it’s not exactly accurate to say that i hate myself. i can stand myself when i’m alone but the thought of being around people is mortifying. i always think i’m not good enough yet. i’m not presentable. i have to wait to try to make connections with people, so i’ll be skinny and not be  jobless with no car and nothing to show for myself. i’m nobody worth meeting. when i do meet people or if i’m around somebody i already know, i feel inadequate and like i’ve done everyone a disservice for being who i am. i feel like they know that i’m garbage and i’m forcing my presence on them. this is reinforced when the only people that’ll keep me around are the ones that treat me like meat that’s only to be used. and i keep putting myself in these situations partially because i’m hypersexual. sex means nothing to me but i still feel just as traumatized when i know that’s what i’m being used for in one way or another. i’ve been hypersexual as far back as i can remember, when i was very young, and it makes me question if there was some sort of sexual abuse that i’ll never remember. i want to die most of the time, but can’t bring myself to do it. bonus info, i’ve been a drug addict since 16 and have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar, bpd, ptsd (some just wild guesses, not saying it’s all accurate) and also possibly on the autism spectrum. i’m sorry, i know this was a mess of a post but i feel like a mess of a person.