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being less defensive

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  • October 3, 2016 at 7:06 pm #117113
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Learning:

    This is my suggestion: let your in-laws deal directly with your patents, don’t mediate between them. If your mother in-law wants to meet your mother, let her contact your mother herself, not through you. It is not your job to orchestrate such get-togethers (no wonder you are exhausted!).

    You can make your life easier by… keeping it simple. Be responsible for your (first party) communications with any one individual (second party), not for the communications between a third party (ex. your in-laws) and another third party (your parents).

    And about your mother in-law thinking you are not good enough for her son: sounds to me she was and is not good enough (mother) for her son. If she was good enough for him, he wouldn’t have been the abusive to you when you first got together. So is her opinion of any value, really?

    anita

    October 3, 2016 at 10:49 pm #117126
    Learning
    Participant

    Dear anita,
    Thank you for your feedback, I always appreciate your words of wisdom. I guess I’m still working on being my authentic self and I fight this a lot when I have to voice my opinion with my mother in law because I feel and she tells me she’s older and wiser so she knows more. But then I feel like we are different people and I’m not always going to see things her way and this is where we clash because she feels like I should respect and listen to what she has to say because she’s has more experience. I tell her I’m learning everyday and I’ll continue to learn for the rest of my life it makes me who i am I firmly believe this. Thanks again anita for giving me a different perspective. I’m always comfortable coming to tiny buddha when I’m in need of some insight and therapy for my soul.

    October 4, 2016 at 5:01 am #117140
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Learning,

    I want to second Anita’s suggestion that your MIL should call your mother directly. From what I read food (unasked for) was prepared, and you swung by the house (unannounced). I mean me and my DH hate when people stop by. I could be in the bathroom, meditating, sleeping, etc. It’s always best to call first. Your MIL for being older and wiser/”wiser” should have known that doing this was setting her up for failure.

    The other thing is I wouldn’t ask her any more loaded questions. Or any questions. Think “Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Covergirl” if you remember that commercial. Be nice, happy, and surface-y around her. Not fake surface-y. You know what I mean LOL.

    Oh dear. Well, good luck going forward. I hope you get your own place soon!

    Best,

    Inky

    October 7, 2016 at 10:10 am #117428
    Learning
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    Thanks again for another response, I really love what you said “It is not the TIME that gives us wisdom, it is the LEARNING that we do throughout time”. Waw I have never looked at it that way, it makes so much sense. If we do not learn from our mistakes then we will keep repeating the same ones and in the end learn nothing. What a beautiful way to put it into persepective for me. I think that has to be one of my favorite quotes yet. Thanks for sharing.

    October 7, 2016 at 10:15 am #117429
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Learning:

    I appreciate your comment (here and in the update) and thank you for expressing it. (Makes me feel good).

    Post anytime.

    anita

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