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Best friend gone, now what?

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  • January 1, 2018 at 12:21 pm #184585
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Rick,

    I wouldn’t hold out too much hope for any kind of future with her as far as a relationship. In your post, it looks like time and time she has distanced herself. The last time she did, she put the blame on you, which I am sure she made plenty of mistakes herself. Yet, she made you look like you made all the mistakes and made you feel guilty, without really telling you the real reason what was going on and why she was distancing herself all the time. If you were to keep things going with her, she would continue the same behavior, such as being aloof, cold, exhausted, distancing, blaming, making you feel more and more confused.

    She sounds like she is emotionally high maintenance, not knowing what she wants, but assigning the blame on you, and not talking things out with you When something is bothering her. I know you really like her, but in the long run, I don’t see this working out in any kind of relationship. You would end up always feeling confused and frustrated and this is not what you want. Best to let your feelings settle, maybe no contact for awhile, and then one day, you can become friends again. Maybe others will post with different viewpoints, but it does not sound promising. Please feel free to post with your thoughts or comments. I don’t think she is ready for any kind of relationship. But that is just my opinion and feel you deserve better. Wishing you a very Happy New Year.

     

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Eliana.
    January 1, 2018 at 2:11 pm #184595
    Rick
    Participant

    Hi Eliana,

    Thanks for taking the time and answering my post. She did say to me on multiple occasions (a long time ago) that she did not know what she wanted and that she was not ready for a relationship (neither of us had dated with anyone else before). She is very career-oriented and I have always tried my best to respect her decision and be there for her as a friend. She was really serious about our friendship, I think. I know I shouldn’t keep my hopes up, but I always have this nagging feeling that she will come back to me when everything on her side is settled–that our breakup was just temporary. I know that she has recently been under a tremendous amount of stress (probably from work), and the way she chose to handle it was to isolate herself and take the easy way out (i.e. pushing me out of her life), which I do not like. I really want to help her and it really hurts me to see her like that.

    When we broke up two weeks ago, she said that I disrespected her feelings and she didn’t care about what I told her anymore and it was too late for me to make up. I do take responsibility for my immaturity and insensitivity and for some of the stupid things that I’d said which might have hurt her feelings unintentionally. I know that our past “relationship” was messy and probably beyond repair so I knew it was the right decision to break it off, though it really hurt a lot. I do believe that time would heal most wounds. How long should I stay NC? When should I approach her again to see if she is ready to start a new friendship?

    Thanks again and happy new year. I also welcome other people’s comments. Thanks!

    January 1, 2018 at 3:10 pm #184601
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Rick,

    I would give it a couple of weeks, maybe see if she will contact you. If not, maybe text or e-mail something light and casual, keep it friendly..like a clean start. Nothing heavy..about the past..mistakes..etc. See what happens. There may still be hope at regaining the friendship. I hope others will post as well. Let us know your thoughts and if you hear from her.

    January 2, 2018 at 4:23 am #184657
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Rick,

    I would go No Initiating Contact for a year. Now, she may (probably) contact you before then, sometime this year. That’s fine. Answer her. Talk to her. But don’t you initiate contact yourself.

    Then, maybe by next year, she will see that she can’t jerk you around like that. Then you can be friends. But a relationship? Not anytime soon.

    Best,

    Inky

    January 2, 2018 at 5:42 am #184673
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rick:

    What I would do, at this point, if I was you, would be to evaluate the mistakes part of this friendship/ relationship. You expressed taking responsibility for your mistakes in the relationship, suggesting you made mistakes that caused her to end the relationship (you also mentioned increased stress of her work to be part reason).

    But from reading your sharing, I don’t know if indeed you made significant mistakes or if the problem is that she is blaming you for what you are not guilty of. For example, you might say to her: you look so pretty today! What she may hear is: you looked unattractive yesterday!

    In this example, you meant to tell her something that will please her, but she heard something that displeased her. You didn’t make a mistake, she did. She didn’t interpret your statement correctly.

    If you would like, you can share examples here, factual, concrete examples: what you said-what she said, and I will give you my evaluation of those.

    anita

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