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Anxious feelings about myself in relationship

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  • April 21, 2020 at 6:14 am #350868
    Stephen
    Participant

    Good morning!  I’m looking for a space to vent and possibly get advice from strangers on the internet, lol.

    I’ve been having some anxious feelings around my relationship lately.  Usually, I am pretty calm and cool so anxiety isn’t normally an issue.  Fears and worries creep in, just like with anyone else, but its not awful. My partner, on the other hand, actually does have anxiety, had been on medication in the past, but recently has stopped.  Now because of wedding planning and stress at work, the thought of going back on it has surfaced.  I feel like talking about my issues with my partner will only make their anxiety worse right now!

    The short of it is this:  I am engaged, and I really feel like it is the right relationship for me.  My fiancé , and our relationship as a whole, while not perfect, is amazing and I feel very lucky, but a few things keep popping up:

    1. I feel like I constantly make little relationship mistakes, while there is nothing to criticize about my fiancé;

    2. I feel like I give in to compromise more than my fiancé (but is it really a compromise, or is it just me giving in 100%?); and 3. Sometimes I feel my mind trapped in my own body, like I can’t express my real opinions (Over years I have started censoring myself, because I am afraid what I want to say will sound mean, like my real nature is overly critical and judgemental of people so I just shut that down, but now I feel like when I want to say ANYTHING I just don’t, or I don’t even know WHAT to say).  This makes me anxious that my fiancé doesn’t really know me, and then, because of not knowing what to say, I feel anxious that I am a bad partner because when it is really needed, when I can take charge of a situation to get a better compromise for something that I want or need, or when I have an opportunity to be comforting after my partner has a bad day, I am hampered by these fears.  And then I also feel anxious, like I am not doing my job as a partner well enough, when they say they want to go back on anxiety medication :(.

    Long forum posts are the worst to me, so I will end it here. Look forward to hearing from you.

    Peace,

    Stephen

    April 21, 2020 at 8:30 am #350878
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Stephen:

    Having read your amazingly intelligent, honest, empathetic, kind and wise advice to others on these forums from December 2014 through July 2016,I learned the following: you are 33 or 34. You played soccer in high school, “wasn’t very good” at it, slow, “a little un-athletic. In college you were “a couch potato, really had no passion, played video games and drank a bit and smoked weed.” At about 24 or 25, you graduated college with no goals.

    And then you discovered running, and your “entire life has changed”: you didn’t smoke anymore, drank less if any, got to be in the best shape of your life, fitness (running, CrossFit, rock climbing) has become your passion, you made great friends as a result of your new passion, and you felt peace: “There is a peace felt when running that is hard to describe”.

    About running,  you wrote Dec 2016: “Putting on a pair of running shoes 6 years ago was one of the best decisions of my life!.. Running is simple, but it can be really, really hard, and that’s why it is so great. Everyone who is a fast runner was a slow runner once, and it is the slow runners who work their butts off that really inspire me.. I really enjoy running on trails through woods”.

    About self worth in the context of a romantic relationship, you wrote Dec 2014, more than five years ago to a member: “I think that you are still determining your self worth based on someone else’s perception of you: you need her to forgive you so that you feel like you’re a good person again. I think this stems from your insecurities.. as you work on that, your self worth will go up and you will realize that you can’t control what other people think of you, and then you won’t care so much! It may take a while, but your guilt should go away naturally with self improvement. Taking responsibility for what you did means that you realize what you did was wrong, and you vow to try and not do it again. It doesn’t mean that you need to keep beating yourself up about it. It’s easier said than done, I know: I understand all about having insecurities… your happiness shouldn’t be based on the actions of another person”.

    Three months later, February 2015, you wrote to a member about rejection in the context of a romantic relationship: “As a guy, I want you to know that we deal with the same fear of rejection too. It stinks. The thing is, it’s hard at first, but your life can only get better after a rejection, because you’re not stuck wondering about it”.

    About comfort and fear, you wrote to a member at that time: “COMFORT SUCKS! Comfort is fear. Fear sucks. When you see fear as excitement, that is awesome! What is the most exciting thing you’ve ever done? Sky dive? Climb a mountain? Fly to the moon? Go on a roller coaster? Guess what, none of those things are comfortable! Do you want comfort, or do you want awesome? Get uncomfortable!”

    About love, you wrote to another member: “if I may be so bold: take all that love that you have and  give it to people who really need it… there are millions of people and animals who are poor and lonely and sick who need that love too. Find an outlet for your love that doesn’t require a specific person. Volunteer with an organization, or visit with an elderly neighbor. If you start sharing yourself with other people now, when a man falls in love with you because of what an awesome human you are, you will have practiced enough that it will  be effortless”.

    At the time, Feb 2015, you went through a breakup: “I unfortunately just 2 days ago went through a breakup with a woman in residency. The emotional strain that residency has on her is indescribable, and I felt it vicariously, and I couldn’t handle it”.

    To yet another member, on breakups, you wrote: “I’ve been in similar situations where my feelings were unreciprocated.. Contact with her will make it worse. Get rid of things that remind you of her. Block her calls, delete her pictures and such.. I wish I could tell my younger self the same kinds of  things I’m telling you. You will meet someone else who things you’re fantastic, they won’t be able to keep their hands off of you, but it’s not her, unfortunately”.

    About depression, you wrote to another member: “I haven’t been to the depth where you are coming from, but I’ve gotten my toes wet with depression before, and I know it is terrible, soul sucking, vampire of a disease.. I’ve been to the point where I’ve lost my passion. As a matter of fact I’m there now, but I’m slowly getting out of it. For me it’s running. I get home from work and I just think, ‘what’s the point?’ but, every now and then, I take a big breath, close my eyes, and run out the door… Then I start to smile (thank you endorphins!). That’s where I find hope. I’ve never felt bad that I went for a run, but I have felt bad that I sometimes chose not to. I know that depression is an obstacle, and sometimes we think it’s unconquerable and it tricks us into abandoning the things we love, but if you know that there’s something that never fails to cheer you up, I think that’s proof that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If you can be happy doing one specific thing, then you can maybe be happy doing two things, and three things”.

    On March 2015, you wrote about abusive behavior in the context of a romantic relationship: “You know that this is abusive behavior, and I think you know what you have to do, but are afraid to take the next step. People can change, but it takes time. Are you willing to take that time, and risk a worst-case scenario? Is he worth you putting your safety on the line to help  him?.. Sometimes people fall into a habit where they think that what they say or do is said and done jokingly, or that it’s not that big of a deal, but they don’t realize how it affects other people.. For some reason, your boyfriend thinks all of these things that he’s doing is acceptable, and they’re not. Imagine how long it will take for him to completely re-learn how to interact with someone. Benefit of the doubt is a good policy, but you have to draw the line somewhere. I don’t think you can help him, and I think you should consider leaving before it’s too late”.

    And about healing, you wrote at the time: “Certain kinds of people, myself included, fill our free time with rumination. This is very detrimental to the healing process. How do you fix this? Fix it with whatever it is you love to think about that makes you  happy! For me, I need to run, or lift weights, or rock-climb, or play the piano, or play trivia in a bar with my friends. The healing effect increases when you mix in friends because you are no longer in your head, you are using your brain to do something and interact with people who didn’t break your heart… It’s a lot easier to give advice than to follow it, but this  is what I would have told my younger self: ‘Stop moping, go lace up your sneakers, breath deep, and smile”.

    And you wrote, still March 2015: “I’m 6’2”, devilishly handsome, and achingly single. Why? Because despite my physical ‘advantages’, I’m not at peace with myself”.

    About marriage, you wrote July 2016: “I’m thirty and single.. the fact is that marriage isn’t the magic pill to our feelings of loneliness and unfulfillment… Just because you are single does not mean that there is something wrong with you.”

    End of quotes. You wrote above, Feb 2015: “I wish I could tell my younger self the same kinds of things I’m telling you”, and March 2015, you wrote: “this is what I would have told my younger self”-

    It seems to me that your younger self is now telling things to your older self; your younger self of Dec 2014 through July 2016 is telling you what will be helpful for you to know now, in  your current situation April 2020.

    In my next post to you, I will suggest to you what I think that your younger self is telling your current self. I think that it’s a good idea if you figure it out (I am sure you had thoughts about it as you read through my quotes) yourself, before reading my next post.

    anita

     

     

     

     

    April 21, 2020 at 11:23 am #350908
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Stephen:

    There will be three parts to this post: part 1: my thoughts regarding the quotes from what you shared Dec 2014- July 2016; part 2: Responding to  your post today.

    Part 1: About ten years ago, you graduated from college with the feeling of not being very good at anything much and without much enthusiasm about life. You then discovered running and physical fitness; you found something that you were good at and you found an new enthusiasm for life. Following years of feeling somewhat anxious, running and taking on physical fitness as a lifestyle (personally and socially) led you to feel “a peace.. that is hard to describe”, and you were high on life.

    You wrote to a member regarding the context of a romantic relationship: “Taking responsibility for what you did means you realize what you did was wrong, and you vow to try and not do  it again. It doesn’t mean that you need to keep beating yourself up about it. It’s easier said than done, I know: I understand all about having insecurities”- I can see your inclination to believe that you are doing something wrong, feeling that you are a bad person for doing something wrong, beating yourself up for it, and vowing (a strong word) to not do  that wrongdoing again!

    I can almost see early life experiences when a parent perhaps reacted badly to something small that you  did, something not necessarily wrong at all, and definitely something not intended to hurt your parent- chastising you.. quietly or loudly. That parent’s exaggerated, negative reaction gave you the impression that what you did must have been very wrong and bad, to deserve such an exaggerated reaction.

    Your reply to a member regarding depression: “I’ve gotten my toes wet with depression before, and I know it is terrible, soul sucking, vampire of a disease… I’ve been to the point where I’ve lost my passion. As a matter of fact, I’m there now, but I’m slowly getting out of it… I know that depression is an obstacle, and sometimes we think it’s unconquerable”- tells me that you suffered from low to moderate depression much of your life, at times more than moderate. And I know that depression is the brain/ body getting exhausted from experiencing anxiety, sort of taking a break from anxiety and resting in calm despair.

    You wrote later: “Certain kinds of people, myself included, fill our free time with rumination.. interact with people who didn’t break your heart… this is what I would have told my younger self: stop moping, go lace up your sneakers, breath deep, and smile”- I can see your anxiety fueling your habit of ruminating, and I can see your anxiety in your younger self moping, anxious and therefore in need to “breath deep”; sad or depressed, and therefore in need to “smile”.

    March 2015: “I’m not at peace with myself”.

    Part 2: I will next use your words, and only your words from your post today, but rearrange the order of your words into sentences in order of my choosing:

    “Over years I have started censoring myself, because I am afraid what I want to say will sound mean, like my real nature is overly critical and judgmental of people, so I  just shut that down. When I want to say ANYTHING I just don’t, or I don’t even know WHAT to say.

    I feel my mind trapped in my own body, like I can’t express my real opinions.

    I feel like I constantly make little relationship mistakes, while there is nothing to criticize about my fiancé. I feel like I give  in to  compromise more than my fiancé..  me giving in 100%.  I feel anxious that I am a bad partner, like I am not doing my job as a partner well enough, when they say they want to  go back on anxiety medication.

    I feel like talking about my issues with my partner will only make their anxiety worse!”

    My understanding: running and getting physically fit, adopting this new  lifestyle, was not (and could not) be enough to heal you from an early life experience of elevated anxiety, some depression and an exaggerated sense of being inclined to do the wrong thing, and in so doing, bringing a disaster to your relationships (beginning with the relationship with a parent).

    The endorphins of running, the peace of running in the woods, the good feeling of looking and feeling physically good, the social high experienced with other people in the fitness lifestyle, that would have been a great time to start psychotherapy and examine your childhood experience, processing the emotions and reality of what happened then, so to free your present and future life from re-experiencing the past.

    What you need in a partner, is a calm woman, a level headed woman who contains her anxiety well. The woman in residency with whom you had a relationship, and a breakup in 2015, her elevated anxiety during her residency was too much for you to handle: “I felt it vicariously, and I couldn’t handle it”. Your current girlfriend is suffering from elevated anxiety recently, and you feel it vicariously as well.

    In your current relationship, you are so afraid to say or do the wrong thing, so used to push the breaks, to pause, that not  only don’t you say what you think, you don’t know what you think (“I don’t even know WHAT to say”). This means that you got so used to pause between thinking and talking, that you proceeded to pause before you think.

    March 2015, you wrote to a another member: “Sometimes people fall into  a habit where they think that what they say or do is said and done jokingly, or that it’s not that big of a deal, but they don’t realize how it affects other people”.

    I am wondering if your girlfriend says or does things to you that affect you negatively. When in a relationship where we re-live a distressing early life experience (being afraid as you are to say or do the wrong thing, to make mistakes and ruin the relationship), sometimes the partner encourages that re-living of the past by their way of interacting with you. What are your thoughts?

    anita

     

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