Apology to a Mate

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This topic has 21 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.

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March 9, 2019 at 1:42 am #283767

Thomas
Participant

Hey there, I’ve got this friend where we had an argument an month ago as he felt i was too emotionally invested, that I needed constant & immediate replies and that we weren’t really talking about things friends should talk about it. In short he asked for a week’s space & that was a month ago. Now today we are in a much better place talking nearly every other day & the chat is much more positive & he’s being much more receptive to me now. So plan to meetup with him next week for the first time in a month, now i did apologise at the time we were having the argument but not since. Just wondering if you think I should apologise to his face when I see him or if we don’t meetup then send him a heart-fekt apology? It has been a month so I don’t to go backwards with him but I want him to know that I am truly sorry for my actions, that I care a lot about him & his friendship means a lot to me and i hope we are better friends now. Any ideas or opinions?

March 9, 2019 at 2:11 am #283769

JayJay
Participant

I would just say what you said above:

I care a lot about him & his friendship means a lot to me and i hope we are better friends now.

And leave it at that and move forwards. Put it behind you both.

Best wishes for a happy mates meet up!

March 9, 2019 at 6:15 am #283779

Thomas
Participant

Okay I understand. Say he doesn’t meet up or cancel, should I bring this up via text or call him say it? I really hope he doesn’t but worse case scenario and all that

March 10, 2019 at 12:50 am #283911

JayJay
Participant

Hi Thomas

You already apologised at the time this happened.

You intend to apologise again if and when you meet up.

Let’s see what happens and whether you do meet up. Are you thinking he might not meet up with you or cancel?

Do you have other friends, mates as well as this friend?

…felt i was too emotionally invested, that I needed constant & immediate replies and that we weren’t really talking about things friends should talk about it.

Can you talk about the above a bit more? It would help us to understand.

Best wishes,

Jay

March 10, 2019 at 3:16 am #283919

Thomas
Participant

Yeah I’m a really anxious & nervous person plus just found out he has the flu. I did apologise but I dunno if it came across well as I did want to end the argument. Yeah I have other friends who my relationships are grat with, this one just didn’t get off to the best start.

March 10, 2019 at 10:07 am #283965

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Thomas:

You already apologized, no need to apologize again for what you already apologized. See to it instead that in your present and future interactions with him you don’t repeat the behaviors you apologized for.

I think that you wrote earlier, in your other thread that you were starting CBT therapy, did you?

And those strategies to calm anxiety, as I mentioned in my last post to you, did you look into them?

anita

March 10, 2019 at 2:03 pm #283977

Valora
Participant

It’s said that the best apology is changed behavior. I would say just let your old apology stand and make sure you’ve changed the things he was upset about. Give him his space regularly and allow for some time to go by between replies without reading into things and that should help a lot.

If you do feel you still need to apologize, just give a short, quick apology when you hang out. It sounds like he was a little overwhelmed by maybe your need for attention? So a long apology might be taken the wrong way or feel like boundaries are being crossed again. So I’d keep it short and simple. “Sorry about all that, I’m glad we’re still friends.”

If he does cancel, try not to read too much into it. Things really do come up sometimes, especially if he’s now sick with the flu.

March 12, 2019 at 12:25 am #284227

Thomas
Participant

Yeah I’ve doing CBT Councelling now so my anxiety is a lot better & more under control now. Getting the tools to deal with stuff so it is going well.

Things are a lot better between us, he’s said as much himself yesterday. I do think actions speak louder than words in this situation, no point saying sorry if you repeat mistakes. I think a off the cuff apology would be the best thing though if it’s necessary although I wanna try & hang out with him more. Guess ultimately see how things are & what the vibe is like when we hang out.

March 12, 2019 at 12:32 am #284229

Thomas
Participant

Yeah he’s not committing to anything but think Saturday morning will work. We used to speak a lot like every day. Now it’s more like every other day so I’m trying to give him a bit more space and not come off as needy i guess. He felt like I always needed a constant reply, I was needy & I was chatting about stuff that mates shouldn’t talk about. I do want to get to know him better so i want hang out more often with him so hopefully this weekend does happen & we have a good catch up and things improve from there 🙂

March 12, 2019 at 6:04 am #284239

Valora
Participant

Yeah, I agree! Definitely a great idea to just give him his space and just hang out and enjoy each other’s company when you can. 🙂

March 12, 2019 at 8:15 am #284261

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Thomas:

Keep attending CBT counseling, do the CBT exercises daily (there are handbooks with such exercises, maybe you can ask your counselor for handouts with the instructions of such exercises, if he/she hadn’t handed those to you already). Keep practicing the tools you menti0oned so to decrease your anxiety, practice daily, week after week, month after month, this is a long term process. Keep at it.

anita

March 19, 2019 at 3:55 pm #285363

Thomas
Participant

I need help haha. So we’re meeting up next week for what feels like a make or break chat.

So basically said to me can’t invest in a full property friendship as wants to work on his current friendship but we’re on good terms, still wants to hang out just not as often. Can still visit him in Canada when he goes. Not to expect a reply all the time. Would like to be friends but doesn’t know if it will work but wants to keep in touch & doesn’t want to lose contact, we are on good terms and I’ve not done anything wrong bit wants to meet up & chat about things.

I dont actually understand what he wants? Anyone help I’m so confused on what to do or if I should eveb follow up & meet him next week?

March 19, 2019 at 3:58 pm #285365

Thomas
Participant

He was really nice over the phone & there wasn’t any cross words etc. Was a calm tone throughout. I’m so confused at what this is, feel like he’s saying he wants to be friends but maybe just not close friends due him wanting to re-connect with his own pals & moving next year. Same time i don’t want to try & remain friends with someone who maybe doesn’t want to make a huge effort? What do I do :/

March 20, 2019 at 9:05 am #285463

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Thomas:

Reads to me that he wants to keep contact with you but not a very close contact. I suppose it makes sense that he wouldn’t want frequent contact because he is moving to Canada, far away from you. Prepare a few questions to ask him when you meet him, so that you know what he wants. Ask specifically about what kind of contact/ long distance friendship he wants to have with you and ask about his goals in life otherwise. Use the meeting to get honest information from him.

Try your best to ask him a few questions not as a needy, anxious person invested in getting just the … right answers so that you can feel better as a result. Ask the questions as if you were an objective journalist, or an objective interviewer, simply looking for information.

Don’t expect to resolve anything during the meeting, use it to gather the information and process that information later, when alone. You can share that information here and I will be glad to give you my input about it.

anita

March 23, 2019 at 4:34 am #285871

Thomas
Participant

This is what he had to said to me before phone call:

I’m working a lot this week and am tight for money, so that’s a part of staying in Edinburgh as well as spending time with my fella obv.

That’s it just there. I don’t want you to feel like you’re in the position where you are nipping my head/stepping on my toes. Like when youre feeling anxious/nervous and I don’t reply which makes you worry more. That is putting a bit of undue pressure on me. Like when I’m in a total downer/wanting some chill and I don’t reply to you even though you ideally need a mate who replies when you want to talk and have some ongoing chat with. I just don’t feel I can be there for you all the time or offer the support that you’re needing from a friendship right now. And I hate the feeling of letting you down, I don’t feel it’s fair for either of us. Mostly, I don’t feel it’s fair for you. I almost feel like I’m stringing you along saying we’ll meet up, giving you hope and not being able to meet up because I’ve got other things going on. You need a proper mate that can be there for you, to hang out with and meet up with. It’s not right that you sometimes feel like you’re stepping on my toes, because a true proper friendship shouldn’t be like that. And for that I am sorry man, I am. There never seems to be good timing to deliver bad news to you, because there are always a lot of issues outwith your control on your plate affecting your life and I’m not helping. I mean, I don’t want to make you scared when I type a long big message. I don’t want to make you feel like you have a gut wrenching feeling in your stomach, and the fact that’s the feeling I make you have when I type a long message is horrible. That’s what I mean by this isn’t a healthy friendship. It’s certainly not healthy for you when you are scared/anxious waiting for my responses

One thing I do want to say is that I would be keen for us to meet up to chat about this over a dog walk sometime though

ill post the message i want to send after this
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