Hi Matt

Thanks for sharing and I’m glad to say I can identify with this entirely. A very similar situation happened with me – 11 years, two kids and whilst not an affair, an ex who started chatting to someone she started seeing straight away, whilst leaving me in the dark during the final weeks leading to our split.

I can only speak from my experience. It has taken me nearly two years to forgive and to let go of this past relationship. I took up yoga and did a bit of meditation, both of which have helped. I forced myself to move on with my life, and that has definitely helped. I still think of what happened and those events, but time helps an open wound to scar. But the scar will always be there. Accept that. It becomes part of us. I read a brilliant book called The Reality Slap – it helped me to understand what happened, that the only person you really know is yourself and that, over time, you can begin to appreciate what happened because you can’t help but learn from it.

Even if your ex doesn’t show it to you, I guarantee that she will be feel sorry, ashamed even. And if she doesn’t then I would suggest you are better off without her. It is so hard when you share children – I see my ex once or twice every week during handover. But in letting go and forgiving, indifference comes and that is when you will start moving on properly.

We all only have one chance at this thing called life, and we all make mistakes. I would suggest keeping yourself in the present, force yourself to things you enjoy even if you think you won’t enjoy them. Sleep well (that took me some time), exercise, eat well and talk to your friends about your feelings – don’t feel you can’t talk to them even though it was two years ago.

You will get there.

Jamie

Matt,

You don’t have to seek for an existing thread in order to tell about your own experience. Your situation and experience is just as important as everyone else’s, and is worthy of it’s very own thread.

Considering that you’ve been through something that must’ve been painful and scary, is it any wonder that your mind would go through it over and over again? Coming up with new defence strategies, just in case that hurt happens again? It’s also hard to forgive if forgiveness hasn’t truly been sought. Yet again another potential threat: forgiving and forgetting might mean that you accept the way you were treated or would feel like being used and taken for a ride. How naïve to forgive when the perpetrator is still out there, out of hook. One must be prepared for another attack…

Your mind is trying to find ways to protect you, albeit ironically in a destructive way.

What if you felt really safe and secure? What if you were free of stress and anxiety, and knew that nobody could hurt you? Would the mind still keep on going like that? Would it be easier to forgive, because what would be the point of holding onto grudges?

We try to learn from our past mistakes and learn how the people who hurt us operate, so that we could feel safe. You’re preparing for another attack. In a way it’s logical, but unfortunately, you’re just psyching yourself up and pumping up your adrenaline and getting angry even though nothing is happening. You’re playing the tapes in your head and each time it hurts and each time you react to it with anger. So in a way, you’re actually attacking yourself constantly. It’s like a rehearsal or obsession over the potential threat. So inadvertently, you’ll actually never reach the state of feeling safe through these exercises.

If you were to seek the feeling of safety in other ways, like self-nurturing and meditation, it would make going through those thoughts obsolete. Take some time to really connect with the physical world around you and be mindful about it. There are no real threats, no need to be alert all the time.

If you felt like you did the best that you could and it just didn’t work out, then why not forgive and forget, regardless of what she thinks? What matters is what you think, what you feel. She has her own journey to go through. You have yours.

Be more loving to your own tender heart. It has been through a lot and it needs to heal. Your mind also has been working overtime, so it needs soothing.

Change doesn’t happen overnight, so be understanding towards yourself. Give yourself the compassion that you need. Seek the company of those who care about you and who enjoy your company. Allow those relationships to heal you and make you realise that you’re not under any threat, and you are cared for and loved.

If the tapes start playing in your mind again, then take a moment to mentally step back and see them for what they are. Take a deep breath and relax and be more compassionate towards yourself. It is understandable to go through those things and not be able to forgive, but what you need right now is to care for yourself and nurture yourself. The forgiving and forgetting will happen in time, when you’re ready.

I suspect on some level ~ a level that she can’t even think about ~ your ex feels shitty for what she did. No woman wants to brag about adultery, about breaking up a family, having the children cry at night for their Father. It is so painful and uncomfortable she can’t even think about it and so she goes about with an easy breezy veneer. It would be different if you did something Epic to disappoint her, but it seems it just unraveled by itself. Trust me for 99% of women we would feel terrible about our part of a marriage failing on some level. Otherwise she would be a sociopath.

Also, even in the best of marriages with the best of people ~ if there’s a divorce, everyone Has Words. Words that are shocking that you will remember for decades. That is normal.

It may take years (and years and years) but you will grow older. She will grow older. You will be different people altogether. You will see each other at every graduation, wedding and baptism. And eventually you will be OK with that.

My parents ~ both had spit and bile for each other for 20 years. Now they each ask tentatively, almost plaintively, about each other to me. Under deep anger is hidden great love.

Please look to the Light.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Inky.

Hi Matt,

I understand completely what you are going through. What happened to you, and what happened in my marriage, mirror each other quite a bit.
I don’t have any great advice like other people who posted back to you. It’s been 3 years and I am still trying to move on. Right now, I don’t know how to forgive my ex. Especially after spending so much time building a family and life with her.

All I can say is, forgive yourself first. It sounds like you cared about your marriage and did the best you could to save it. I don’t think you necessarily have to outright forgive your ex to her face. I think that is something that will just be for yourself. Take care

Matt, Thank you for the feedback on our feedback. We only want to help. We help ourselves by looking at your situation through our own experience.

I just want to add that I have ALWAYS been able to find forgiveness when I looked at “my side”. It is a well known suggestion that you pray for the person you feel you need to forgive (because you are in pain from the resentment) but you can’t. It is usually suggested that you give it 1-2 weeks daily. During this time you will usually see “your part” (however small).

As soon as you can see your part, you can see “Yes when I felt threatened I ran away/yelled/justified lying ect”. This small thread of forgiveness is all that is needed to start forgiving.

In the end we are all “humans” going through a “human experience”. This person who has hurt you so much is a human just like you and me who is full of fear and plenty of mistakes.

I want to know joy, I cannot when my heart is blocked by resentments and anger (anger is always some expectation that wasn’t met… she was suppose to love me forever and not ‘change’).

On the first part I meant that many have suggested that you pray for a person you are angry at, or have a resentment, each day for 1-2 weeks. You pray for their well being.

Otherwise I think you are OPEN and WILLING. That is what I have needed to do.

I had a massive anger and resentment at my son’s mother for moving to the other side of the country and then demanding huge child support. Everyone was on my side that she was and continued to be “the bad one” (wasted the child support / neglected my son / yes I tried with the lawyers but the law was on her side / ect). Years of this tearing away (I was the one drinking the poison) at me led me to seek help.

Today, I have FULLY forgiven her. This has taken years to get to this place. Man it feels great!

SHE didn’t change, the only person I can change is myself.

Matt,

I just wanted to add one more thing on the forgiveness. I had not talked to my son’s mother in awhile because my son is now 19 and there is no longer child support ect. Well she is now dying of Cancer and her call was to see if I was going to fly out there when she passes to help my son with the burial (of course I will – I think the call was really about one parent saying goodbye to the other). We talked about other things but as we talked I realized that I am so happy I forgave her because, I have also been able to forgive myself for “may part”. Otherwise the guilt would be overwhelming for me right now. Guild like resentments is very painful. I can’t deal with guilt until I forgive myself. I can’t forgive myself without forgiving her first.

And we wonder why our heads get filled with all this suffering and we go round and round?

Anyway I just wanted to share that.

Take Care!