Just broke up with my gf of 2 years 2 days ago. At first it was great we had really good chemistry even tho our conversations wasn’t in a very good flow but we were very attracted to each other. As the relationship progresses ad as we get to know each other deeper. We connected in some sort of spiritual way, something that I have never felt before from my past relationship. She is a great, caring and amazing girl who truly loves me and loyal to me. Loyalty is an extremely important value to me as I was cheated before in my past relationship. She’s just everything that I hoped but there just seem to be something that is missing between us. I think the biggest problem is our conversations, they do not really flow or maybe I was just overthinking about it. Sometimes I forced myself to start the conversation, it’s so tiring and it doesn’t feels natural. But physically we connected well even tho our sexual appetite is different which was an issue in the early stages but we managed to work it out.

We broke up quite a few times, the first was a mutual thing because she was insecure as I was still studying while she is alrd working and we’re the same age and I felt helpless as I tried my hardest to assure her with only words. We got back together the day after immediately afterwards as we still love each other and it was silly for us to just give up just like that. Things were great after that period as we became more stable. But deep down there was this inner voice telling me that something is missing. I chose to ignore it and tell myself that she’s a great girl and we just need more time to let the connection develop. Always trying to think positive about it because I love this girl and relationships takes work and a lot of effort. After a year plus, sometimes I feel excited and happy to be with her. Sometimes I feel bored and just annoyed with her. Our conversations doesn’t flow, it doesn’t feel natural and I just can’t connect with her emotionally like there’s something blocking me from truly connecting with her. We talked a lot about it and i always ended up hurting her as it is always my problem with her but she felt that everything was good on her side. It was always my problem and I felt so guilty and sad for hurting someon who cares for me and genuinely loves me.

I hated myself and forced myself to be more appreciative of her as she’s truly a gem and I told myself that I finally found someone amazing. I got very upset and I felt so confused. I know I love her, but it’s just that something doesn’t feel right. I even imagined the future when we’re about to get married, I couldn’t help to think if I am gonna regret marrying the wrong person in the end. I hated myself even more for doubting our relationship when she loves me and never have a single doubt in us. She was hurting always trying her best to satisfy my needs but I just can’t seem to be satisfied. Something was really wrong with myself and so I thought and keep shutting down my inner voice for a long time until the day when we argued about this again and she asked me to make a decision now to stay or leave. At that exact moment I was trembling and I didn’t know what to do. Half of my thought says “it’s time to let go! This is it!” and half of it says “don’t!”. I chose the safe side of course to stay with her. After that day I felt that there’s this rock in my heart and this agonizing little pain that stays in my heart. And my inner voice grew stronger as the days goes telling my I made the wrong decision and my logical mind telling me I should appreciate such loving gf. Every day was a battle between two minds and this rock in my heart just never seem to go away.

Until the day where I just couldn’t stand it anymore, I just had to tell her how I really felt because I was in so much pain! Sometimes I couldn’t breathe and felt like I was dying. Like my body is trying to tell me something but I chose to ignore it. It was just so hard to tell her but I had to because it’s not doing anymore good for both of us. I told her everything and told her  and finally have the guts to tell her that it’s time to let go. It was so painful to see her cry and hurting so badly.

After the break up, I felt an immense sense of relief. I know I did the right thing as the rock in my heart was lifted. But I am just sad as I am not able to love someone fully who loves me so dearly. I know the break up is still fresh but sometimes I wonder if I really made the right decision. I love her and miss her but I can’t be happy with her. I wish her all the best and hope that she finds someone who can appreciate her.

My question is am I emotionally normal? I don’t know if I have a psychological problem or not that was blocking my mind from fully connecting with her. Does anyone have similar stories like this?