Hi all,

Some of you may have already seen my previous posts on here about my ex, the love of my life who for a long time I couldn’t let go of.

Tonight is the night that I have. Tonight is the night I said enough – and it is breaking me.

For those of you that don’t know or haven’t read any of my previous posts. Myself and my ex partner had pretty much the picture perfect relationship. Beyond my imagination, beyond anything I ever thought was possible. He truly was the bestest thing that had ever happened to me, I was so grateful for him every day. He was my bestest friend, my safe place, my rock, my happiness, my motivation. He was my entire world. I spent three years with this man. Prior to him I wasn’t interested in dating even and then he came along out of nowhere and believe me when I tel you I KNEW in that moment that is the man I will be cosied up next to old and wrinkly watching the life we made for one whither, together. I was so god damn sure of it like nothing ever before in my life. We’ve never experienced any problems, had undeniable trust for one another, he was my world in human form.

Back in June we were faced with a very difficult situation. Nothing to do with our relationship, just a real life situation. Our first and major one. It broke us, we couldn’t hear one another, it was me against him and him against me, eventually it was our families against one another and our friends jumping in too – it was a mess, it got so out of hand. We split up.

We were both hurt, broken, unsure of what to do next. We knew that the situation was out of our control but everything around it was an absolute mess.

We kept in light contact whilst being apart. Something I thought was natural as we were quite happily in love before this sudden split.

We were apart for maybe about two months when he came to collect the last of his things. Throughout this time he was adamant that there would never be an us again, I wasn’t, my heart wasn’t and most definitely wasn’t ready to accept that but as he was adamant I had no other choice but to start picking myself up.

He came to collect his stuff at the end of August and confessed that he didn’t want things to end. He wanted us to try again and that we were perfect together. That he has tried to put on a front for too long and he loves me deeply. Despite the pain caused I was ecstatic! Of course I love you! Of course I want to make it work! So we did.. The time between August and October was confusing to say the least. He most definitely didn’t make an effort, was distant, cold even. Nothing like I had imagined the man who showed up at my doorstep practically begging me to be. We went our separate ways again, but not for long. By mid October he was back. This time he was ‘sure’. He took me back to make amends with his family, told all his friends, he really wanted to make it work. He said he had time to clear any doubts in his head and he knew that he loved me and will do anything in his power to make things work. Perfect. We were happy until November when one of the evenings somewhere in our conversation I realised he was being quite secretive with his phone. I already knew at this point that he was hiding something so I approached him about it and gave him the safe and open space to be honest about what’s on there that might hurt me. He didn’t. Instead he panicked and decided it would be best to make me out to be a crazy person (Ironic right?). I got hold of his phone in the end and found all of the girls he had been speaking with throughout our split. He assured me that it was a thing of the past and he realised in that conversation that stupidly he had kept conversations which are meaningless but might hurt me seeing them in the here and now. I was hurt, I withdrew, I demanded space. A week or so later I gave him the benefit of the doubt, trying to be as understanding as possible that we were not together at the time, and went away with him for the night to give him the private and open space to tell me the whole truth and nothing but the truth – clean slate so to speak. He did. He spoke for hours about everything and anything. I demanded space again and came to the conclusion that with work I am happy to still give things a go – after all we were not together and it was in the past. Again fast forward a few weeks and we are happy as ever. Things are really starting to fall into place now. Our friends know we’re dating again, I’ve made amends with his family, he was due to be coming to make amends with mine in the new year – I didn’t arrange this before as I wanted to be sure sure that things are on the right track. Fast forward now to the night before NYE. Stupidly, I know I sound crazy at this point but I promise I am not this woman and I hate myself for it, after a few drinks I decided to go through his phone. For ages I couldn’t find anything and it settled my mind completely, this man really has been honest with me. Until I came across a random number on his FaceTime list from October. I woke him up to ask, although I already knew who this was. Again, all in panic he pretended he was confused and that he didn’t know who it was. Played stupid basically. I knew there and then none of it added up, he had told me he cut contact with these people in August. He told me they never exchanged numbers. He told me they didn’t even live in the country ad that they’ve never met up. Well to my lack of surprise the past few days I have discovered that they were indeed in contact until October, they live practically 5 minutes away from me, me and the girl share mutual friends, and they were actively dating throughout the summer.

I am broken. And this is why tonight is the night I said enough.

I realise my whole story sounds crazy. I realise he sounds like the biggest asshole on the planet but I swear, the man I fell in love with was not that. Something about the situation we faced in june lost him. Don’t get me wrong, it lost me too and I am actually going through therapy dealing with post traumatic stress disorder. But him, I don’t know who he is anymore. The honest, loving, caring man that he was no longer exists. He is a compulsive liar. Whether out of panic or fear of losing me he is a compulsive liar.

I am in a state of shock right now as I write all of this and to my surprise I can’t even cry right now although I know it will hit me like a ton of bricks shortly. I am in disbelief that the kind hearted man, my blessing in human form, my everything could have done any of this.

I love him with everything that I have. I wanted more than anything for this to work. I still can’t imagine him not in my life. I still don’t quite know how I will cross the bridge of moving on. Of accepting that there is no more us. I don’t know anything at this point.

I am blank. Empty.

I just need some words of wisdom, encouragement, anything right now as I am not coping.