Hey there,

I used to be like you, reading up on dating advice from so called gurus, watching how I behave, what I say and doing everything in my power to get someone to like me. The thing is, even when I managed to manipulate someone into liking me, it never lasts. Even while it did it wasn’t that great because I can’t be open with that person and there is always that fear that if I did the wrong thing, the whole relationship will collapse. So what I am trying to say is that going into a relationship pretending to be someone else is a fool’s game.

Have you ever wondered what is the purpose of our emotions? We get angry when we are confronted, scared when we do something risky and sad when we lost something we love. From a biological and evolutionary perspective, our emotions exist to get us to take action. So if you are depressed and cry often, perhaps your body is telling you to do something that will change your circumstances? If you are unwilling to take the steps to address these issues yourself, a relationship will only complicate matters. Most people get sick of being the saviour fairly quickly.

My suggestion is to look at the list you put together and commit to one change you can make today. Just one and when you have mastered it, try another. The most important thing is to do something, otherwise you will end up bring your own jailer.

It’s easy to think this is mutually exclusive, but it isn’t. What about being yourself whether in a relationship or not?

Inherent, INHERENT to your idea that there’s no point dating because you would have to pretend to be somebody else, otherwise they wouldn’t like you, is the belief that they need to like you.

All of your efforts are currently being funneled into avoiding rejection.

I recommend working on this and coming to realize that it doesn’t matter what anybody thinks of you – nothing they think of you changes who you are, or has anything to do with who you are for that matter. That you don’t need them to like you. That you don’t need them in order for you to be happy. That you can live without them, but you desire being with them. But if they don’t love you / respect you then that’s OK too.

As for your list – those are a list of stories you’re telling yourself about who you are. the stories aren’t who you actually are. I admire and appreciate your radical honesty here (especially your self honesty). Remember – the list isn’t who you are. The list is some stuff you’ve noticed you’ve been telling yourself stories about.

Forget about “can’t change”. Hasn’t changed yet is very different to won’t ever change.

I strongly recommend seeking a life coach, therapist or counselor to go through this stuff with you.

Here’s to your wellbeing.

• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Rock Banana.

Wow, reading this I felt like you were describing me in so much of that.

The vast majority of the thoughts you’ve had about yourself are thoughts I have had about myself. A lot of those things I never addressed on anything more than a superficial level until my last relationship ended this past October and then I really began an honest self analysis. I posted about it on here at the time and I immersed myself with all the positive things I could do – all the the things I thought I should be doing to help myself to a better place – but when I began seeing a counselor (at the suggestion of one of my professors) I really started to see how much I had been putting things aside or rationalizing behaviors that had been steadily dragging me down. In the sessions I would make comments about myself or put myself down unwittingly and he would stop me and I wouldn’t even realize what I had just said until he had me think about it. Most of the things on your list would be on my list as well. I’m an obsessive worrier, I think I’m much more of a kid than I should be at this age, and I constantly worry about what people think of me. I have always been self-deprecating and I have always gravitated towards seeing the things about myself I don’t like instead of what I do like but the thought “I don’t think who I am is someone anyone I like would want to be with” is spot on as a thought I’ve had more than a few times in these past five months. It almost made me laugh reading your description of treating relationships as board games, I can remember doing this and ultimately being exhausted by it, it’s such a waste of energy trying to hit all these right steps instead of just being comfortable with someone and confident in your true self being good enough. It really sucks having this nagging in the back of your mind when you meet someone you like that you aren’t good enough for this person unless you hide all of your flaws. One of the biggest root causes of frustration for me – that even now still bothers me as much as I hate to admit it – is what my ex and her family think of me. I know I shouldn’t care, she’s no longer in my life and we live over 2 hours away from each other so it’s not like we will run into each other, but it irks me to no end to think they would think of me in a negative way or not approve of me for just being myself (I am more of an introvert she and her family are much more extroverts). I really aspire to be the type of person who can say they don’t care what anyone else thinks about them and mean it to their core.

Anyway, I hope that finding a counselor works for you – I try to make it a habit not to give direct advice because everyone responds to things differently but to instead offer what is/has worked for me. Mindfulness mediation has helped greatly with keeping me in the moment and not obsessing over things I can’t help. I’ve always been incredibly strict about paying bills and CC payments on time and now having to put myself into debt while going back to school has been a nightmare for me but meditation has really helped me to put the worry aside – if only for 10 minutes – I can escape that fear. I also changed my diet to a focus on much more nutritionally rich foods which ended up raising my overall base mood. Along with this I started a fitness and weightlifting routine fit around my classes. I know these are pretty common suggestions and it feels cliche to be suggesting something you’ve probably been told a hundred times but for me they’ve sort of begun to benefit one another and unintended benefits of one have been increasing the effectiveness of another.

Best of luck to you