Cannot Move ON

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This topic has 6 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 6 years ago by Eliana.

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November 23, 2018 at 8:01 am #244827

Ed
Participant

It’s been a little over 100 days since the end of my 9 month relationship with my Gf. I’ve heard all the “move on” & “there is someone else out there for you” etc etc. I understand this and have lived through it before. What I am experiencing now however is an overwhelming amount of grief, I am upper middle aged and have been divorced over 12 years. Love and a healthy relationship has not found me yet and my feelings of despair are stronger than ever. I still “feel” the good times from the past we shared and this just adds to my pain as it is now all gone with the breakup. Adding the Holidays and a slower time with work does not help. I have some hobbies and passions but they are more of a BandAid right now. If anyone has anything new/different to say I would appreciate it. I am already doing all the typical: Staying busy, keeping close to family/friends etc.

November 23, 2018 at 8:40 am #244869

ARay
Participant

To all those who think demanding “get over it” is helping: either demonstrate the HOW or stop saying that, period. #justsayin’

Your loss is real; the pain you feel is to be expected. There are actual statistics on how long it takes to get over a relationship, so please be kind as you keep your eye on the calendar. Getting through it is the only way to get over it, and it takes time (about 18 months, experts say.) Talking about ‘it’ can help but it reactivate feelings, so please check out “tapping.” Based in Chinese medicine (acupressure points) it works to remove the emotional charge associated with a thought. You can find a “Basic EFT routine” on YouTube. (Emotional Freedom Technique) It seems awkward at first but so what? It works like gravity: whether you believe in it, or not.

November 23, 2018 at 9:46 am #245609

Selkie
Participant

I know you’ve probably heard this before, but I think the only way out is through. Grief is natural, especially around this time, and it’s just something that you’ll feel until…one day you won’t feel it anymore. Maybe knowing that will help you out- when you’re in the middle of grief, it feels like it will never end. But realize that it will, maybe even sooner than you think. It’s all temporary. I don’t know where you live- I’m in NYC and I find that during the holidays, just taking in the pleasures of looking at holiday lights or enjoying hot chocolate makes me feel better. It sounds cheesy, but maybe you can even say it loud to yourself- “Those lights are so gorgeous, I’m so grateful that I can see them right now…” And it might get you out of your head. It’s our heads and the thoughts that cause all the trouble. 🙂

November 23, 2018 at 2:10 pm #248281

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ed:

If you want to move on, there are women out there, about your age, who also need “love and a healthy relationship”, whose “feelings of despair are stronger than ever”, especially during the holidays.

How about online dating? If done skillfully, it can produce positive beginning results, and before Christmas!

What are your thoughts about online dating?

anita

November 24, 2018 at 6:10 am #248325
Inky
Participant
Hi Ed,

Might I suggest running. Or walking, at the very least.

Go online or get a book with running plans. I go to the Jenny Hadfield website where there are 30 plans, anywhere from walking a 5K to Ultramarathon.

It gives me a focus, I see fitness results, AND I feel so incredibly GOOD when I’m done! You have no idea!

As a perk you see familiar faces on the trail or in the gym. There are even running clubs!

I’m going through a bit of a situation right now myself. I could see myself getting super depressed about it IF I wasn’t doing this! But since I am it’s “no biggie” emotionally. Thank you, Endorphins!

Good Luck,

Inky
- This reply was modified 6 years ago by Inky.
November 24, 2018 at 12:21 pm #248351

Tahlullah
Participant

I would class what you are experiencing as bereavement. And recovering from the loss of a loved one is a slow process and nothing in my opinion can speed it up.

My personal suggestion would be to embrace it and acknowledge it is happening to you. Look at bereavement self help books for guidance. You will come through this. Good luck on your journey.

November 25, 2018 at 1:12 pm #248535
Eliana
Participant
Hi Ed,

Looks like you received some great advice. Everyone is different in going through grief and loss. I was with a man I was very much in love with for only a year, yet it took me three years to completely get over him. The memories, “should have’s”, “what if’s” created even more anxiety. Just be gentle to yourself and don’t listen to people who say “move on” or “get over it”..you will..in time. This too, shall pass.
- This reply was modified 6 years ago by Eliana.
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