Home→Forums→Tough Times→Broken even after repairs
- This topic has 3 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 7 months ago by
Eli.
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August 28, 2014 at 12:00 pm #64059
EliParticipantHeloo. I’ve jsut turened 24 and I feel like I’ve lived in vain all these years because I don’t consider my self a worthy human being. For the last 6 years I changed a lot of stuff I didn’t like about myself, hard and really slowly, but couldn’t change my opinion about me and it actually got worse. I have an everyday struggle with the inner me that keeps telling me that I am worthless. Two years ago, after a fight between my parents, in wich I was the main subject I tried to have a car accident but couldn’t do it. I don’t have such suicidal impulses since then and I am proud that I succeeded on my own with that, but I don’t know how to get rid of that voice that keeps telling me that I am broken from so many points of view and I can’t be fixed because it’s too late. I just want to feel good being who I am, but my past experiences, when I was bullied in school in so many ways, by most of my classmates and actually one of my teachers, makes me feel that they were right about me and there is no good thing about me. Now, even if I don’t hear the same things about me, but actually the opposite I say to myself that the people that are telling me that I am good are lying or they say that because they don’t know me well enough. Untill I don’t feel I good about myself probably I won’t be able to believe them…
I tried to set goals so when I reach them I would feel better that I can do a certain thing, but I am unable to feel the happiness I should feel after accomplishing something. But if I do something wrong it feels like the whole world colapses and there is no hope for me to be better.
I’ve read somewhere that to see if you are confident enough in yourself try and lie, and if you believe yourself than you have a lot of confidence… but I don’t seem to have any because when I tell myself I am good the feeling of that disappears really quickly because I’m like “Who are you trying to lie?”
I’ve read so many books of practical psychology so I can put those thing into practice, and most of them worked but I never got the “love yourself unconditionally” right, not even conditionally works. I am really affraid not to fall into another depression because I can’t shake off the feeling of me being broken so I took the courage to write this here hoping that someone can help me with their experience. Thanks a lot in advance.August 29, 2014 at 4:46 am #64080
InkyParticipantAs adults, I’m sure most of the kids who bullied you would quail in shame if Oprah had videotaped them and now made it into a documentary. If it were a documentary, all the people would be on your side. In fact, don’t be surprised if one of them gives you an apology one day or even remembers you fondly, what great times you had! (The last one happened to me! I remember the bullying, she remembers playing tag because she was chasing me around!) Another chick didn’t like me at all. HATED me! We met again in our thirties and got on like a house on fire!
You must remember that as children and teenagers, people are literally half-baked. Crazy. Unformed. It’s like taking a cake out of the oven after only fifteen minutes.
The teacher and adults who hurt you most likely had lives that sucked. In fact you can see them again and say, “Remember me??” and watch them literally shrivel up inside.
Spend time with small children. Watch old people. Sick people. The mentally challenged. Even the jerks on the road. By warped standards, they aren’t “perfect” either, so why bother? Because we are ALL meaty sacs of imperfection. You can be embarrassed by actual things you did wrong. But never be ashamed of who YOU are!
A very small example ~ you can spell. My son, a special child, will never be able to spell like that. But yet I think he is special (the “good” kind LOL). View yourself the way I view him!! There are people who are/will be enchanted by you! Believe it!!
August 29, 2014 at 8:46 am #64098
SamdlbParticipantHi Eli.
Well done on opening up and writing and explaining your feelings. That took a lot of guts, “you done good.”
I also want to say you are very brave, and a lot stronger than me to try and pick yourself up and keep trying even though you’ve undeservedly not had the friendship and love that have needed and deserved.
It takes a lot of strength to soak up the insecurities and issues of bullies and keep on stepping forward. The fact that you are here and writing about it proves that, although you might not think so, you have taken a huge step forward.
Confidence and self love is something that I believe will always fluctuate day to day. Something that has really helped me, is to be true to myself and my morales and beliefs.
It might sound silly, but the simple act of making a decision based on what you believe is an act that reinforces that you are a good person. There are millions of people who make decisions based on what is easy, or what is the norm – but if you decide to live your life on your morals, you can be happy that you will have no regrets, and that you are doing the “right” thing. I’m sure you watched cartoons when you were a kid, think of the main character – the one that always did the right thing, he fought against evil, saved the day etc. Sure he probably had to deal with loads of problems, but to you as a kid watching – he was perfect because he did the right thing. Apply it to yourself.
Be true to yourself and believe in your decisions and the trust and confidence will grow in who you are. Good luck!
August 31, 2014 at 2:31 pm #64158EliParticipantInky and Samdlb… thank you so much for your kind words…they actually touched me and you can’t imagine how much I appreciate the time you took to write this things for me. After I wrote my feelings and my thoughts here I felt a bit liberated, but now that I’ve read your responses I get the feeling that the situation isn’t so bad, or how my grandma would say “the devil isn’t that black” .
Inky – adolescents aren’t yet baked into adults and maybe as adults they would see the situation differently and when we’ll meet at the 10th years after graduation party it will be a pleasure to talk to them. Them , the meaty sacs of imperfection (that just stuck in my mind and got a smile out of me). I’ll try to focus on what I can do, instead of what I can’t do, and spelling seems to be a good start thanks to you. Your son is very lucky with such a kind and wise human as a mother 🙂
Samdlb thank you for “Be true to yourself and believe in your decisions and the trust and confidence will grow in who you are.” – it’s now written on a paper on the wall near my desk. I’ve never thought that doing “the right thing” can make you perfect but the little perfectionist inside me that won’t let me sometimes sleep likes the idea.
I wish both of you all the best and I will be forever grateful. -
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