Dear greenshade/M:

Concrete examples for setting boundaries:

1. You are in your room at home or in your office at work, the door is closed but not locked. A person enters your room/ office and startles you. You say: “You startled me! Next time, do not enter my room/ office when the door is closed. Instead, knock on the door and wait for me to invite you in. Only after I invite you in, then open the door and come in. Can you do that?”

2. The day after, the same person enters your room/ office without knocking. You say: “Do you remember yesterday, I told you to not enter my room/ office when the door is closed?”- wait for an answer. If the person says: “Oh, I am sorry, I forgot.” Say: “Then I will remind you: when my door is closed, knock and wait for me to invite you in. Do not enter until I invite you in. Please remember that.”

3. The person remembers, but a week later, enters your room/ office again, without knocking. In response: you arrange for a lock and every time you close the door, you also lock it from the inside.

anita

Hi greenshade,

I would just keep my head down and continue working. (With five minutes of obligatory small talk, of course). Eventually people will follow your lead and do their work as well.

Oh, my boundary story…

So an old friend wanted to store her stuff at our place. (She was “marking her territory” in other ways, so keeping her physical stuff for years on end was out.)

Anyway, I politely said, “We are actually going to renovate and are getting rid of a lot of stuff, so you should rent a storage locker or ship it home.”

She says, “I’ll ask your DH if that’s OK.”

I replied, “I’m telling you no now so my DH doesn’t have to.”

The day she was to leave she starts yelling about how much extra $$ bringing her stuff back would be at the airport.

I replied, “It’ll cost more, that’s OK.” I held my ground. I was a calm broken record.

After she leaves, we find a giant pile of her stuff in the guest bedroom.

Then I had my DH ship them back to her. (I didn’t. He did. To prove a point that we’re a team.)

She was pissed and incensed that we said “No” and then enforced the boundary by shipping her stuff back.

And that’s my boundary story.

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Inky.

Every human being must have boundaries in order to have successful relationships or a successful performance in life.

When we begin to set boundaries with people we love, a really hard thing happens: they hurt. They may feel a hole where you used to plug up their aloneness, their disorganization, or their financial irresponsibility. Whatever it is, they will feel a loss. If you love them, this will be difficult for you to watch. But, when you are dealing with someone who is hurting, remember that your boundaries are both necessary for you and helpful for them. If you have been enabling them to be irresponsible, your limit setting may nudge them toward responsibility.
Henry Cloud

I found the following book helpful
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances — Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions — Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others — Spiritual boundaries help us to distinguish God’s will from our own and give us renewed awe for our Creator — Often, Christians focus so much on being loving and unselfish that they forget their own limits and limitations. When confronted with their lack of boundaries, they ask: – Can I set limits and still be a loving person? – What are legitimate boundaries? – What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? – How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money? – Aren’t boundaries selfish? – Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries? Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend offer biblically-based answers to these and other tough questions, showing us how to set healthy boundaries with our parents, spouses, children, friends, co-workers, and even ourselves

Dear greenshade,

Here are the first basics to know about boundary:

You have a boundary. (Your Self has a boundary.)

The root of suffering is an impaired boundary. If you are suffering (especially on an endless, depthless basis), you have an impaired boundary.

An impaired boundary means impaired safety and protection. An impaired boundary means impaired intimacy.

The two main functions of a healthy, Intact Boundary is 1) your boundary protects you; and 2) your boundary facilitates intimacy with other beings.

When you repair your boundary, you restore your safety. When you restore your safety, you will live in the state of Trust, which is THE state of wholeness and healing.

Also–if boundary is about protecting yourself, then it’s important to value yourself. Otherwise you won’t believe that there is anything worth protecting. A person who has chosen to know that they are precious will handle their boundary much differently than one who is choosing to discard or undervalue themselves. You get to be a safe, acknowledged, strong, healthy, fully realized, sacred, Here Self. You get to be you. And an intact boundary will ensure that.

Going forward from these basic ideas would be step by step work. But like someone already mentioned, one way to think of boundary is to know where your ‘yes’es and your ‘no’s go in healthy life. A lot of people have them mixed up–saying no, when they should say yes; saying yes, when they should say no.

I wish you the best. Research on boundary. It could be one of the most important things you do.

Respect
~Jennifer