Hi Renn

I’m sorry to hear that your boyfriend is extremely jealous, moody and judgemental. It’s going to hear that he is funny and generally kind.

Do you think that he is a net positive or negative in your life? My view is that relationships should enhance your life. If the relationship is consistently making you unhappy that is a bad thing. If it’s an occasional thing, well couples argue.

Attempting to change someone would be a bad thing. But relationships do involve communicating boundaries and finding a compromise.

We all have problems, unhealthy behaviours are normalised and permeate society. But what is important is if you communicate a problem, do they try to work on the things that you ask? Have you tried talking to him about any of this? I imagine it is difficult because you mentioned he can be moody and this dissuades you from talking about things. It might still be important to try if you haven’t already.

You are young and it is okay if you don’t feel like you are compatible. There are going to be plenty more opportunities for both of you out there. You don’t have to force it, sometimes you can care for someone and even love them and they can still be the wrong person for you.

What do your feelings tell you? The most important thing is to listen to yourself. Quite often people already know how they feel.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Dear Renn

It is possible to feel whole complete and lovable without being in a relationship. A relationship should compliment your life, nurturing with out being stifled, fun with some depth of meaning & room for give and take.

To find out what your heart, head & gut are trying to tell you find a quiet relaxing safe space close your eyes take some deep slow calming breaths and imagine yourself in five years time ie your job where your living, hobbies etc  be aware how you are feeling are your hands open or closed is your face relaxed & smiling?    and then add in your bf into the mix, note now how your body feels, if it is shrinking or tensing  or bracing itself in anyway then it is probably time to draw a line on this relationship.

Best wishes

Roberta

Hi Renn

I’m sorry to hear that you had an argument with your boyfriend because he called you stupid and childish. Well done on standing up for yourself. It’s good to see that when you feel he goes too far you don’t back down. I know it sucks having disagreements though. Has there been a resolution to the argument yet?

I’m sorry that he said you aren’t friends. I imagine that hurt you? I know that I would be hurt by that. I think friendship is really important in a relationship.

You are right, it sounds like he cares about you taking care about yourself when you are stressed but he goes about it in the wrong way. It’s not very helpful for someone who is already stressed for someone to make negative comments like that. I don’t think you’re stupid or childish. It sounds like he doesn’t understand anxiety. I get the same thing and stop eating when I’m stressed. It’s not a good habit though and it is important to try to eat even when we don’t want to. It can actually help to balance mood by increasing your blood sugar. If you don’t feel like eating something, try sucking on a sweet or a tablespoon of honey and see if that helps.

Personally, I think that listening to the heart is more important than the head. But I will say that it doesn’t just mean how you feel about the relationship it includes how you feel about yourself. How the relationship makes you feel about yourself is the most telling thing.

Another thing that helps me to decide is, does how I feel right now in disagreements match how I feel and know my partner to be on a regular basis? I have trauma so that makes me feel a lot worse than I should during disagreements.

I see, that would be difficult being in a long distance relationship with someone who is jealous. I would imagine that the distance would make him feel more jealous and insecure instead of less.

It is sad letting go of someone you love because things aren’t a good fit. But the pain doesn’t last forever and there are other people more suitable to love who can also reciprocate those feelings in healthy ways. I guess I think protecting yourself and loving yourself is more important than loving someone else. It is hard to love yourself if you put your needs below someone else. Things need to be equal. Do you feel that he loves you as much as you love him?

You mentioned that you convince yourself of things. What kinds of things do you convince yourself of?

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Dear Renn,

From the male perspective, money is a thing which needs to be kept in mind. For it is the responsibility of the man to provide and care for the family. Can’t do that without the help of money. So, it becomes a little more important to him than it is to you. So, different values, especially if he comes from a family with some money. The one thing no one teaches us about money. When taking out a loan or using credit cards, the money should be used to buy assets. Things that pay for itself and the loan. Don’t worry if it is returning spendable income. It’s value will grow. Just make sure it pays for itself.

As for the jealousy, women are so much prettier. And men value women on a different scale. It becomes easy to see women cheat. Statistically, women initiate divorce about 80% of the time. And most women say that they were done with the marriage months before it actually ended. Men have no notion of this until the divorce papers are handed to them. Marriage? Yeah, a little ahead of myself.

Jealousy is the fear the man is not good enough for the woman that the woman will leave them. It doesn’t make it right. Just the way some men are. They do not feel worthy enough. So there is fear the woman will leave him. It is ingrained in the way family was raised. I personally do not have this cause I grew up in a family that had no secrets nor any cheating. Can this be changed? The more beautiful you are .. the harder it is to convince him there is no chance of it. Cause other men will hit on you. And, then the possibility of you cheating,…. Stupid? Yes, men are stupid. Emotionally stunted.

It isn’t so much about love as it is about communication. If it is easy to talk and get through to each other then the better the relationship will be. If you can’t talk then feelings of love won’t make the relationship good. It only hides the turmoil that is about to come. To answer the question if you are compatible with your boyfriend, you will find many men are similar to your boyfriend. The chances that he will change is slim to none. Jealousy doesn’t just disappear. And you do not know how to handle that. You do not seem to know how to teach him that jealousy is hurting you cause you feel he does not trust you. And a relationship without trust can not survive. I wish you well and good luck in the future. No matter what you decide to do, I hope it works out for the best.

Tommy