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As the guilty party of an affair is it possible to recover?

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • December 3, 2015 at 1:44 am #88775
    Gabrielle
    Participant

    Hello friends, first and foremost I’m thankful for having a safe place to be able to share my feelings and concerns and look forward to your love and support. Maybe with some advise or inspiration you can help me kick back into gear.

    As the title explains I’ve been in a relationship for about 3 1/2 years now. In June I had a month long affair due to long distance, stress of my situation at the time and the feeling of emptiness within my relationship. I’ve owned up to what I’ve done, made many many many many apologies to him, his family and my family, church and so forth. The last three I’ve been granted forgiveness. I’m ready to move on and make things right but with every fight (the same fight) I get more and more discouraged and more and more confused as to who I am and what I’m doing and is this the right decision? With every argument I find myself crying a lot, having meltdowns and feeling really lonely.

    While I’m aware you can’t put a timeframe on everything, I just need to move myself in a direction of healing, would prefer to do it together (if that’s even a possibility at this point) I look for any stories that talk about how long it took you personally, hopefully success stories from you guys or any advise on moving forward or anything that can help me find direction and hope, sanity, love and balance.

    Thank you

    December 3, 2015 at 1:54 am #88776
    Gabrielle
    Participant

    I should also mention that I’ve cut all my previous ties and have zero intention to repeat my actions.

    December 3, 2015 at 4:54 am #88781
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Gabrielle,

    You were in a relationship but not married, correct? Well, this is what dating is for ~ to see if you’re compatible for marriage (in my old fashioned mind). So you apologizing to his family, your family and the church ~ well, it’s no one else’s business! Of course the only person who will need/want to give you forgiveness is your boyfriend.

    Unfortunately, this affair (it’s not called an “affair” unless you are married, it is really just “cheating”) your boyfriend (yes, he is just a boyfriend) he will hold over your head. It gives him fodder to fight over.

    Well, for his sake AND your sake, I advise that you break up with him. He will be shocked, hurt, upset. After all, YOU broke the rules, so YOU are the bad guy, and YOU are breaking up with HIM!?! Impossible!

    This will put him in his place on a very real level. He is not your husband. You are a free agent. You should have cast each other free or moved on to a marital relationship after three years. Subconsciously you cheated because you are still searching for your nest.

    This will do two things: It will force BOTH of you time to heal (give it a year) and it will force him NOT to have this actively over your head! You apologized. You shouldn’t have done it. You’re done.

    Then, you have to forgive YOURSELF. Tell yourself, “This is not who I am.” Then find another person (or go back to him but give it AT LEAST a year so you can truly start over) and do it right this time. Get married. Settle down. Start a family.

    From my Old Fashioned Self,

    Inky

    December 3, 2015 at 8:58 am #88791
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gabrielle:

    When did you tell him about the cheating or did he otherwise found out? From your story I don’t know how long he has known (and how long therefore it is that you owned up to it and apologized). I imagine TIME is a very important factor in him processing the cheating, and frequent apologies, to family and church, are not going to compensate for the need for time.

    Waiting for your reply to my question and any information you would like to add: what is the nature of your interactions with him now? What does he say to you? How does he behave toward you?

    Out of curiosity: how did his family react to you asking forgiveness from them? Are they strong Christians and reacted in the Christian kind of forgiveness way?

    anita

    December 3, 2015 at 11:44 am #88818
    Gabrielle
    Participant

    Hi guys thanks for your input. I’ve been feeling the need for space to let things cool but don’t know how to go about it, we share a house, expenses, bills, pets etc. I just want everybody to be happy and move through things.

    Anita, I went away for work in Hawaii for 2 months met someone and just enjoyed the company enjoyed feeling temporarily “worth while”. While I was out there I admitted to what I had done and really overall unsure of what direction I was going to take at the time and pursued that for a few weeks. I had a weird work situation which was causing me a lot of issues and stress combined with distance just didn’t make a great equation. I came back still not knowing what we were going to do. He was willing to work at the time (5 months ago) and it seems to be leading towards a spiraling repetitive fight.

    As far as apologizing to the families go, they were ready as far as acceptance, they said they really didn’t need the apology (though it was appreciated) but have their forgiveness and want happiness together or separately.

    I don’t want this to take away his or my own voice, opinions and who we are at the core.

    December 3, 2015 at 1:15 pm #88829
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gabrielle:

    So he has known for five months and you share a house, living in the same house. Then there are three options:

    1) You ask/ed his forgiveness as an ex girlfriend and current roommate, for the purpose of living as roommates in peace.

    2) You ask/ed his forgiveness with the hope of a romantic, intimate relationship.

    3) You ask/ed his forgiveness as an ex girlfriend and soon to be ex roommate.

    I suppose asking his forgiveness as an ex girlfriend will fit the contexts of these three options. And it is probably a good idea, if it is still your interest to be his girlfriend, to give HIM the above three options, for now (time limit to be determined now or later by you). He had no power when you cheated on him and probably that powerlessness is hurting him. Give him now the power to decide one of the three. All up to him. No pressure. You throw the ball to his court and wait, very patiently, for his move.

    This way there is nothing at all for you to do. No more pressure on you. It is all about what he chooses to do. I think that will be the wise way to go about it.

    anita

    December 3, 2015 at 1:48 pm #88833
    Gabrielle
    Participant

    Thanks Anita, I’ve kind of asked before what do you want to do and in which case he shrugs and doesn’t fully know. Nor do I of course. Just hearing “if another person comes along for us to be happy then it’s a possibility now” which doesn’t help define much.

    December 4, 2015 at 7:04 am #88859
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gabrielle:

    So you keep observing what is going on. You having cheated is part of it but there are more to see in what is: you may not like who he is, you may not want a relationship with him… The fact that you cheated on him does not mean you are now permanently on the Wrong and he is permanently on the Right. It does not mean you must repair the romantic relationship. It only means you did him wrong, then you sincerely apologize, make appropriate amends, and move on. Re-evaluate who you are, who he is.
    anita

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