How are you, greenshade?

anita

Dear greenshade:

Inspired by teaK’s empathetic, insightful, high-quality post in every way, I re-read your first thread of June 21, 2016 all the way to the most recent, January 11, 2021, a span of over 4.5 years. You were 26 in June of 2016, living with your parents. You are now 30 or 31, living with your mother,  and if your father has been released from the Covid/ psych facility in the recent two months, then you are currently living with both your parents.

In your most recent post, you wrote: “I don’t know how to escape my life, or to fix things so that they are okay. In my culture, you are the worst of the worst if you neglect your elderly parents and right now I feel like I am the worst of the worst”-

– instead of worrying about neglecting your parents, think for a moment about your greatest accomplishment so far: you survived your parents.

I have read many stories here over the years about wrongs committed by parents against their children. Your story is one of the worst: your parents, particularly your father, is indeed one of the worst of the worst parents I have ever come across.

You survived your father so far, congratulate yourself for surviving him and think about how can you survive him further, and perhaps make your life about more than surviving your father.

People told you that he can’t help himself, that his bi-polar condition made him someone he is not (“I was also taught to believe how he was acting wasn’t fault because he was sick and not in control of his behavior.. how he was acting wasn’t who he was”)-

– I read your accounts of him and I disagree: (1) you did not describe a man who behaves in two different ways, one who is dishonest and abusive (when manic) and the other, honest and kind (when not manic). Your descriptions of his behaviors have been consistently dishonest and abusive. Even when he apologized to you one time for treating you badly, it was not a sincere apology: he pretended to cry, having his hands cover his face, peeking through his hands smirking, enjoying the success of his pretense.

(2) he has been in control of his behavior no less than many people, for example, * he mixed tobacco in your mother’s food, without her knowledge, so to make her sick… but he didn’t mix anything so to kill her because he wanted her sick, but he also wanted her alive, * he yelled at you and at your mother for hours, not allowing you to get up or move because he wanted the two of you terrified of him, but he did not hit you, causing physical injuries: he wanted you terrified, but not visibly injured, * he made you feel guilty for being away from home, expressing how much he misses you and needs you at home, but he didn’t stop you from getting an education abroad, or a job, because he needed you to be able to make money, to produce a better income with a better job.

In October 2016, you started applying to Master’s programs abroad. In October 2018, you posted that you recently moved abroad. In June 2019, you posted that you were back home, living with your parents after ten months abroad. You shared that while away from your parents’ home and country, you had a relationship with a man you trusted, a relationship where you “felt healthy and happy, and loved”.

I believe that was your first experience of this kind.

You and your then boyfriend intended to “try to make things work, in spite of the distance”, but back home, you started doubting the relationship a lot, You wrote: “I have fallen into the old role of my life revolving around my mum and my primary focus had shifted (from) building a happy, healthy life for myself.. to taking care of my parents and wanting to see my mom happy… My mum feels like my life.. going back to my life with my boyfriend.. feels far off and not real… I am definitely feeling like I had moved backward since coming home”.

In September 2019, you shared about feeling rage and exhaustion living with your parents, and considered moving out of your parents’ home, but you were too exhausted to do so, “Don’t have energy-> can’t work-> no salary-> can’t move out”.

In January 2021 you were living with your mother, working two jobs while your father was in a care facility following his manic episodes and getting infected with Covid.

“I don’t know how to escape my life, or to fix things so that they are okay”- move away from your parents, leave them both. It will not be easy for you, just as it wasn’t easy when you lived abroad for 10 months, but it will be a whole lot better for you than living with your parents. Away from them both, you have a chance to escape misery and experience a better life.

anita