This is my first post on Tiny Buddha, so I hope I don’t make a fool of myself.

For the past month, I had been exercising every morning in an attempt to become fitter, gain muscle and also to become better at football (or soccer if you’re in the US). But I stopped a few days ago because I felt tired and frustrated. I thought to myself, “What’s the point if I’m going to stay skinny fat anyway?” I have thin limbs and a pot belly, thanks to genetics.

I shared my frustrations with my mum, and she told me that I’ve been restricting my diet too much for years, and that I have to eat more in order to gain weight and muscle. This made sense to me but after recalling a memory from my high school days, it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I went to the toilet and cried my eyes out. The memory that I had recalled was a “friend” of mine, who had said that I was fat, probably as a joke, but I took it to heart. I hated my chubby self and progressively ate smaller portions over the years in order to become thinner. I started to eat more healthily, restricting all junk food from my diet. This was great but there would be days where I would hanker for junk food and go all out, as I did on that day when I was crying. I ate at least 10 pieces of chocolate that day.

What’s funny is now I don’t want to be thin anymore. I hate how disproportionate my body looks and how people (mainly relatives) always remark on how skinny I am – “Wow, you’re so skinny. Don’t you eat anything?”. I had half a mind to tell them to look at their own figures before commenting on mine. Maybe this is why I was crying – I’ve been going through this rollercoaster and completely changing my appearance because of some people’s opinions. I was also crying because before that high school memory, I didn’t care what other people thought of my figure and I was content even though I was chubby. I wish I had that childhood mindset again.

Now I’ve been eating more based on what I feel like, whether it’s healthy or unhealthy, and not caring. This is great, but there’s still that self-doubt that I’m going to become fat again. I’ve also been refraining from exercise because I don’t want to exhaust myself again and see no benefit anyway. But I also don’t want to have a pot belly. What’s worse is that I always hear, whether it’s from the media or from my mum, how everyone else is eating right, staying healthy and keeping fit during the coronavirus pandemic. I’m sick of comparing myself to everyone else! This ordeal has dampened my mood and the moods of those around me, and I can’t seem to get out of this rut.

I haven’t really asked a question so I’m not expecting any answers. I just wanted to vent my frustrations. If you’ve got this far, thanks for reading this long-winded post.