Can't Stop Worrying About Parents

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This topic has 2 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 5 months ago by Anonymous.

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July 19, 2017 at 8:13 pm #159092

Julie
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I’m 21 years old, about to move into my own apartment with my boyfriend while I finish up my senior year of school. It should be the happiest time of my life but my entire mind is consumed worrying about my parents.

My biggest worry is my moms health. She is 53 and obese. Earlier in the summer, I noticed she had red calves with bumps.I believe this is related to poor blood circulation which could in part be caused by congestive heart failure. No matter how much or little I say, she says she’s fine and won’t see a doctor. I’ve told her I’m worried, that she’s being selfish, that a doctor could help, that it could be serious, that I’m afraid of her dying and my dad not being able to handle bills and what not and she tells me to stop nagging. I know theres only so much you can do but I can’t sit back and wait for her to have a heart attack or have oozing ulcers that require amputation. Everytime I see my dad text me I fear its a text saying my moms in the hospital. I’m so frustrated I don’t know what else to say.

To go along with this is my parents financial situation. They don’t make a lot, maybe 50k total a year. They own their house with no mortgage but have a car payment, dental bills, way too many credit card bills not to mention my first 3 years of school my dad told me not to worry about school and he would cover it. Find out he covered it by taking out loans he’ll be paying for for 10 years. And he’s 61 working in a supermarket. This year I couldn’t handle the guilt of him paying so I took out a loan and am paying for the rest out of my own pocket, apartment and all that included.

So basically every single day I am stressed to the max about my moms health, my parents financial situation, my moms health effecting my parents financial situation. I’m already worried about what to do when they get sick because they have no retirement savings and I won’t be anywhere near them nor do I want to be a caretaker. My boyfriend tells me not to stress about “what ifs” but I can’t help it. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something to go wrong. I don’t know how to get my stress and anxiety under control. Worrying about them is ruining my own life but I can’t help it. How on earth do I get my mom to care about herself a fraction of how much I care? I feel like I’m going crazy and will manage to give myself a heart attack at this rate.

July 20, 2017 at 6:05 am #159122
Inky
Participant
Hi Julie,

This is my outlook coming as a parent with a rising Senior in college:

Your parents managed to take care of themselves very well even long before you were born. Only they know about their true financial situation, their comfort with it and their stress level over it. For example you couldn’t imagine living on 50K a year. However, they’re so used it that it doesn’t faze them.

They also have a mentality a lot of my peers do. Which is “So what else is the money for?” Of course they don’t want to worry you about paying for college. That is “their job” and believe it or not they are happy to do it! Once you are through school they can truly say “We were good parents”. So they’ll have debt, well, they won’t live forever, and it will be paid off whenever/however, they say to themselves.

Now, your mother SHOULD see a doctor. The bumps on her legs could be nothing, you are not a doctor and you don’t know. The REAL question to ask her is “When was the last time you’ve had a checkup/mammogram/OBGYN check?” Talk to your father and he (or you if you’re bold) can make the appointments for her.

You probably won’t have to take care of your parents for another twenty or thirty years. Please don’t worry about it now!

Blessings,

Inky
- This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
July 21, 2017 at 6:31 am #159354

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Julie:

Reads like your mother’s health is not good and your concern is realistic. It is also realistic to separate the things you, Julie, cannot change from the things you can change.

You wrote that “every single day (you are) stressed to the max” and that you are afraid that you “will manage to give (yourself) a heart attack at this rate”- this item is possible for you to change. You wrote that you can’t help it, but it is possible if you learn and practice some skills.

On the other hand, your mother’s obesity is within the category of what you cannot change. You already tried and failed. There is simply nothing you can do.

Your father taking out loans, something you found out after the fact, you can’t change that either. But you were able to take out a loan yourself, instead of him taking yet another loan, perhaps. That was something you were able to make happen.

The Serenity Prayer (and I don’t pray) states: “…Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

My you access the serenity that you need.

anita

August 19, 2019 at 8:43 pm #308647

Mohit
Participant

Hey. I’m kind of in the same boat as you.

I’m worried about my moms health too. I just wish she would listen to me when I hell her to drink more water, eat less sugar, and try to take care of herself.

I always have to leave home because of my work 7 hours away from home, so I dont get to visit too often. Shes not too old or anything but sometimes she get weird symptoms like lightheadedness, dizziness, high blood pressure, and facial flushing all at once. Its happend like 4 times already.

I feel like she knows she needs to see a doctor, but at the same time she just acts like it’s no big deal. I dont know man. I just want her to be ok.

By the way, the advice those other two responses gave you is complete bullshit. They’re basically saying “just ignore it”. Like they dont have a worry in the world.

Anyways is your mom doing better?
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