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Being Nice yet firm

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • #59862
    heidi
    Participant

    Hello there again ,
    Whoever is reading this thank you very much for taking your time to help me out,
    I have issues when dealing with people , I tend to not like conflict and feel intimidated a lot, so at times I get protective, and sometimes it is too protective to the point where I get mean I have no balance in the middle I am either mean or nice and it makes me sick and I feel as if I dont know who I am .
    I dont know how to be nice to people yet set boundaries and get respect, I feel like if you are nice people walk all over you but if you are mean no body likes you. I have no idea how to be nice and still gain the respect of others. Please can someone guide me through how you can do that? and still be yourself and gain respect? I like to be nice but for some reason people in my country take being nice for granted, so you have to be nice and firm at the same time, or just cold maybe?
    Sorry for blabbing on so much 🙂 but please let me know whenever you have the time

    #59942
    heidi
    Participant

    hello?

    #59966
    LaReason
    Participant

    i wish i could help you out but i struggle with the same thing myself!

    #59969
    Paula Jones
    Participant

    Boundaries are essential to healthy relationships, particularly your relationship with yourself.
    Some people, typically, will fail to respect your boundaries; this is when it’s worth working out if you want those people in your life.

    To set boundaries, you need to know what areas of your life you want to work on. Where do you feel you’re missing them? Is it work/friends/family? If so, what is it specifically you need to change? Once you have worked that out, then you can set your boundaries. Be specific in what you want, what you’re prepared to give in return. Negotiate your terms.

    For example, I work as a coach, and I set my boundaries for contact as soon as I begin working with someone. Without boundaries, the lines become blurred, and I never have any free time 🙂

    With your friends, it’s ok to ask for what you want. It’s all about respect and working with each other. We go out of our way for people; if they begin to expect it, it will be weird for them when you start to rein it in a bit, but just be open and honest. You are perfectly within your rights to say, “you know what? I don’t want to go out tonight.” Or whatever it is….

    Don’t keep people in the dark about what you’re doing and why. Be open about it, ask for feedback.

    It gets easier. 🙂

    #59972
    Matt
    Participant

    Heidi,

    Consider that being nice springs from within, such as wanting to bring a light to someone’s day. If it feels obligatory, sacrifice, its not being nice, its being afraid, and pretending to be nice to avoid conflict.

    This might seem backwards, but instead of worrying about boundaries, being nice, being trampled, being respected… consider becoming more self nurturing. Give yourself that kindness, let your light grow inside, so when you do dance with others, it comes from the place you want to be in. Then, if they like what you do? If they don’t like what you do? That’s up to them, it has nothing to do with you.

    Said differently, why do you care what people think of you? You can’t control that, and its a wasted effort to try to please people. If you want to say yes, say yes. If you want to say no, say no. That’s actually a song you might enjoy “cat stevens sing out” on YouTube if interested.

    Finally, its fine to bump your thread if you’re feeling unnoticed. Be patient, though, it takes time to be heard and answered. 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #60084
    heidi
    Participant

    Thank you everyone so much for your time and advice it means a lot to me to know that there are people like you out therE:)
    Paula and Matt I will definitely take it into consideration every word you both said:)

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