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Broken by my first lover

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Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)
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  • #90838
    jock
    Participant

    you had fun, move on, put it down to young love and try to learn from the experience. Would you prefer a fun loving boyfriend who plays the field or a quiet, serious boy who stays true to you? It’s the price you pay??

    #90841
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Ela,

    If he is indeed dating a fourteen year old, it is NOT a relationship. At all. It is a felony, and if there’s any intimacy whatsoever, he could be put in jail for a very long time, and have the rest of his life ruined once he’s on the Sexual Predator List. And let’s be clear here. He is a predator. The girl is not your age or even seventeen. She is FOURTEEN. For God’s sake!

    Aside from that, he is controlling and withholding to you.

    He is no prize.

    So don’t view him as one.

    Move on,

    Inky

    #90842
    Ela
    Participant

    Thank you very much for what you said. i’m trying really hard to let the past be in the past. i’ll think about what you said a lot ’cause i’m sure it will help. have a good new year both of you!

    #90848
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ela:

    A few things:

    One, the blame game: pay attention to this dynamic because if you do not, you will suffer for it in the future, again and again: He blamed you and you took the blame. Not a good dynamic. Lots of people like to blame and if there is someone willing to take the blame, again and again, then it is heaven for them for a while and hell for you. Pay attention to people whose habit is to blame others, to automatically point the finger at you, and pay attention to your tendency to blame yourself for what you are not responsible for.

    Two, his relationship with other girls is not likely to be more meaningful than his relationship with you has been. It is still HIM, the same person. He has trouble with trusting girls/ women maybe people in general. He had trouble trusting you, fearing you were cheating on him or could be. Even when you stopped talking to others, or whatever it is you did to accommodate him, he still didn’t trust you, felt distress nagging him. So to “solve” his trust problem he proceeded to cheat on you so that he no longer has to wonder if you were cheating or will be cheating on him. This is not likely to change with the current girlfriend.

    I wonder if he chose a 14 year old (Which is a crime in the U.S., as was pointed) because he feels a 14 year old is easier to control, to keep her from cheating on him. Of course, a 14 year old girl will grow up and be older if alive, and then, trouble… He will need to exercise more and more control over her… and then, end it and move on to someone else….I suppose.

    Three, the good times you experienced with him, well those were real. When he was not distressed with his nagging distrust and suspicion, he was fun to be around, even sincere… but without good psychotherapy he is not likely to magically heal from the hurt in his childhood that still plagues him. No amount of accommodating will heal him.

    What do you think, Ela?

    anita

    #90849
    Ela
    Participant

    Hi, Anita!
    Thank you a lot for your answer, your words really touched my heart and i feel encouraged to move on easily. As for the part about emotional wounds from his childhood- i can assure you there are NONE. he had a perfect childhood, he is the only child his parents have and i know very good that he didn’t miss a thing. Both parents loved and love him very much, he grew up with his cousins near him. i don’t know where where his obssesions come from, but definitely not from some emotional trauma.

    #90850
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ela:

    I like you moving on. As far as his childhood- it looks good to you, his childhood, from where you are standing, looking at it. It can be a very different story from where he is at. On my daily walk, I pass a house that looks beautiful, with trees and mountains all around, now snow on the trees around, worthy of a postcard. So it looks from my position passing it on my walk.

    But if I was inside that house, seeing people passing by there, car driving by I might feel too visible, like everyone can see what I am doing all day long. See I live in a much smaller house on a dead end street. People who drive by my house are way fewer, so I feel less visible, more private. I wouldn’t like to live in that house. My point is what looks good from HERE, may not be so good THERE.

    You only know what made YOUR childhood painful, so when you see opposite things in his childhood, you think: he had it good. You don’t know what you don’t know.

    And you do know what you do know: moving on. A new beginning with a healthier man in the future!

    anita

    #90851
    Ela
    Participant

    Thaaank you a loot! wish you the best, have a great new year! 🙂

    #90852
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Ela! Happy New Year and please do post anytime.

    anita

    #90864
    Annie
    Participant

    Hi Ela,

    As I was reading your post, I was reminded of someone else. I was reminded of myself. I too came to tinybuddha with a broken heart. It has been a few months since then and I feel wonderful. All the great times you had were nice, but healthy relationships are way more rewarding. I promise you will meet someone else and fall in love again. Hopefully this time they will be committed to you only. When someone is not considering your feelings and is not committed to you, then respect yourself and let them go. Give it time sweety and do all the things you love and lean on friends when you can. One day you will wake up and he won’t be the first thing on your mind.

    #90907
    Ela
    Participant

    Hi Annie,
    I’m really thankful for your beautiful words, it means a lot to see that there are other people who managed to reach happiness after some emotional injuries. Thank you a lot for offering me encouraging words, it feels like all of these replies were baby steps to a better state of mind, to a better me… And i really want to congratulate you for your growth, for your beautiful and happy heart you have now after you had to stitch it up, as painful as it was. God… thank you very much. have a wonderful new year!

    #91019
    Annie
    Participant

    Hi Ela,

    You are very welcome. Keep coming back and posting here whenever you feel upset and we will respond. Maybe one day you will heal and can come back to help others through a tough time.

    #91439
    jim
    Participant

    The first heart break is the hardest!!!!! I will never forget mine! I was 19 and now I am 56 lol! But, seems like it was yesterday!! But we ALL go through it! It’s not easy! But you are still young and have you whole life ahead of you! you don’t want someone who is going to cheat on you anyways! Good Luck!

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