Broken, lost and confused.

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This topic has 26 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 2 months ago by Chris Gutierrez.

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February 12, 2018 at 12:33 pm #192083

Chris Gutierrez
Participant

Broken to be happy again, meditate. Helps me every time.

Please Broken, try that for 10 minutes. Okay.

February 12, 2018 at 12:53 pm #192091

Chris Gutierrez
Participant

How a 10-Day Silent Retreat Helped Heal My Grieving Heart

I hope this works.

February 12, 2018 at 1:08 pm #192093

Ash
Participant

Thank you. I’ll have a look into this 🙂

February 13, 2018 at 7:29 am #192205

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ash:

I hope you heal and recover from this experience of “Broken, lost and confused”- it will help if you are less confused. For the purpose of gaining clarity, I ask:

you wrote that there were glaring red flags in the relationship, in hindsight. What were they and how quickly did they appear?

anita

February 13, 2018 at 8:59 am #192217

Ash
Participant

Hello Anita,

I’ll list a few;

1) Mentions of his ex during ‘intimate’ moments but as very passing comments e.g. ‘I know how women think because I had a girlfriend, I mean ex-girlfriend for a while’

2) Told me a story about a girl he dumped, and she accused him of ‘using’ her.

3) Some very bizarre judgemental comments

4) Laughing at inappropriate situations!

5) Inability to ‘voice’ emotions, even though we were physically very affectionate

6) Multiple dating profiles, with different descriptions of him

February 13, 2018 at 9:25 am #192227

Mark
Participant

Ash,

I wonder after all this, that you find it difficult to move on. You said you want to but cannot and it has affected you life profoundly.

I suspect that this man was a catalyst that triggered something that was lurking deeper. I believe if we are healthy and congruent then we are able to rebound from life’s trials and tribulations. I am not saying it would be easy or quick but if we have the inner resources, good sense of our self, self love then we have a core of emotional resilience to weather such setbacks. I may be talking out of my ass but that’s my belief.

I don’t have any real suggestions for you if that is the case for you but at least it may be something that will help you find the right help for yourself.

Mark

February 13, 2018 at 10:31 am #192249

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ash:

Regarding #1, a red flag for me is that he stated that he “knows how women think”, that is, he doesn’t see a distinction between individual women’s thinking, assuming they all think alike.

And it reads to me that he doesn’t think highly of “how women think”, and therefore, of how you think.

In addition to that, reads to me, that he feels much anger about what he perceives to be “how women think”, having read his behavior toward you in your original post.

You referred to your experience with him as a “Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde experience”- I suppose he hid his anger at times, that he needs a woman in his life on one hand, and that on the other he is angry at women. When he needs more than he is angry, he acts nice toward the woman; when he is angry more than he needs a particular woman, he is rude and abusive.

anita

February 13, 2018 at 11:32 am #192263

Ash
Participant

Mark,

Thank you for your reply. I completely agree! In the past, I have been able to bounce back from much more ‘difficult’ situations than this, and truth be told this has unleashed some demons that I had locked up for a long time! That is probably the reason why this situation has consumed me. I plan on spending my time tackling my own demons and healing myself from this day forward.

Thank you! 🙂

Anita,

That makes so much sense! I never even thought of it that way. That would definitely explain why he generalised so much! Thank you for your valuable insight. I never did find out why his last relationship ended so badly, perhaps that is what has shaped his view of women?

February 13, 2018 at 12:37 pm #192293

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ash:

You are welcome. It is more likely that a man’s relationships with women is shaped by his relationship as a child and onward with his own mother, being influenced as well by his father’s attitude toward women. By the time a man is an adult, attitudes such as these are already formed.

anita

February 13, 2018 at 2:22 pm #192331

Mark
Participant

You are welcome Ash.

I wonder if you care to share what those demons you think there are that is keeping you from healing?

Mark

February 13, 2018 at 2:50 pm #192337

Ash
Participant

Anita,

This is what baffles me. He had a very loving relationship with his mother, but was very dependent on her! Alas, I must stop analysing him and focus on myself.

Mark,

There are many: difficult relationship with my father, a need for ‘validation’, rape survivor. I have never truly dealt with any of these issues, and perhaps that is why I was drawn to such a man. In an odd way, I am very grateful for the experience because I know realise how many broken pieces I truly have that I need to fix.

February 14, 2018 at 7:34 am #192443

Mark
Participant

Thank you for sharing that Ash.

I wish you well in addressing those deeper issues so you can heal and live a fuller life.

I would think you would need to heal a bit more before venturing out into having another relationship with a man.

Best to you,
Mark

February 14, 2018 at 7:36 am #192447

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ash:

He told you that he had and has a loving relationship with his mother, did he? A child has only one experience with love, nothing to compare it to, and so, a child believes that was love, whatever it was. A child can be beaten ten times a day by a parent, but if fed once, the child will say it was love.

It is better to ask a person than to assume, lots to learn this way. If you would like to share… about your definition of love, the love you experienced as a child, please do. As well as the difficult relationship with your father, if you’d like my input, that is.

anita

February 14, 2018 at 8:11 am #192457

Eliana
Participant

Hi Ash,

I read a quote once, it said “All of us are broken, but even broken crayons still color the same”. I am wondering, sometimes, we have to surrender, to turn it over. We can’t fix every aspect of our lives. There is a serenity prayer that we use in Emotions Anonymous, a 12 step support program I attend. (I do the phone groups since there are no face-to-face meetings where I live). It says “God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”. In other words, we have to accept things about ourselves we can’t change on our own by willpower, and just turn it over, let it go. We are all like beautiful jigsaw puzzles. All peices, fitting together, one peice at a time, one day at a time. If a peice doesn’t fit, the jigsaw puzzle is not “broken” or “defective” it will eventually fit and it is still beautiful with a missing few peices.

Have you tried a 12 step support anonymous program such as emotions Anonymous? You can Google it. It is an amazing program. No charge. You can find a sponsor though one is not required to help you work the 12 steps. I have been in in for years, and have seen shy, unhappy, broken, emotionally beaten down people turn into hapoy, smiling positive people now in healthy relationships for the first time. The program really does work. x

February 14, 2018 at 11:04 am #192507

Ash
Participant

Mark,

Thank you for your advice. I am definitely in no position to be entering into any relationship with a man until I am ‘healed’, which will take as long as it needs to.

Anita,

Truth be told, I know very little about him. I have given up trying to understand him, because it was evidently my skewed perception of ‘love’ that kept me involved with such a man. My father has some serious anger and depression issues plus a ‘narcissistic’ personality. Growing up, I was often beat and then almost instantly he would apologise and the cycle would repeat all over again. My parents relationship has always been fractured. Yes, they are still married but my mother is very much subservient. His mood often fluctuates between very loving to completely cold and distant (sounds like the guy I was dating, right?). Due to a very early traumatic sexual experience, I feel like I associated love/affection with sex. Clearly a lot of work needs to be done!

Thanks for reading.

Eliana,

Thank you very much for your kind words. I actually have that prayer written on my mirror! I will definitely look into the 12 step program x
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