Dear AutumnGlow:

Yes, I can relate, you are far from being alone in this. I am tired at this point and ready to get away from the computer but I wish you felt better, that other members responded to you. It is difficult for me to share about the topic, to elaborate on what I meant by wishing I understood before what I learned later. It is difficult for the same reason you titled your thread “Ashamed..”

Shame is a difficult experience. What woman wants to talk about being used sexually when looking for love. The disappointment and humiliation is intense. I suppose you can figure what I mean in that statement after all. I hope to read more from you when I am back to the computer in about fifteen hours. Please be good  to yourself.

anita

Dear AutumnGlow:

I am not focused and will be away from the computer after this post for the next fifteen hours or so. Would you like to share about your marriage/ what was going on in your life before this “online/offline” happening?

anita

Hello AutumnGlow,

I’ve read most of the thread, and something that might help you cope with this is to accept that it happened, think about and understand why it happened and to be forgiving of yourself.

I can relate too, and as Anita said, you are far from alone in this.

I’ve learned from my own experience.  One thing that doesn’t help is to berate yourself for being human.  I’d also pay attention to your feelings of guilt (recognizing your husband was working hard to get extra money and you treating him the way you did) and your feeling of “how stupid you were.” These feelings are your conscience talking, and they also tell me that you value your husband and marriage and that you value yourself.  You recognize the guilt and why you feel guilty.  You recognize you were “stupid”, and why you acted on that.  (I am putting stupid in quotation marks because that is the word you used.  I wouldn’t be so harsh.)

You blame your loneliness for your actions, and I would pay attention to this too.  Have you talked to your husband about your feelings of loneliness and what you need from him?  Is he responsive? When people say marriage is work, this is some of what they are talking about.  A good marriage doesn’t just happen.  It takes a lot of communication from both people, understanding what each of you needs and how to meet those needs.  And both parties being open and receptive to working things out.

I would also urge you to take back the power you have within yourself.  This power will determine your thoughts and actions. It also puts the responsibility of your happiness on…you.  Your husband cannot be responsible for your happiness, but when you recognize you hold the key to your happiness, you are in the position of going to him and saying “I need this from you.”  And you go from there.

I hope this helps.

Airene

• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Airene.

Hello AutumnGlow,

Where you say this:

“I still ‘get my days’ but nowadays it is more that I felt I could not move on. My head and heart were stuck in the past. Time had moved on….but I wasn’t moving with it.”

Where you say you felt you could not move on…is this in relation to what happened with the online relationship, or with your husband.  Where you say your head and heart were stuck in the past…again, is this relative to your husband, or something else?

The feeling of having someone pay attention to you is intoxicating, like a drug.  That kind of attention can be a light in a dark tunnel, it can be a fabulous dessert at the end of a boring meal.  I wonder….if your husband was giving you that kind of attention, would that fill your void the same way?

You talk about how you would treat a friend in similar circumstances.  I’d treat yourself the same way.  Be forgiving, and each day say something to yourself along the lines of “I used to [______], but now I [_________].  That might help put the past in the past, and keep you focused on the here and now.

Please post again to update us on how you’re doing.  Talking about what happened and what your feeling here can also help deflate the enormity of it in your mind.  Time will also do that, but talking it out helps move that along.

Airene

• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Airene.

Dear AutumnGlow:

You felt so much better yesterday, almost willing to put this away, file it away and move on with some peace of mind. Did answering the questions above put you back somewhat, back to where you were before?

anita