Hi everyone,

I haven’t been here in a while and I find when I return this is a great place for advice and to seek perspectives from others. Where to begin?

I’m visiting my home town for about 2 weeks and I leave just in a day and half. One of my closest friends and I are in a mishap and its really painful to go through because I love her endlessly despite our problems. There is know proper way to say anything but I just hope others can read what I have to say with an open mind. I’m having a really hard time expressing myself of this situation or to even be able to talk to any of my other close friends about it because I just feel so conflicted and would like an outsiders view.

So there is this guy that her and I had a relationship with but not serious in the past. We had both been intimate with him but we both moved on and didn’t really have an issues about it then. We realized that are friendship isn’t worth being upset over it. It has been about 2-3 years or more since this occurrence. Despite her and I having both feelings for this guy I carried a friendship with him on and never really thought more of it. And from what I knew I believe she felt the same way because she did state she didn’t really care about any of it. Multiple times.

So on this vacation we both ended up all hanging in a group with this guy because we are all friends and what not. The guy had been giving me a lot of attention and I felt we both had a mutual attraction. I don’t think poorly of this person and I feel we have a great connection although I don’t even see it being long term because I am only here vising on vacation and didnt take it to seriously. So we ended up hanging alone and some intimate things went on  and had expressed feelings for me. Whether I know how genuine he is or not from what he is saying. I thought to myself I really like this connection I’m feeling and I wanted to share that more in depth with him for the time being. So I told my good friend about the situation because I feel honesty is extremely important in a friendship. I would never want to hurt her and truly did not think I did. Because when I told her she didn’t really have much to say and said she didn’t care. So then we all ended up hanging again and out of respect I avoided any touching or affection in front of her. But we all went out partying that night and I could tell it was affecting her and she was upset with me. I tried to talk to her but its so so hard to talk to her sometimes because I feel like it doesn’t even matter what I’m saying and I feel this way often regardless of this situation we are in. That night she also was affectionate with his friend so I felt that my situation I was in with this guy didn’t matter. But now she is so mad at me and thinks im a horrible friend and im selfish and dont care about her. But i strongly feel thats far from the truth yet I feel so much guilt and sadness because I love her deeply. I tried to explain that I do care for her and my intention is never to come off the way she is perceiving it but obviously she doesnt want to listen so I am giving her space. Now I try to ask myself is this relationship with this other person worth it? I try to put her thoughts into perspective and I understand to an extent but I just like feel that the connection I was feeling with the guy was real and felt right in that present moment.

Now its super hard for me to decipher my feelings right now without coming of selfish or uncaring because that would never ever be my intention. I truly care for my friend and I feel she lacks to see that with or without this situation happening.

I hope that makes sense and I expressed that clearly. I feel so bad 🙁 and confused. I guess I just really craved an intimate connection because I feel i have been lacking that in my life & when the opportunity presented itself it felt like the right thing to do in that moment.

Thank you for listening, Kylee.