Hi Mina,

I’ve been in a similar situation, so I totally get it. Him making his confession NOW actually minimizes your whole past relationship. A friend liking you that you felt no initial spark for is actually a BURDEN. Not only are we trying to heal our emotional state, but now we feel we have to somehow protect their feelings because we know we’re going to reject them?? No thanks!

Ask him why he’s making his confession NOW. Why NOW? Does it have to be… NOW?

How dare he. No, little buddy, you don’t just get to pick a girlfriend like it’s musical chairs. No, little buddy, my feelings are more important right now. No, little buddy, and it wouldn’t be you. The heart doesn’t work that way.

I advise you saying, “This is a joke, right?” and laughing it off. Then take a friendship break in that you’re on vacation, busy, not available for a while.

Best,

Inky

Mina,

Inky has some very clear and solid points sleazy to understand. I hope that Inky’s words give you strength.

The friend reminds me of the villain hiding in the shadows waiting to find it’s victim vulnerable, and one of the consequences of breaking up is feeling vulnerable. You have said what you need, support. He may be trying to present himself in such a way that makes him look like the knight rescuing the damsel in distress. He knows you need support and to him this is his answer. His effort sound a little imposing, not to mention disrespectful. You said, “I appreciate him as a friend and I do not want to lose this friendship…”. Herein lies a test for him. If you haven’t done so already, tell him that you appreciate his “support” but you are going to define and maintain the space that you need. I wouldn’t say something like ‘I need my space’ or ‘I want my space.’ NEVER EVER ask for that permission. But in so many words tell him your space needed to think things over is private. Tell him thank you for being there for you and if you need his advice you will call on him. If he insists on pushing for the relationship that he wants and you don’t need, then his “friendship” takes on a whole new meaning. If, on the other hand, he respects what you are going to have, them his friendship will have greater meaning.

Wishing you love, peace, and happiness.

Pearce

Dear Mina:

You are welcome. I do hope you feel better soon.

You referred to this friend as “best friend” – at least he was, in your mind. So you know him, over time and you know all the circumstances of this latest occurrence. You know what he said, to whom, how he said it and so forth. I don’t have those details. If you clearly expressed to him how heartbroken you are over this breakup, that it is still fresh, that you are processing it, and he expressed his feelings for you to you (or was it to a third person who happened to tell you about it?) then indeed he chose this bad timing and should have known better.

This is time for you to process this breakup, to come to some peace of mind, some emotional stability, following the turmoil. During this turmoil, you do need stability in other areas of your life, one of which is that a friend should stay a friend. It is not time to cause further shaking in your life by redefining other relationships.

anita

Mina

It seems to me that his gestures as you describe are predatory at best. You are absolutely correct when you said, “a lot of men seek out women when they are vulnerable.” Being like that is very weak, very shallow. I believe that when a guy tries to smother a woman thinking he is helping her through her breakup his efforts have quite the opposite effect of what his expectations are, in this case, his fantasy. I think a good approach is to say to him that you prefer to work through this by yourself (which may or may not be true) and that his gestures are not compatible to how you are handling it, or, his way of helping is not helping. Something like that. If I was a guy who did that, one thing for sure that would make me step back some, would be the girl saying, in a strong, decisive voice, ” I am handling this well so there is no need to think that how I am handling it won’t work. What I am doing, works.”

Pearce