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At crossroads of emotions

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Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
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  • May 29, 2014 at 1:22 am #57615
    Roohi
    Participant

    Stumbled upon this wonderful website in search of some peace. I am hurt and trying to deal with the situation. Here’s my story:

    I am a 33 yr old Leo woman. I have been through multiple heartwrenching breakups in life (thats why they are there right?), each time losing a bit of ‘ME’, but having strength and faith to face the world again, to be positive, like a sunflower look at the direction on the sun. I had one very unsuccessful stint at marriage 6 years back which ended in less than a month…it was full of physical abuses, emotional torture and days and nights of crying. As much as I had been shattered, I had a principle that I will not stand abuse of any kind and I had the courage to face it and move out. Move out in all ways- move out of the relationship, move out of the city with another job..yes i wanted to run away and escape , i didnt find any other way then, facing the questions, parents and the society. It took me years to build my sanity and balance back, but I was determined not to let myself get into this situation again. For years I would be a recluse, coiling up at the first oppurtunity of someone showing interest, of being in a social space..i got into my shell. Honestly i was happy with the situation…i had my work which i was enjoying tremendously (blessings)..it took my time, i had couple of very good friends, i hanged out with them when the loneliness used to drive me insane and ofcourse pursue my passion of discovering new places through small trips etc. I am managing well. Then 3 years back I found someone in a social website.No it wasnt a stranger, it was someone I knew before, someone I had met in an institute where he was the lecturer and i had a huge crush on him, He had in a short time after that had moved out of the country to settle abroad. He had left an impression on me as a very nice, positive person. There was an aura of charm, goodness around him thats so hard to miss and not touch the heart. He had been in my heart ever since, there wasnt a day that I hadnt thought of him.So connecting with him after so many years was a beautiful feeling. I felt so comfortable and at peace in his company even if it meant that we were thousands of miles away. Chats changed to calls, short calls to longgg calls, 1 meeting to secure the future ahead and i felt like i was the luckiest woman in the world–afterall he was the man of my dreams…all my resolve broke and i committed. The only thing was i was very shy and he was also not very open and I empathised with this because i knew how difficukt it was to share. But as we got close I told him everything about my past, everything. at his part he just mentioned that he has been separated from his wife–it was mutual. i didnt get any details anythng else beyond that.I didnt pursue further, i thought he will tell me if there were anything else. We got married early this year and I moved with him in this country leaving everythng that was mine last month. Over the last few weeks I have discovered skeletons in his closet. I even told him about sharing things with me, as we should do that npw, but he refuses. It aches me to have found out all about his multiple relationships till about the time that we were chatting seriously.One of them happens to be a colleague of his, and I am so fond of her> We have been to couple of weekend trips together and I had always noticed my husband being very caring and concerned about her. I had mistaken it as what a sweet guy he is..ever so helpful, now I feel disgusted because i know the truth. I feel he is playing a game of keepig me blissfully. This is killing me….the wait to see will he even tell me these or I will have to keep them to me. Its hurting me because in all his mails during other relarionships I see him so open, emotional, sharing things of his heart. its never been that way with me..why didnt he share everything with me in complete honesty and transparency while I have done that with him so many years back. I am finding it so difficult to deal. Its affecting me very badly in everyway. I am just keeping sane with my unwavering trust in the lord. I am waiting and I an praying.

    May 29, 2014 at 4:10 am #57620
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hi Roohi,

    We all have a past. We have all done things we wish we hadn’t done, and not everyone wants to hold onto those things. What I have done in the past has affected who I am today, but it does not define me. If I had to show a resume of my past relationships to every possible suitor today, I’d stay single for the rest of my life. However, I have learned from my past and I know what bad things can be like, so I can consciously choose the good things: love, kindness, compassion. Your husband has chosen to be with you and not stay in the past. That does not sound like a bad thing to me at all.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by The Ruminant.
    May 29, 2014 at 4:23 am #57622
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Roohi,

    He probably didn’t tell you because he didn’t want you to think anything less of him. Was he having relationships with multiple women while he was getting to know you? All dating is is finding out if this is the person you want to be with forever. He finally found his Forever girl. You!

    Now, if he sees someone on the side while you are married, you have some decisions to make.

    Was he a player? It looks that way.

    Is he currently a player (even only in his heart/character)? He’s not going to say anything (I really doubt it). Time to have these conversations.

    May 29, 2014 at 4:26 am #57623
    Roohi
    Participant

    Hi Ruminant,

    Thank you for your reply and understanding. No i dont worry or feel sad for him having a past, it is only natural. It is also obvious that he would have treated his ex-es with care. What i feel sad about is about he not sharing this with me, when he knew that for me how important transparency is in relationships. I also had a past, i shared all with him..infact no one else knows so much in details as he knows. I did that BEFORE he took the decision to marry me. It hurts me to see that he has hidden things from me when he claims we are so close and I being his best friend. I wonder why did he choose to do that. 2ndly, on the colleague–the interaction is recent(the girl still works with him) as recent as last week when we went to a weekend trip togethr. he was so caring and concerning and I had thought it came out of him being a nice person. Its only later (post the trip) did I find out about the,. So its so obvious he still holds her dear in his heart and cares for her. I am sorry, but I am disturbed and hurt about the whole thing, and his colleague being now in his Present (though they might not have an active affair) dosent help the situation

    May 29, 2014 at 4:35 am #57624
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Roohi,

    Did he tell you before that he did not want to discuss his past with you, or did he let you believe that he had told you everything?

    P.S. I removed the first part of my first post, as I thought it was unnecessary, but it seems you saw it anyway, and responded to it 🙂 I’ll add it back, so that other people can follow the thread as well.

    P.P.S. I can’t seem to be able to edit it anymore. I guess it does not matter that much.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by The Ruminant.
    May 29, 2014 at 5:00 am #57626
    Roohi
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    I dont think he is having anything at the side now. But he certainly derives a certain amount of pride in the fact that women adore him and they really do. he is very very well accomplished, social, with good sense of humor, can speak multiple languages at a stretch, is good looking. He openly says he can never say no to women. He also stands up for women empowerment (for which i love him so much). I am not ready yet for the confrontation. should I wait??

    May 29, 2014 at 5:01 am #57627
    Roohi
    Participant

    Dear Ruminant,

    He led me to believe he has told me everythng. He told me about his ex-wife very briefly and said he has been alone for long now, i can now see he hasnt been alone for that long at all.

    May 29, 2014 at 5:11 am #57628
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Roohi,

    I would wait, but not for long. Meaning, the next time (for instance) you two plan to meet some of his old friends (one or two he had had flirtations with) then you can say, “Oh by the way, now that we’re alone in the car together, tell me about your relationship with them. You never bring your past up? Why do you think that is, handsome?” Be light hearted when you bring it up, never confrontational!

    With DH I would say, “You were kind of a playboy, weren’t you?”

    He would blush, smile, look uncomfortable, but, being a gentleman, would say nothing about his old fan club.

    It could be a generational thing: Young men say everything, older men say not a lot!

    That is what you are worried about. Talk, check in, go to one of those couples retreats (for fun mostly!) and then with help you can tease it out of him and calm your mind.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
    • This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
    May 29, 2014 at 7:04 am #57633
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks Inky 🙂 🙂 and The Ruminant 🙂 🙂

    Hey Roohi

    I am so sorry for your suffering. I am not going to tell you what you need to do as you are on your journey and you need to learn some lessons before such incidents can be left behind. However, I will try to offer some clarity, which may assist in your decision making.

    What does being a 33 year old LEO woman mean ? Is that how you identify yourself ? Are you superstitious and believe in zodiacs ? Just curious.

    Look, I have no desire to hurt you or make things more difficult for you but there seems to be a huge conflict going on in your mind about the status of your recent marriage. From your post, I get a feeling that there is a definite lack of open and honest communication between the two of you and there may be some hidden secrets as well. Dishonesty, hiding things from spouse as you do not want to hurt them with your past or whatever other excuses we may like to come up with – these are simple recipes for a DISASTER waiting to happen. You can see the red flags everywhere, cant you ? Whether these are real red flags or perceived, either way, you are not at peace.

    Can you take some time off and visit your family for a short holiday ? And you need to have a heart to heart talk with your hubby when you are in a safe place, OK !! Do not attempt to do this heart to heart without any backup friend or family support. Love and marriage should bring out the best in you and not put you through this esp if you have been married only for less than 6 months and you have a history of leaving a marriage after 1 month previously. There is a lot of self reflection and introspection, which needs to occur from your end once everything has settled. Life will keep throwing same challenge in a different disguise until you learn the valuable lesson. The lesson here as I envision it is – You are special and you do not need someone else to make you feel adequate or complete. Let go of the dependency.

    I will offer prayers for you tonight and hope you will find peace that your soul seeks. Please be kind to yourself.

    Jasmine

    May 29, 2014 at 7:13 am #57634
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Sorry, I got a bit of a headache now, so focusing is a bit difficult. I agree with Inky on, well, pretty much everything she said 🙂 Also, people have different views on what constitutes being with someone or what does “being alone” mean. Obviously, I can’t speak for your husband and I have no idea what sort of person he is. I just want to give an alternative perspective, that perhaps the problem that causes all the hurt is not an actual problem. It is easy for me to say, because I have no emotional ties to this person and can look at it from a neutral perspective. I do think that honesty and authenticity is important. I’m not so sure about 100% transparency. Do we really need to know everything about the other person’s past or what they are thinking? I can see the only reason for that to have some sort of false security about the relationship. I say false, because perfect and permanent security is impossible to achieve in life, and it’s more about a feeling than circumstances anyway. In the same time, we can open a can of worms by insisting on knowing everything. I once had the most brilliant idea of asking a then boyfriend who he considered to be attractive from a list of women. I did not realize I would react to it like the then insecure woman that I was. I was furious and the poor man was trying to explain his choice. A choice I asked him to make! Sometimes it’s best to not know everything. Especially if you are seeking reassurance.

    May 29, 2014 at 8:10 am #57636
    Matt
    Participant

    Roohi,

    In addition to all the wonderful sentiments expressed by others, also consider that sometimes knowing the past doesn’t actually help the present. Such as, if you knew his past lovers, there may be unnecessary comparison between you and them. If the past is dead and gone for him, it may be a lot less “hiding” on his side, than simply “irrelevant”. Especially if he said he was alone for a long time, despite dating, perhaps none of the women you’re afraid of ever touched his heart in the same way. We can be alone in a room full of people, if we’re not connecting. Ya know?

    Also consider that if he’s picking up on your fear of being right for him, he may shy away from certain topics. Much like he might not buy you flowers that make you sneeze. If you settle your fears, shed the allergies, then he won’t be afraid to buy you the difficult smelling ones. Said differently, when we aren’t afraid of our partner’s past, and don’t hold it against them in our heart, transparency is natural, easy.

    Finally, its unneeded to fear that because he didn’t tell you all the women he sampled before finding you, it means he’s hiding. To be frank, women ask questions they don’t actually want the answers to sometimes. “What was your relationship to her?” is often really “would you tell me how much you love me?”. A tender touch, a gentle squeeze, fears melt. If the answer is direct such as “oh, wow, she was a real tomcat in the sack, and those boobs…. oh my gawd. But nuts, unstable, so we ended it, good riddance.” What would happen next for you? “Ah, thanks for sharing, dearest love” or “am I good enough? Are my boobs oh my gawd? Am I satisfying to him?” etc. You be surprised at how much flak men take sometimes for not sharing, when not sharing seems like the most skillful choice. Why sing to a flower the colors of another blossom, when a radiant beauty is already in front of us?

    With warmth,
    Matt

    May 30, 2014 at 4:00 am #57699
    Roohi
    Participant

    Hi Matt,

    I love your last line- thats beautiful and something i will carry in my heart for long. Yes, i agree a lot of it is also to do with the insecurities i have within–i have always wondered if i am good enough etc. I think i am going to wait for sometime and give him his time, i feel if he is comfrtable eventually he will open up. I am praying for inner peace and strength

    May 30, 2014 at 4:09 am #57700
    Roohi
    Participant

    Hi Jasmine,
    What a kind soul you are. Yes i need all the prayers to overcome the hurt and anxiety i am feeling within. Next week is his birthday and I had already booked a nice quiet holiday for him as a surprise (of course wasnt aware of this turn of events), so i will see how that goes. Also I have told myself..i loved him, always did..i love him now, i will continue doing that.in the course i will wait for him to open up…yes i think so…open communication is very important in every relationship and specifically for me. I will feel more sad if he didnt even confide in me rather than he did his past–as i said its ok, everyone has a past..but it matters when the love of your life dosent feel comfortable for some reason not to share it with you, Pls keep praying for me, i am praying too for inner peace and strength

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