to reply.

    anita

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