Hi Helcat,

thanks a lot, I am moved by your kind words.

Yeah, it’s an everyday struggle to choose to look at my chronic pain with hope and acceptance, rather than with resignation and despair. It did force me to dive deep into my faith, I guess. It was shattered for a while, because I believed God is causing these problems to me, that God doesn’t want me to succeed and thrive. But I’ve realized that’s not true and dug deeper to see how I might be causing or at least contributing to the pain. And in that space, I did find a window to help myself.

As for motherhood, the only option for us would have been IVF. And it was too much for me, I didn’t want to go through the procedure, knowing that I have issues with being a mother anyway. So I didn’t opt for it…

When you say you now have more empathy for your parents, I totally understand you. I also understand some of my parents’ decisions, which weren’t the best but were made out of necessity, and I don’t blame them for that. But it’s not those decisions that were the most harmful. It’s rather my mother’s very negative view of life, which made her a bitter person, not able to give  me love but constantly criticizing me and making me feel like I was not good enough. It’s really the slow, repetitive putting me down (instead of lifting me up) that caused the greatest harm.

Of course, mental health wasn’t a thing back then, so that too is large factor. They didn’t know about “conscious parenting” and everything young parents know (or can know) today. All that contributed to how I was raised… Anyway, I am not blaming my parents, I’ve forgiven them. But the emotional injuries still happened and it’s taken a long time to heal them. And the process is still ongoing…

It is wonderful that you opted to have a baby and that you went into motherhood with much more awareness, having had lots of therapy and healing over the years. I think that’s crucial and a guarantee that you will be a great, caring and attuned mother!

Wishing you all the best too! <3