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Anxious, confused, exhausted

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  • January 27, 2019 at 5:56 pm #277283
    Mark
    Participant

    http://www.imom.com/why-husbands-lose-interest-in-sex/#.XE5g71xKiUk

    January 28, 2019 at 2:48 am #277309
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    Thank you Mark.  I just wish I knew what it was.  He did say he hasn’t been in the mood for over a month now, but I am fearful it is some type of porn addiction that he is hiding very well.  However he also has gained weight, stopped working out, drinks beer, sleeping much more than usual, has literally no morning erections, plays a lot of video games, hasn’t been eating well, and doesn’t have any friends around since we moved to a new state.   I am trying hard not to take it personal and to stop being angry.  I’ve done better and have purposefully been more positive and affectionate.

    January 28, 2019 at 6:25 am #277317
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AnxiousAsUsual:

    I re-read your posts, here is a summary and then my input:

    You are a woman in your early thirties, physically beautiful, in great physical shape, a weightlifter. You met your boyfriend before you were fully divorced (now divorced). For the first year of the relationship you had a very high sex drive with him and you thought that he did too. The two of you moved in together and are still living together.

    Following that one year of “amazing sex life”, the two of you moved to another state, and “immediately our amazing sex life started to plummet” and continued to decrease as the year progressed. You noticed over the past few months “less firm erections and no morning erections”, as well as not maintaining an erection the other night.

    Your suspicions for the reasons for the decrease: he is cheating (physically, or emotionally), he isn’t attracted to you, he is bored, he has a porn addiction (no evidence to any of these). Your observations since the move of a year ago: he didn’t engage in sports, doesn’t go to the gym much, his diet is poor, and he gained a noticeable amount of weight and has  an elevated liver enzymes level (recent bloodwork). Since the move he has been paying most of the bills, providing for a girlfriend for the first time in his life.

    He acknowledged a low sex drive on his part, suggested the reason is stress and mentioned erectile dysfunction in his past, but no details.

    My input this morning: reads like he suffers from Erectile Dysfunction (ED). I imagine it is physical and emotional, both. Seems to me that it is not because he is cheating on you in any way but because he is somewhat depressed, not motivated to exercise and get in shape, and because he is inclined to suffer from ED and has suffered from it before. This is not a new problem for him. I think that he knows this is not a fixable problem, from his personal experience, at least he hasn’t been able to fix it, so he is not motivated to try yet again.

    Maybe he feels comfortable that by providing financially for you, you will stay with him regardless.

    The first year with him was exciting for you: you were going through a divorce, excited about the life after a bad marriage, there is this new man and a new energy was stirring in you. For  him, there is this hot looking woman, very interested in sex, exciting. Then the second year came along, the marriage is farther removed from you, you are in a new state and there you are with this man that you are now getting to know more of. In the second year you have less distractions and are observing him more, paying attention.

    What you have now is a man in your life, no longer a new man with exciting possibilities. The excitement of the New and Unknown is gone. You may figure that you like some things about him but there is a lot you don’t like about him and you don’t want to continue the relationship after all.

    His ED is likely to be a chronic problem as it often is. This can be verified, he can share details with you about his past. The two of you can see a specialized medical doctor on the matter. But again, his lack of being alarmed at his symptoms suggest to me he is familiar with those, nothing new to him.

    What do you think/ feel?

    anita

    January 28, 2019 at 6:49 am #277321
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    All of your reply sounds accurate and makes sense.   I agree, living together and being around each other so much does give me the opportunity to see and notice new things about him.  I will point out…when we were first dating we only saw each other on weekends, rarely during the week.  Then he took a job where he was gone three weeks on a rig and then off three weeks.  So this is the first time we have been together this much.  I guess I am confused as to why the change was so sudden – but I don’t know much about ED so it is possible that ED can be a sudden occurrence.   It was about 10 months ago when he was having some trouble with an erection and he said “I need to go to the Dr. about that” and I just comforted him and said it is no big deal, it happens to all men.   I didn’t expect it to be a huge thing like it is now.  I am continuing to be patient with him and there for him the best I can.  I haven’t mentioned sex at all.  I want to be with him.  If it wasn’t for this I would consider the relationship damn near perfect.  I am trying to put myself in his shoes…what if I had some sexual disorder and could not have sex?  How would I feel?  I imagine he is scared as he knows how important sex is to me and I imagine he feels embarrassed or less than.  My goal is to talk more about it with him, but I am not sure when to do that and how.  Thank you for spelling it all out for me.  Anxiety causes my thoughts to race and rational thinking goes out the door.  My biggest fear is being hurt in this relationship and finding out something devious, but I am going to stay as rational as possible and realize that this is likely something physical in nature and not his fault or my fault.  Thank you, I wish I could carry you around in my pocket!

    January 28, 2019 at 7:09 am #277327
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AnxiousAsUsual:

    You are welcome and I appreciate your kind words and wanting to carry me in your pocket (funny).

    It is true, so I heard long ago, that every man has experienced ED in his life but not every man experienced it repeatedly over a long period of time. Just like some people react to anxiety by biting their nails, let’s say, and other people  don’t bite their nails when anxious, some men react to anxiety by losing or not getting an erection and other men’s erection is not affected at all.

    Your affectionate behavior with him, not lashing out at him, providing him a safe home with you, that will help but his ED is likely to continue to be a problem simply because it already is and has been for a while.

    Post again anytime, I like communicating with you.

    anita

     

    January 29, 2019 at 3:23 am #277519
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    Interesting night.  BF asked if I wanted to go have a couple drinks with him and his friend down the street and I denied, said he wouldn’t be too long.  Long story short, I texted a few hours later and he said they were just hanging and then I fell asleep.  BF comes home very drunk around 12:45 when I wake up.  Initially I was mad because there was no contact letting me know when he was coming home or if he was okay.  I have no problem with him going out with buddies, we spend 90% of our free time together, him getting out without me is very important and beneficial to our relationship.   I also don’t mind if he was drinking, as long as he wasn’t driving, which he wasn’t.  I have done my fair share of drinking so I can’t be hypocritical.  This is also the first time he has gone out with a buddy in a long time.  I confronted him saying “where were you”, “why didn’t you text”, which I should not have done when he was drinking because it was useless and he was just mumbling.  I found myself overcome with emotion, saying things like “you never talk to me” and  “this is bull****.”  I realized those words were coming from a place of hurt not related to him going out with his friend, but due to my feelings of neglect and frustration.  I realized this and laid down but struggled to sleep.  I will talk to him about the importance of just checking in with me, especially when it’s late but I am not his mother.  I noticed too that I have been taking on the ‘wife’ role, when I am not his wife.  Cleaning for him, laundry, etc.  I like to do these things but I need to pull back a bit, as we are not married, and I don’t feel I am being treated as a wife – but a girlfriend – which is where we are at right now.  Anyways, I think when we talk later today I will be able to open up more, as our arguments always end in deeper understanding of one another.  Too add, my behavior was exactly how my ex-husband treated me when I went out.  Guilt tripping, 1,000 questions.  It was miserable.

    January 29, 2019 at 5:47 am #277533
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AnxiousAsUsual:

    When you talk to him next, don’t argue, just talk. Bring up what you need to bring up but do it in a calm tone of voice and a relaxed enough face, best you can, not perfectly, of course.

    Regarding doing the laundry etc., it is not something only a wife should do, what I mean is that if he works more hours than you do and he pays more of the bills, then it is fair that you do more of the household chores.

    As I read your recent post I was wondering: are you interested in marrying him, are you resentful that he didn’t ask you so far to marry him (I assume he didn’t)?

    anita

    January 29, 2019 at 5:52 am #277535
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    Yes, I am working to not get overly emotional when  I speak to him.  I believe I am learning I am much more hurt than I thought.  I agree with the wife part that it is fair since he pays most of the bills, I work full time and pay my own personal bills, gas,  and grocery shop but he pays the rent/utilities/etc.  Maybe I am meaning more of a wife demeanor… sometimes I feel like I may even  be too motherly.  I do want to marry him, however these issues need to be spoken about and working towards resolution before  that would be appropriate, in my opinion.  He brings up marriage/children often, more in the recent months as well.

    January 29, 2019 at 5:58 am #277539
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AnxiousAsUsual:

    What is your goal then in the talk you are planning on having with him?

    Also, can you list “these issues (that) need to be spoken about and working towards resolution before (marriage) would be appropriate”?

    anita

    January 29, 2019 at 6:05 am #277541
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    My goal is just to be heard and for me to hear anything he feels he needs to say.  I am open to him sharing the things that I do in the relationship that are frustrating or not healthy.  Three issues would be 1. is he feeling well?  depression?  and point out that I’ve noticed a decline in self care 2. Erectile Issue, is he open to finding out the cause? 3. A commitment talk, are we both in this for the long haul no matter our own personal issues and life difficulties.  Overall, I am feeling the need to be closer to him emotionally and to better understand his world and hopefully help him to better understand mine.

    January 29, 2019 at 6:35 am #277549
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AnxiousAsUsual:

    There is only one way to “be closer to him emotionally and to better understand his world and hopefully help him to better understand mine”, and that is to communicate in a peaceful, non threatening manner, using what my past therapist called EAR: Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect.

    When a person feels threatened, they get farther, not closer. When a person is angry, they attack or run away. If an EAR communication doesn’t happen, better see a good couple psychotherapist and practice it in his or her office, with guidance right there.

    If I was you, I would want to know the very things you want to know: is he depressed, what is his past experience with ED, his concerns with it, his plans etc. But I wouldn’t interrogate him and ask too many questions at any one time. Instead bit by bit. Difficult for an Anxious as usual person, I understand.

    I am wondering: what did he share with you so far regarding being possibly depressed, lack of self care and so forth, and what are his relationships with his parents, past and present?

    anita

    January 29, 2019 at 6:55 am #277553
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    I will practice EAR!  I can be verbally aggressive, not loud, but still aggressive and I know this doesn’t work well for him.  He hasn’t shared anything about depression, but he does show some of the symptoms.  He mentions wanting/needing to lose weight and eat better/exercise, but seems to do well for a few days and then stops.  His parents are divorced, father was abusive, relationship is mending now.

    January 29, 2019 at 7:04 am #277555
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AnxiousAsUsual:

    Aggression does express itself in more than one way, such as a loud voice. The silent treatment for example is a very silent form of aggression.

    You can learn a whole lot about your boyfriend by  knowing more about his relationships with his parents, past and present. I suppose his father who was abusive toward him lives in another state, where you used to live, correct?

    What do you know about the nature of abuse he suffered from his father and about current mending of that relationship?

    anita

    January 29, 2019 at 7:08 am #277557
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    Yes, I also give the silent treatment but have been working to stop.  I tend to punish him this way for things he may not have even done (anxious mind creates drama).  Father was physically abusive, cheated on my BF’s mother, brought new women into the home a lot.  Has a new family and provides for her children more than he ever did for my BF and his siblings.   I am not sure how they have worked to mend this, and I think I need to start asking, as he actually brought this up quite randomly over dinner last week.  I let him talk and validated his frustration and confusion.  He has never looked at me like that and shared his pain so casually.  I felt connected.

    January 29, 2019 at 7:16 am #277561
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AnxiousAsUsual:

    You can’t get more of a connection with a person than when he feels comfortable to share with you his most significant-by-far experiences in life, and that is his childhood (and ongoing) experiences with his parents, knowing that you will take his side, empathize with him, get angry at injustices done to him, listen to him.

    What is his relationship with his mother like, past and present, did she get re-married?

    anita

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