Dear Karen:

Welcome back. I just spent a few hours reading your previous threads starting February 2016.

You shared before that you grew up with a mother who is severely hearing impaired and therefore communication with her was always severely lacking, but so was your communication with your hearing father. You grew up very much isolated within your small family where you still live on a five acre land with a nice view and lots of animals.

In April 2016 you shared that before your job in 2015, you were “out of work for a very long time.. having been severely socially phobic for most of my whole adult life”, you shared that you were raped when you were 14, that at the time you accidently found your father’s “large pornography magazines hidden in a cupboard while you looked for lollies (lollipops), felt compelled to read them all, and that made you feel so uncomfortable around your father. At 15 you started to wet the bed every night, dropped out of last year of high school and “became agoraphobic for years”.

You saw the first female therapist when you were 22, and stopped wetting the bed, but you were still socially phobic. At 24 (2007) you discovered a forum where people with body image problems (you self diagnosed yourself with Body Dysmorphic Disorder at one point) communicated and you got to chat with a man. You were “so naïve and smitten” and agreed to take the your first plane flight and visit him. Before you visited him, you “crash dieted and over exercised to 42 kg” (92.5 lb). You took that flight (a great achievement for a person with your fears), and felt euphoric for making the fight and for losing all that weight.

But when you met him he “was not very friendly”, looked at you in disgust, wasn’t motivated to show you around the famous city where he lived, sat at his computer with his back turned to you when in his place, and raped you on the first night. The next morning he told you that you looked terrible and that if you weighed more you would be okay. You gained weight so to please him and stayed with him for four months. He slept with you often, “but no affection and even criticizing my body and how I look in bed- to how I walked and talked and everything in between”. When in public, he walked away from you “like I was an embarrassment (despite putting healthy weight on)”, he ate his food in a café and left you there to eat on your own.

You wrote: “I don’t know why I stayed- I just wanted him to like me I guess”. Eventually he told you to leave on your own, then begrudgingly took you to the airport, dropped you off and “blasted away.. No wave”. Back home with your parents, you were “mute for 6 months. I didn’t talk to anyone.. didn’t even see the daylight”.

From 2007 to 2015, you “had been very low in self esteem, overweight, and avoiding anyone except my parents and close family”, as well as your animals, finding it “hard to go out in public and to be around people.. so low in self esteem… severe anxiety and body image issues and insecurities”.

And then 2015 came, and it “was one of the best years I have had in a very long time”, you were on disability at the time and didn’t have to work, but you took on a job. “And by doing that, my whole life has changed”. You met this guy at work, the guy suffering from schizophrenia, Nick. He followed you around, opened the door for you, talked to you a lot, and you developed a crush, volunteering to work on weekends just so to be around him. You lost weight, made “huge changes in my appearance and body image. For once in my life I started to like what I saw and discovered fashion for once and looked after myself”. Working there you discovered “a purpose and an identity- a hard worker and I developed muscles too”.

December 2015, he asked you out for the first time, and the two of you spent New Year’s Eve having a meal, and spending the night at his place (a garage, part of his parents’ property), watching some films. You sat on one sofa and he sat on another, and later, the two of  you slept separately. You left the morning after. Following that night he didn’t ask you out for months, and you were anxious during those months, hoping he’ll ask you out again (“the worst part was the waiting”). Sometimes he flirted with you, at other times he ignored you, and you were confused.

During that time, he told you repeatedly about a certain woman he used to know somewhat, a woman who had an “angel face”, so beautiful.. and he had lots of blond women photos in his Facebook, a few were famous singers, and all were women he didn’t know personally, women he referred to as “hot”. He photoshopped his image into the photos of these women and added hearts and romantic songs and whatnot. Plus posted 1000 selfies of himself there.

You were upset by his stories about that one woman and by his collection of blond “hot” women on his Facebook, and you tried to compete with those women by losing weight, from 85 kg (187 lb), to nearly 55 kg (121 lb), gaining muscle because of the physical nature of the job,  dressing attractively and even tried bleaching your natural brown hair so to appear blond. But his obsessions with the other woman/ Facebook images continued nonetheless, and he “would ignore me often”. You “felt un-special… every weekend I get very, very depressed”. You used to “get very lonely until the next working days”.

Finally there was a second date, had a meal, went to his place, watched a film and then you went home. At work he didn’t talk to you much, then he completely ignored you for a week, you were confused, didn’t understand (“Am I a friend to this guy- 0r what? I don’t understand”).

In June 2016, you shared more about your body dysphoria, how you worried about looking too thin: “Like in Easter, when the whole family came  over.. and last time I was very overweight.. this time I was slim.. yet nobody said a thing and its though they looked at me like I had a disease or something. That lead me to think of myself as looking sickly and too thin”.

A year later, June 2017, about two years after you met Nick, you shared that he was fired from his job some time before, that he had no money other than a pension he gets, that he doesn’t have a job and he isn’t looking for any, that he still lives in his parents’ double garage, that he is a strong smoker, has breathing issues where “he holds his breath all the time among other things”, that he used to  smoke dope for many years. That for years he smoked ice, a methamphetamine, having spent $100 almost very week or fortnight on it when he used to work, and still uses it once a month. That he “has to go to the doctor every fortnight to get a jab of Risperdal which is a strong anti- psychotic”, that he has “no energy to do anything and lacks attention span too”, and that “Most of the time, he is in a daze and he is always smoking and pacing and in his own world”.

And he thinks he has a future with you, talks about having kids with me, growing old together, wants you to spend every night with him even though he goes to bed early, that after a long day of work you rush to his place “only to get to his place and he would just be sitting on his computer looking at his millions of selfies or his Facebook page and basically ignore me the entire time”. You wrote that “he has changes so much for the better” because of you, that you are his world, and that he has no idea that you are thinking of breaking up with him. “how to I break up with someone who thinks that he has the rest of his life with me and that has nothing else in his life really but me?”, you asked 2.5 years ago.

Two and a half years later, January 2020, you shared that back in 2016 you “became the independent confident person I got glimpse of in times I was well in the past”, that you felt “socially full” and that lasted three years, you shared how you felt “like striking gold that a guy like me”, the guy being Nick. But you have “had to endure an extreme amount of distress and dysfunction from him” and you’ve been “badly burnt”, “burnt out shell of a person”, that you have let him “basically take over my life through his own dysfunctions”, that now you understand that a person with schizophrenia is unable to “take control and plan… unable to make goals without a lot of help.. basically couldn’t manage their live like a normal person or that they couldn’t concentrate on things and have issues with hygiene and not understanding boundaries etc.”, that you are “obese and dealing with adrenal fatigue” and that your body in the last two years is “in a dire state of bed time and aches and pains and chronic fatigue and brain fog, breathlessness, and “it really is a huge struggle to keep up with daily things”.

And now, my input today: it is a very difficult experience for a child to grow up in a home where social isolation is so extreme. Reads to me that your mother, because of her disability was unable to communicate effectively with you (or with your father, I am guessing). Finding his large collection of pornography in the context of that extreme social isolation was traumatic for you. I think it was shocking and your extreme discomfort regarding your body, its femininity and otherwise, started right there and then, if not before.

Your experience of rape at 14 and even worse, having been raped and so severely mistreated at 24 for four months was horrendous.

It is a testimony of your resilience and intelligence that you survived such a childhood and later experiences.

The job at 34 was a wonderful experience for you, to be around people, to find out that you are a hard worker,  to work hard physically and develop muscles, those were great things.

Your very low self esteem and social isolation at home and outside work otherwise, caused you to over- value Nicks’ attention toward you and you got hooked on it early on. Fast forward, this relationship exhausted you and you considered breaking up with him 2.5 years ago. Yet you kept at it and now you are even more exhausted and your health is suffering.

Nick’s mental health is poor, not only does he suffer from schizophrenia, but he abuses methamphetamine. All that you shared about him indicates that he has not been making any significant progress toward better health, if he smoked heavily before, that didn’t change because he is still smoking heavily, and he used to work but he no longer does, he doesn’t consider a new job. This is  regression, not progression.

Your physical and mental health is suffering greatly because of this relationship.

Time to end this relationship, isn’t it?

Ending this relationship will not be easy, but it needs to be done so that you can again progress toward physical and mental health.

You still work at the same place, I understand?

anita

Dear Karene:

Welcome back. When you posted last, Jan 3 this year, there were wildfires going on in Australia, where you live. Little did we now that a wild virus was already spreading at the time, about to take over the world  two months later.

Russel (we referred to him previously as Nick) has been a very important person in your life for years. He has been the only person with whom you felt closeness: “it’s been a very close relationship.. he knows me more than anyone”.

We humans are very much Social animals, and Russel has been your Social, (or as your therapist referred to him, your Familiar). When we are isolated for a long time, we feel dead; when we socialize again, we feel alive: “I felt alive and had someone to share things with”.

You know that Russel loves you (“He loves me”), and you know that he “has brain issues that prevent him from being able to plan or foresee outcomes in his mind”, that his bad choices are “all impulse”, and therefore, you  know that he cannot live independently. He is currently living in his mother’s home, relying on government money that he misuses for buying drugs that exacerbate his psychosis. And so, you understand his limitations and you don’t take his sickness and dysfunction personally.

“I crave connection. I want to talk to him and tell him about my own things like normal and hear his stuff”- you need contact with him, otherwise you feel terribly alone. If he moves with his mother 400 km, you will see him rarely, if at all, even after the pandemic is over. But even though he still lives close by, you can’t see him/ communicate with him online,  because his psychosis is more pronounced, having been made worse by his meth drug use.

In a moment of clarity, he told you, “that he can’t stay here and that he loves me but he can’t because of schizophrenia”- he can’t stay in your area if his mother will be moving 400 km away, he can’t rent or buy a place and live independently.

One problem you currently have in regard to Russel is that he uses meth which exacerbates his psychosis and when that happens, the connection with him suffers a lot. A second problem is that he may be moving 400 km away.

* Maybe his mother will not be moving- it takes a lot of time and effort to move, as well as money. Having two adult children who suffer from psychosis and who use meth, may not leave her enough energy to arrange for a move.

If his mother moves away, the only way for you to keep Russel close by is if you make the practical arrangements for him to live close by,  rent him a place, and check on him every day, to see that he is okay.

“Now that he’s likely moving and now that he has psychosis again.. it left me feeling like I used to, very alone”-

– you are welcome to post here anytime, and when you do, I will respond to you. This is one online connection that is available to you. Best you can, enjoy interacting with the animals on your property. As you probably know, pets can provide a lot of comfort. Dogs in particular are affectionate and interactive. Regarding Russel, his meth use is out of your control, and his mother’s choices of where to live is also out of your control. If you can’t arrange for Russel to live close by the time his mother moves him away, then there is nothing for you to do, but wait and hope for the best.

anita

Dear Karene:

You are very welcome. I am sorry you are feeling badly, and I hope you will feel better soon!

A few days ago, Russel told you that he will ring you that night, but didn’t. You’ve been “agonising what was going on and waiting and waiting”. Yesterday he phoned you and suggested that the two of you go for a walk, and you “jumped at that.. felt like a flower opened up in me”. As you were getting ready to see him, he rang to tell you he couldn’t make it. You asked him why, and he said that he didn’t know, and hung up.

Next, you rang him even though you are scared of ringing him. He answered the phone and after you told him that you “found it very hurtful”, he said: “I’ll talk to you later okay” and hung up. You are hurt and in pain, “He chooses to ignore and not care even when he is not doing anything”. You feel as badly as in 2007, when you flew to see a man you were smitten with, only to be sexually and emotionally abused by him.  For about 8 years following that experience, you avoided people other than your parents and close family, finding it “hard to go out in public and to be around people” -a pre-pandemic social- distancing, using the current term.

You are thinking about preparing another card for Russel, even though he didn’t receive the previous one that you sent him recently, and didn’t care to look for that card in a neighbor’s letterbox, where it might have been placed by mistake.

Let’s look at what it means to use and be addicted to meth: healthline. com reads: “Meth produces an intense high that comes and fades quickly. Coming down can cause difficult emotional and physical symptoms, such as depression and insomnia. As a result, meth addiction often follows a pattern of bingeing on the drug for several days at a time, followed by a crash.”

Wikipedia reads: “Methamphetamine is a potent central nervous system (CNS) stimulant that is mainly used as a recreational drug.. At very high doses, it can induce psychosis.. Chronic high- dose use can precipitate unpredictable and rapid mood swings, stimulant psychosis (e.g., paranoia, hallucinations, delirium, and delusions) and violent behavior… Methamphetamine is known to possess a high addiction liability (i.e., a high likelihood that long-term or high dose use will lead to compulsive drug use) and high dependency liability (i.e., a high likelihood that withdrawal symptoms will occur when methamphetamine use ceases)”.

axisresidentialtreatment. com reads: “When someone abuses crystal meth, it doesn’t take long for the drug to cause extreme and noticeable changes in them. From their appearance to their mental stability to the simplest of interactions with others, there is a marked change, and the entire personality of the user can flip 180 degrees… While experiencing the effects of crystal meth dose, you may notice a number of different things about your loved one. They may: have dilated pupils, be extremely personable and chatty, be unable to sit still, be extremely focused on some minute task or detail, pace and compulsively touch their arms, face, etc., talk to themselves. They may seem agitated and out of it or they may be eerily focused and managing multiple tasks at once with a smile and run-on conversation. Their behavior may change from binge to binge, but it is always a stark change from their normal self.

When the drug wears off, your loved one’s true personality will not return for a few days. In the aftermath of a crystal meth binge, your family member may be: surly, exhausted, unable to sleep or eat, paranoid, restless, uncomfortable”.

As I read and typed the above, it is crystal clear to me that.. a crystal meth addiction makes a positive, reliable friendship/ romantic relationship impossible.

You wrote regarding his behavior: “I feel like I’ve done something wrong”- no, you haven’t. The drug he takes is very powerful, it’s the drug that does him (and you) wrong.

You asked: “How can this person who always promised me he’d be there for me, never hurt me, and that he loves me, act like that?”

My answer: he takes meth, probably crystal meth. If he took an anti-psychotic medication for his pre-meth psychosis and no meth, he would probably be okay in the context of a friendship/ romantic relationship. But he takes meth which makes his psychosis worse. He is very addicted and is not in any treatment program. As long as he is able to buy the drug, he will continue to use it.

Do you agree?

anita

Dear Karene:

I am not surprised that you read a lot about psychosis and crystal meth, and your understanding makes sense to me. Taking it all together, I figure that the only way Russel will not stop using meth is if he has no money to buy it, or no access to people who sell it.

His mother is not well herself and most likely, at the least, she significantly contributed to her two adult children very poor mental health. I don’t see a reason to hope that she will do what’s right for any of them in the future, no more than she has done in the past. What’s right for them, particularly for Russel, seems to me, is to get him to a hospital, and keep him there regardless of him agreeing to it or not (an involuntary hospitalization), detox him from crystal math and any other drug he may be on, other than the Risperdal, and then figure out a better living arrangement for him, an institution of some kind.

I wonder if Crystal Meth Anonymous (CMA) in Australia can help you regarding Russel. You can contact people on that website and ask perhaps if involuntary hospitalization is possible for Russel, and if there is anything you can do, as his friend, to make it happen. Their website is: www. crystalmeth. org. au (no spaces).

There is an article online written by The Cabin Sydney, which is a specialist addiction treatment centre dealing with substance addictions, it has outpatients services in Sydney. Their website is, no spaces: www. thecabinsydney.  com. au/ blog/ australias- deadly- addiction- to- meth. In an article they published, Sept 1, 2015, they warned about a pandemic of a different kind from the current Covid-19 that we are experiencing world wide:

“Across Australia, officials are talking about soaring rates of meth addiction, warning that levels of meth use have reached pandemic proportions.. Ice is extremely addictive.. 7% of all Australians have tried ice at some point in their lives. This is compared to only 1.2% ever trying heroin.. ice addiction and its use is particularly dangerous as it is associated with drug induced psychosis, violence, and erratic behavior.. there are more purer forms of the drug reaching the streets.

In Victoria, the number of meth related ambulance calls has doubled in recent years, and ice is now the second leading cause of drug overdose, after heroin. Officials say it has surpassed heroin as Australia’s most dangerous illicit drug… The ice epidemic is distressing for communities and straining systems at all levels… According to Australian officials, the response to the ice epidemic will take collaboration from all areas of society. Government, law enforcement, social services, educators, and parents will have to work together in order to make a difference..

Some drug rehab centres have retrained employees to handle meth users specifically, as they can be more difficult to deal with than other types of drug addicts… There is currently a major shortage of treatment options in Australia, and many suffering from meth addiction are waiting months to receive treatment in overcrowded, ill-equipped treatment centres. .. At the Cabin Sydney we offer a comprehensive, integrative approach to addiction recovery. Contact us today if you or someone you love is in need of meth addiction treatment”.

-you can see how little power you have (as one individual/ friend of an addict) over this epidemic in general, and specifically, now little power you have over Russel’s addiction. It takes a whole lot of people, lots of resources, and lots of time and patience to lead one ice addict to no longer use the drug.

All you can do is what you did recently, talk to him as if he is a child, talk kindly to him, send him a card.. and perhaps contact the two websites I mentioned for further information.

anita