I’m trying to formulate a response, but a bit like life itself it’s hard knowing where to start, so I guess I’ll just dive in anyway. I’ve always been around Tiny Buddha, but your post compelled me to register.

First of all I’m sorry you feel the way you do. It will be impossible for anyone else to truly understand how you are feeling, but sometimes a different perspective can make a world of difference. You’ve made it this far, so well done for that.

I’m not far off your age, I never had a truly meaningful relationship until I was 27. I went through life knowing girls, and occasionally having close contact with them, but I was never intimate (I was probably afraid of it). I was also fearful of being let down, or something happening to the relationship. I felt like I put things off or wouldn’t engage because I was saving myself, but for what I didn’t know at the time.

(That’s the thing with being an introvert, you always want that other person to come to you. But what happens when two introverts want to engage? Which one gives in first? Sometimes it’s best to just totally go against your own nature, put yourself out your comfort zone and go for it.)

This lead to me feeling depressed, wondering if there was something wrong with me, if there was something I was doing wrong, like I didn’t fit in with this place (whatever I was thinking “this place” was).

It wasn’t until looking back much later that I realized I thought I was perfect, of course I wasn’t, no one is, but I never engaged with people because I thought no one else was good enough for ‘my level’, never gave them a chance, I didn’t want to waste time doing the “wrong thing”, ironically I wasted time by waiting so long to do things and learned nothing from it. You reap what you sow. I wrote off potential relationships with people because I thought it ‘might’ end, I never took a chance.

One day I decided enough was enough, I took a chance, and now 3 years later I’m in the relationship I always wanted. Do I regret how things have turned out so far? No not at all, but what I do regret is all the times I didn’t try, but hey ho, live and learn, that’s what life is all about, here and now.

Before my relationship though, I would go round and round in my head (google search “Rumination”) and obsessed over self help material, from books and videos to motivational speeches, trying to find anything to solve that problem for me. Briefly it worked, but I would sink back in to the same moods. I realized that the obsession and constant looking inward was actually a hindrance to me, it’s possible to get stuck in your own thoughts WAY too much, I was going way too deep in my thought process. It’s the polar opposite of searching for anything external to make your life better.

That’s the thing with thoughts and feelings, that’s all they are. They have no physical bearing on you being alive right now, you don’t need them for your body to function. So why give them so much weight and power over yourself? They don’t make you who you are. Sure you can listen to them, but do you have to do what they say? Do you have no other choice? Just take whatever your brain or heart is saying under advisement and move on. Never open the door to it, or an over active mind can run riot.

Nothing else matters but this very moment of your life. You can choose to do whatever you want with it.

Love totally exists for everyone and it’s important to see that love is very different for everyone. For some people they might have a physical reaction, for others they might feel more secure, for others they might actually feel absolutely nothing, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t in love. All that matters is the connection, a bond that is forged over time. It cannot be forced. You will probably struggle to find meaningful love in bars and places where your friend is taking you, it’s not impossible but for someone like you, it seems like you need something more than that.

I’ll leave it there for now, and I look forward to your response. We’re all in this together, sat on a rock zooming through space through no choice of our own. So let’s make the best of it.

Hi

I am a female in my early 30’s and can totally relate. Before I met my boyfriend, I thought I would be alone forever. I could not stand the boring conversations with most of the people I met. I was looking for someone who was curious about the world and liked to learn. Where I’m from…it was nearly impossible. Unfortunately, when I was young, I presented myself outwardly, as a girl who just wanted to have a good time, but inside I was screaming for something more substantial. This led to lots of 1st dates but rarely any 2nd dates.

I got so fed up one day I said “I’m done.”  No more dating, sex, or men….for a while. I meant it. With this new mentality, I stopped worrying about meeting my “soul mate.” I started having better conversations with people because I no longer had any expectations. I was able to be myself because I didn’t care what the other person thought about me. During that time I focused on myself. I did the things I wanted to do, it was such an amazing feeling of freedom. The first month or 2 was a little tough, but it turned out to be exactly what I needed. About nine months later, while at a party, I met someone and again had no intentions of anything happening but I found him pretty interesting and different from anyone I had previously met. He made an impression but we didn’t exchange information. Over the next two weeks, we kept bumping into each other and eventually I realized, I liked him and to my surprise, he liked me… for me. I was being myself and he didn’t have any complaints. The whole experience made me a much more confident and authentic person, which in turn attracts people who are of the same mindset. I’m not a religious person or anything, but I do think that everything worked out like it did, for a reason.

When I read your post, I instantly thought this guy is not like everybody else. The fact that you’re aware of what is missing and what you want, speaks volumes. I hope the IED talk was just that, because that is a very permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know it feels like at 26 you should have a girlfriend but FUCK THAT. I think people are just becoming who they are around that age. We change a lot in our lives and maybe the girl you were looking for at 21 is different from the woman you’re looking for today?

I could sugar coat this last part, but that wouldn’t help the situation. Self pity is a horrible thing. I speak from experience. I don’t know if you realize but  it might have come across to the women you’ve talked to? Even if you’re not blatantly saying “I feel sorry for myself”  some of the phrases you used in your post, give off that vibe. When I started excepting my circumstances, I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I tried to be more optimistic. Most women or people in general want to be around someone who is positive. Imagine hanging out with someone who has no excitement for the future?   The future hasn’t happened yet so why be  negative about it. If you want it to be amazing….it will be. You really are in control of it.  It’s all about perspective. Please trust me on this…I’ve gone through some horrific things in my life, things that the old me, would have never gotten through, but I changed my outlook and my life has become so much better.  By the way, stop surrounding yourself with shallow people.Its obvious there’s more to you than money. BTW Leave the theory’s of your college friends where they belong… in college.

I hope something in my response helped, even a tiny bit. Good Luck either way.

Don’t give up on yourself, you’re just getting to the good part.

D