Hi Guys,

So it’s been nearly 3 more weeks. This is may be the 6th or 7th time in the last one week that I’ve tried to post here but lost the strength to go on with it every time.
On the outside, things are still okay. After the office incident and return to his narcissistic behavior for a while, he maybe understood certain things and is apologetic again. However, he has stopped reaching out to me. He doesn’t call or text. I’ve been not very proud of my conduct off-late as in the last 3 weeks, I’ve called him a few times and texted showing my exasperation at his giving up on me so soon. When I text or call, he’ll show that he wants me back and is apologetic, he’ll may be call me back once after I myself call him but then again silence. So basically he’s stopped reaching out to me on his own. When I reach out, he’ll show that he’s sorry, he’ll sound really disturbed and say that he wants me but doesn’t call/text me on his own.  I’m not able to understand his behavior. I think my failure to keep no contact is due to the fact that now i can see that he’s stopped contacting on his own and I’m literally on the brink of losing even his calls and texts. What is his behavior even implying? Anyhow, this morning, I’ve promised myself that I will not contact him at all now and I hope I can pull this through.

Coming to the internal part, I think I’m literally sinking. Everyday is a task, a challenge. It seems as if all life has been sucked out of my body. The initial crying period was better, now I’ve crossed that and gone to the numb phase. I don’t cry anymore, it’s been a week or so since I really cried. I’ve literally sat and tried crying to feel better but it’s like my heart filling up with water and becoming heavier but I can’t cry. I’ll stay awake all night. I can feel my heart beating so loudly all day. Its like something’s stuck in my throat all day. I think about him all day. Initially television, work were good distractions but now I sit with my laptop on, thinking about him. My body feels uneasy all day. I’ve lost the motivation to do anything. It’s a struggle to talk to people now. i don’t want to talk to anyone, i feel drained, i was not able to post only because i feel too drained to even write something and nothing i write seems enough to actually express what i feel everyday. i cannot even share with anyone, not because i don’t have anyone, i have family, i have supportive parents, i have friends and i was a very talkative person, i shared stuff but now I feel as if its all redundant, nothing will come of it, nobody also seems to really grasp what i’m feeling, i also no more like people saying anything to me, i’ve become very irritable. I behave with people as if everything’s alright and I’m surprised at my ability to do so, I’ve changed at lot, earlier i was so transparent that a fight with him would be imprinted all across my face and everyone could tell I’m in a bad mood but now i laugh and talk to people and they buy all of it when I know I’m crying on the inside. I feel like somebody’s pierced a dagger into me and left it inside and now I’ve to live life with that dagger inside me all my life without letting anyone know. I tried talking to a therapist but stopped going eventually as they say what I already know. everybody says the right things i know the right things but what do i do if I feel like shit still.

I’ve lost the ability to be happy with abandon, happy with every bone in my body smiling. I got promoted recently, my friends thre me a party. But i wanst happy, i wasnt happy, i kept going to the washroom and sad on the pot blank, just sat there for a while and came out and again laughed and partied with everyone. all that night i sat with my phone wanting to call him, just hoping he’ll call and i’ll have the chance to just heear his voice. I ve forgotten how to be happy, i used to be a very bubbly person, i don’t know what happiness feel slike anymore.

when I think he’ll move on and maybe already has some woman or must be checking out women now or must be with someone or must be liking someone, i feel like somebody’s killing me, i feel like running to an island. I want to run away from everything, i want to erase my memory or i just want him the way he was in the initial year. New years round the corner, his birthday is round the corner, what am i going to do, he always called me first thing on new years, 12 sharp and i used to geta  call from him whether he’s with frieds or family, he used to call me before his parents, how will i live through new years with my phone off and his birthday without wishing him, i cannot wish him like an ex, i will not wish him, I’m so sorry guys, this just seems like an emotional rant. but i really don’t know. sometimes i feel like slapping him, slapping him constanlty until all my pain gets vented out.

I cannot run away too, i can’t go to an island as i have a job that has recntly promoted me and i cant ask for a leave for a few months, its the only thing that;s going in my life, i worked really hard for it and if i sabotage this too, I’ll actually have nothing left so i cant runa way, I don’t know. I keep telling myself all that you people said, i tell myslef that i’m just stuck with him, i tell myself that he’s narcissistic, that I’m better without it, that i have to respect myself, i tell myself how he behaved with me, i tell myslef that if a man can give iup on me so soon he never loved me but i don’t know i just don’t know, nothing seems to change the gut-wrenching pain i feel.

It’s like I’m just passing through life. I keep telling myself that I’ve to do amazing at work, i have to become the best version of myself, not for him or to prove anything but for myself and in the rpocess, he may regret huyrting me when he sees me successful but I don’t know where do i get the motivation for that. I feel dead from the inside. I don’t know.  sometimes i’ll listen to some badass song and feel good for half an hour but i’ll be again in the pit then. the only time i genuinely feel happy is when i imagine that even months later he will not move on, we will meet then and he will maybe change in all these months and love me again, but the massive uncertainty of it again makes me sad. I tell myself that it’s not about him, about me, i broke up, he treated me badly, now i need to move on but i don’t know. i feel drained. Any help will be very good. Also, I’m sorry for the constant typing errors.

Hi guys,

I was trying to keep myself away from all potential sources through which I could contact him as I’d become very vulnerable with his birthday round the corner and thus, was offline for long.
This month has been torturous, it’s like my mind’s getting the logic but as time is passing and my relation seeming more distant, my emotional state deteriorating. He’s stopped calling and I can’t help but think may be he’s already moved on.
I’m trying to focus on myself and while inside I feel empty, I’ve been eating exercising working properly and life’s a little less disorganized.
I was also reading self-help books and I found one that wrote on narcissistic people. While all of you have been saying since so long, and while I kept telling myself to believe it, something compelled me to think that he wasn’t a narcissistic but reading that was a total eye-opener. He’s a cent per cent narcissist. the similarity in things mentioned there and his behavior towards me is disturbingly similar.
Anita, A4U, you guys are always so helpful, thanks so much for always taking out the time to reply to my banter. well very honestly and I have no reason to hide anything here as I’m already wanting help, I had the best childhood and still have the most supportive parents. My mother’s my life and loves me to death, so does my father. Even as a child I was really loved though I did have my share of usual arguments and scoldings but perfectly normal. my love and care needs were more than met by both my parents. However, if I have to trace this in any way to my childhood, I would say I’ve always been overly attached to my parents and even am today and have had constant fear of losing them. there’s no context or substantive reason to it for I’ve already introspected a lot as to why I’m so excessively close to them to the level of constantly worrying if they’re okay whenever I’m or they are away. Parents are parents and so they love me for it but maybe the tendency to get over-attached to the few people I’m actually attached to is not so healthy. Similarly after my parents, it was only him that really mattered to me and mattered a lot, may be that’s why I’m feeling what I’m feeling. I don’t know if it makes any sense but that’s the only childhood tendency I can trace.
Rachel, thanks for replying and the article. It is a little relief to see that I’m not alone in this and that other people also go through similar ‘taking-for-granted’ treatments and manage to come out of it. Thanks a lot for sharing your experience.

Guys, one last thing and I’m asking this at the cost of actually sounding shallow. I really loved him and placed his needs and wants always above mine. In the long-distance and difficult circumstances that we had, I did all that I possibly could.  I know my relation with him is over for good but I always end up thinking if he will ever in life, even for a fleeting second have that realization that I indeed loved him, that he was wrong in treating me the way he did and that losing me was his loss. Is it likely that he’ll ever feel it? I’m aware of how I shouldn’t think of what he’ll think and it’s about me, about loving myself and not him but I loved him for all these years and it hurts when I think that maybe he’ll never even regret treating me the way he did, never regret losing me, never realize his mistake and move on to some other woman as if I never mattered, thinking of me only as good riddance. Honestly guys, do people, do men of the kind that he is, realize any of it? Rachel, did your ex ever realize his mistakes?
 

Thanks Anita for replying.

There’s some new development and I can really do with some help decoding this.

So, its been nearly a month and I had no contact with him nor did he reach out to me (or maybe, he did sometimes, but my phone was switched off during those times.) Yesterday, I’d switched my phone on for a while and immediately I got a call from him and fortunately or unfortunately, I answered it.

I didn’t say anything, just asked him why he’d called and let him say what he had to say- he said that he loves me, always has for he wouldn’t be in a 6 year long distance relationship with maybe few meetings had he not really felt for me at an emotional level. Though he didn’t really say that he treated me badly, he did say that he knows he’s hurt me a lot in the past some time and was behaving in ways that made me feel he was avoiding and ignoring me. For a change, he agreed that there might be some truth in my belief that he repeatedly pulls me in and pushes me out of his life but then there’s a reason behind it all.
He said that while he wants me and has always wanted only me, the long distance is getting too much for him. He’s like its been 6 years, we have met maybe only 3-4 times as we were both stuck with stuff. He’s like I want to be connected with you all the time and not only through phone calls or Skype. He in a way blamed me for the long distance as he’s been able to visit me more times than I have been able to visit him and said that he wants to end this long distance now and have a relationship with me when he can be with me. He said since our distance wasn’t decreasing and talking to me about visits wasn’t materializing so out of helplessness, anger and frustration combined he used to start avoiding me. He came to see me precisely to bridge the long distance and I refused to meet him. He’s like he loves me and is still what he was earlier its just that the long distance is frustrating him with every passing year and now he cannot do long distance, he desperately wants me physically present with him and is ready to come himself to me and give me all that love that I want, which he said he feels all this while but suppresses because he cant express everything over phone calls, if I agree to meet him.

I was getting really emotional but didn’t want to lose control in front of him again and thus, told him that I’ve some urgent office work that I need to complete this week and will call him back in a few days. I thought meanwhile I’ll think and even seek advice here and be sure if what he’s saying is genuine or not. All that I’ve been able to think so far is that:

1. I do not know if he’s genuinely sorry. Sometimes I think he is, but he’s said sorry so many times and then did the same thing that I don’t really know.
2. He doesn’t really realize his mistake, doesn’t see that avoiding ignoring me as a way to show his unhappiness with long distance instead of talking out with me when i constantly called him like a lunac was heartbreaking.
3. However, what he says about long distance seems logical to me. It is true that our relationship has gone for a long period without much meeting, maybe once a year or twice, mainly on an emotional level, it is also true that many times when we’ve planned meeting, it hasn’t worked out from my side due to various work/family reasons, though I’ve tried my best every time. It is possible that he must be frustrated with the long distance.

What do you think, Anita? Does what he say seem logical or am I again getting emotionally blinded? Also, in case it does, should I agree to meet him if he takes the initiative to come here again?

– Regarding Childhood scoldings, it was mainly on lines of getting scolded for keeping my room as a mess, or not studying on time, or arguing with my mother when I should have maybe just listened. Just those. And my parents reconciled really quick. Sometimes when they used to be too harsh, they used to get me chocolates later on.