Cannot grasp that he left me

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This topic has 19 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 1 month ago by Anonymous.

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September 12, 2019 at 8:04 am #311841

Maria
Participant

Thank you for your kind responses. I have read them and analysed everything endlessly, and the last two days I have been completely exhausted. I am alternating between “He indeed did not want/was not able to make effort for a relationship” and “It was all my fault and I am a complete idiot for ruining something so beautiful”. I guess I know, rationally, that the truth is somewhere between these two.

It is entirely possible that he had something going on which I was not aware of. He was extremely quick and strong with his anger, and it felt that he completely lost any respect for me when he was angry. I was really afraid of saying something remotely wrong or needy lately and I think we were both really tense about it. However, I sincerely believed that we will work it through and I would have never, ever, thought that ending everything between us is the right thing to do. I cannot understand why he thought that, and I can absolutely not picture our lives separately 🙁

September 12, 2019 at 8:52 am #311859

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Maria:

Do you think there is a chance of the two of you getting back together?

If there is a chance of that, pay attention to what he told you, that you were terrorizing him with the nagging. This means that he felt that his mental health is in danger because of you, so he ran away from danger, as animals do when threatened. He ran away by breaking up with you.

If there is a getting back together, if such is considered by the two of you, attend first to the danger that he ran away from- the nagging on your part must end, not lessen, not become less frequent- but end altogether. You must promise him that and be able to keep your promise at all times.

I know he wasn’t perfect in the relationship and sometimes verbally aggressive at times when you nagged him, and that he was imperfect otherwise. Nevertheless, your nagging of him is not an issue of compromise- it has to end completely because any of it– if you get back together- will bring a final breakup.

Maybe, just maybe if you understand this point thoroughly and are able to follow through and communicate that to him, maybe he will feel safe enough to give the relationship another try.

anita

September 12, 2019 at 9:15 am #311871

Valora
Participant

Hi Maria,

Yes, it was likely somewhere in between those two. The good news is that you learned a lesson from this, right? So that if he does come back and you two get back together, hopefully the same mistakes won’t happen again. Anita is also right in that he made the decision to leave, so he will not want to come back unless he knows that whatever problems he had with the relationship won’t still be there. A promise of change won’t be enough, but demonstration of knew knowledge should be.

The thing about the “nagging” you did, it was really just you expressing your concerns/needs to him, which you should STILL be able to do, but reframe it. When you address concerns in the future, like if you’re feeling like you aren’t seeing each other enough and want him to call you more, instead of complaining to him that he doesn’t call you on breaks or before bed, for example (which is a criticism and makes people put a guard up), try SUGGESTING to him… like “hey, I miss you during the day. I know you’re busy, but do you ever have a moment during your day for a quick call, maybe during a break?” That is getting the same point across while sounding much more considerate, and he will be much more likely to give a positive response to that (even if it’s just letting you know he’s too busy or needs his breaks to himself to regroup/refocus) rather than getting angry. So just think of ways to make your concerns known but not accusatory so they don’t come off as criticism.

John Gottman is a very well known psychologist who has studied relationships for decades. He has some videos on YouTube and his website that are so, so helpful. I wish I would’ve seen them years ago. When you get some time, check them out. I think you’ll find the information helpful for future relationships, whether it’s getting back with your ex or a new guy.

Lastly, it’s not just you that will need to change. The way he would speak to you when he was angry wasn’t okay either. You may need to learn to reframe how you speak your needs, but he also needs to respond with respect, whether he’s upset by what you say or not.

September 27, 2019 at 4:10 am #314603

Maria
Participant

Thank you for the thoughtful answers. Meanwhile, I have been trying hard to focus on my world without him and also trying to accept that maybe I will never really know the “real truth” about why it ended. Most of the people close to me say that I was not “too needy” but I just didn’t get what I needed with him and maybe I should have left long time ago. It is easy to say it, but I have very real feelings for him and I miss him every moment of every day. I am still confused about whether or not I should contact him – I would definitely more than willing to try again, but a part of me feels very reluctant to be the one who contacts him and runs after him again, as it was always me during our relationship.

September 27, 2019 at 6:28 am #314615

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Maria:

“Most of the people close to me say that I was not ‘too needy’ but I just didn’t get what I needed with him and maybe I should have left long time ago”- maybe what they say is true. But people, talking to a person following a breakup, often say whatever will make the broken hearted feel better, true or not.

I didn’t re-read your previous shares this morning, but is it true that you nagged him and terrorized him?

Also: you wrote that it was always you who ran after him in the relationship. What did you do before that you consider to be running after him?

anita
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