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Caring for depressed people

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  • March 22, 2017 at 10:21 am #141147
    Wendy
    Participant

    Hi,

    How does one differentiate between anger and emotionally abusive behaviour arising from depression & a habitual abuser who just happens to be depressed?

    The person in question refuses to go to therapy and I don’t know where to draw the line because I come under fire very often for not meeting their unreasonable expectations & perceived lapses in care.

    Wendy

    March 22, 2017 at 11:23 am #141151
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Wendy:

    When a person is angry at another and proceeds to behave in an abusive way, is motivated by the desire to hurt. The person knows hurt from their own experience and feels relief inflicting it on another.

    Sometimes, a person is not currently more angry than the usual, and yet the person proceeds with abuse, out of habit, or because he/she thinks it is effective, helpful for him/her.

    In any case, the origin of abusive behavior is a person’s hurt turned into anger. There is no such thing, I strongly believe, as a person whose abusive behavior toward others originated in an “evil seed” – an inherent evil-ness that was there independently of having been abused in their own lives.

    A distinction is often made by lots of people suggesting there are people who had good childhoods, experienced nothing but love, and for no other reason than their inherent evil, abuse others. I don’t believe such a possibility exists in reality (other than in the case of severe and rare brain abnormality perhaps).

    anita

     

    March 22, 2017 at 3:43 pm #141187
    Craig
    Participant

    Wendy, I think where you “draw the line” (take care of your boundaries?) in most, maybe all cases, has nothing to with why someone may be violating your boundaries. Your boundaries are to protect your integrity and well-being and I’m thinking you might want to be very cautious about allowing anyone to cross them for any reason. (by the way, this has been a hard lesson for me and I’m still working on it).

    March 23, 2017 at 4:49 am #141325
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Wendy,

    I don’t care if the abuser is depressed or is abusive out of habit and just happens to be depressed. It doesn’t matter. This bears repeating: It doesn’t matter!

    He (she?) doesn’t abuse random people on the street, does he? Of course not! They know when to turn it on or off. They are choosing to show their dark side to you!

    Dear, you have to teach people how to treat you. Unless this is a dependent child or an infirm parent, whenever you are dealt with a ration of abuse, LEAVE. Return after a goodly amount of time with no contact/communication. If abused again, leave for longer. (Days, weeks, if not months or years). I’ve done this. What happens is they rather quickly learn to behave better (or throw a tantrum and end the whole relationship).

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    March 23, 2017 at 6:35 am #141333
    Wendy
    Participant

    Anita, Craig, Inky,

    Thank you so much for your time in reading and replying.

    Anita – I guess you’re right. This person feels parental neglect very deeply, and the only way to getting attention from them was to show anger/throw a tantrum/accuse them of not caring.

    Inky & Craig – I see what you are getting at. There is no excuse for abusive behaviour. This person is from my very close family and cutting them off is rather hard. I haven’t limited the interactions with them because I do feel a sense of obligation to try and fix something…anything I can do.

    Inky – it’s a woman. As I read the “he(she?)” you typed, it was like a light bulb went off in my head. If a man treated me like this, I would have easily seen it as abuse then and there and ended the relationship. Because it is a woman and it is close family, I am having trouble choosing between me and a sense of duty towards them. (No, it’s neither a parent nor child)

     

    March 23, 2017 at 6:51 am #141337
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Wendy:

    You are welcome. I don’t have the details about the behavior you are referring to by this female family member (not a parent of a child)- but if she is feeling and expressing anger toward her parents who neglected her, then her anger is understandable and natural and is okay for her to feel and express toward her parents. Because they really did neglect her and in so doing, mistreated her.

    And it is their responsibility to face their significantly lacking parenting of her if they care about her well being (now, if not before).

    If this family member is expressing anger toward you and others as an inaccurate projection of her anger toward her real offenders, then you and any other have to protect yourselves against her misdirected anger.

    * If she expresses her anger by name calling, yelling and other forms of violence, of course, she must stop those behaviors.

    anita

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