Hi Julia9278-

All of the answers to your questions are contained in your own letter which tells me you very much have this person in perspective despite still being in a tailspin about him and what he did – which is only natural.

One thing that narcissistic or abusive people do is keep us busy anticipating their needs, their ups and downs, often invalidating our own feelings. This gets us off our own centers and if we are naturally empathetic and insightful, we start to compensate for them, – understanding sometimes better than they do what sets them off and forgetting ourselves in the process. So we end up helping them through the ‘very tough’ process of abusing us and apologizing for our own feelings.

He can do all this in the blink of an eye because it’s his pathology. Hard to believe but it has less to do with you than with his own patterns which were well established before you came into the picture. Guaranteed that he did these same things before you came in to his life and will do so to others after.

This is incomprehensible to you because you are processing the actions of an abnormal psychology (maybe even borderline personality) with your normal psychology. Imagine yourself sitting in a café or bar twenty years from now talking to his next ex. Do you have any doubt you two would be bonding about him having done the exact same thing to her as he did to you?

You have every right to feel angry, and it is healthy and justified that you do. Being angry is part of the process of moving on. So be with that and don’t feel obliged to feel politically/emotionally correct or super evolved about it.

I know you love/d this person, but unfortunately the actions you describe are not going to change. This is not someone who has any interest in confronting his own problems, and keeps busy playing out his on inner problems on those he draws close to him.

Underneath the narcissistic need for approval is a deep self loathing, and a deep seated belief that no one can truly love him. Deep down he does not value himself, which is why he needs constant approval, so how can he value you?

He pre-emptively rejects the person who loves him, leaving a wake of hurt and destruction and question marks behind him. The relationships he can handle, however, are the friendships, and in these he feels safe since no one gets as close. He’s the greatest most charming guy in the world to those people to reassure himself that he’s ok. The other stuff mostly happens in close relationships, not the friendships, so the friends don’t get to see that side of him.

If you drew a diagram, it might look something like this: Feeling insecure, need approval use charm to get love. Got love, still feel hollow- (thinking it must be the love object’s fault). Devalue and reject this person, seek new approval and new love. Seems to me like this would be a circular diagram.

I get the strong impression that while your feelings might pull you back in, in your heart of hearts you know you are well out of it.

One thing that might help is doing some mindfulness/meditation on all of this, letting it run its course swirling around your head until it eventually becomes more quiet, and finding your center in the meantime. That seems to be the direction you’re going in..

Hi julia9278,

God, I hate those people ~ they get to be utter narcissists, block you… and then proceed to hang out with your friends.

Listen, avoiding him and large social gatherings is good for now. BUT you WILL one day inadvertently run into him.

It might as well be on purpose. Don’t seek him out, merely live your life. When you know he’ll show up:

1. Before he shows up at A Gathering, say to your friends there, “Please help me deal with my crazy ex-bf”. (see what I did there?)

2. When he shows up, yell cheerfully “THERE’S the cheat! Hey, I thought I told you we are NOT getting back together!” and/or “Why are you here?” and/or “Stop following me!” He will stammer, explode or get uncomfortable. Stay silent, cross your arms, make eye contact with someone, and shake your head sadly while looking back at him and remain silent. It will get awkward. LET IT BE AWKWARD. He is counting on you not letting it be awkward. Let him linger in the awkward.

3. Tell your friends that you don’t want to hear about him or what he said about you. This will further let everyone know that you are not the crazy ex-gf and that maybe, just maybe, he’s the one with the problem.

Your friends will quickly learn not to invite him and he will quickly learn to stay out of your realm.

Good Luck!

Inky

• This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Inky.

Dear Julia:

When someone suggested to your ex boyfriend that what he was doing was wrong, and the ex bf agreed, saying “I know”- that didn’t mean it bothered him to be wrong. He may have very well meant that he knows it is considered wrong by society, by others. But not by him.

It can be that what he considers wrong is for him to experience any kind of distress, and he will do anything not to. Looking into his childhood, into his anxiety, challenging his core beliefs, those things are distressing, uncomfortable, so he won’t do any of that stuff.

I think that your hope that one day he will change, look inside him, see the damage he causes others, is what keeps you emotionally invested in him. Did you experience this before, with another person in your life, a parent, maybe- hoping that person will see how he or she damaged you and care enough to change?

anita