Dear Zack:

“I’ve been donating to charities/ funds and been spreading the word about injustice.. I’m glad that I did something, instead of just sitting back and hoping things get better”- I am glad too, and thank you for doing something to help other people.

“I could give away all my money.. and still nothing would change?.. I’m powerless to make any meaningful difference, and I feel selfish just looking at all the things I have”-

* It is better to do nothing than to do something that hurts other people.

* It is better to do something that helps other people, even if it is a small something that helps just one person, than to do nothing. It is better for the person you help, and it is better for you because you get to feel that you are making a difference. Be modest about how much you can help others and appreciate the little helpful difference that you can make.

“Not everybody gets.. a house to live under, good food to eat… What did I do to deserve any of it while people who are probably much kinder and have more potential don’t get to?”

* Our world is mostly not a just world; it is mostly not a fair world where good people get to enjoy the rewards for their good deeds and bad people get to suffer the consequences for their bad deeds (and therefore, get motivated to change). You having a house to live in and food to eat is  not about you deserving these things (no god entity administering justice and fairness in the world). It just so happens that you have these things. So enjoy the good things you have, best you can.

“I’ve always been an anxious sort; I worry a lot about things, and while I’ve moved past some of my self-harm tendencies and lashing out at people..”- I wonder if you think that you deserve to be anxious, and to worry and to be harmed?

anita

Dear Zack:

You are welcome and thank you for your kind words. I think that seeking an on campus therapist once you go back to college is an excellent idea.

Putting together what you shared in the two posts, Ijust realized that I can very much relate to you when I think of myself when I was your age, and older: “I’ve always been an anxious sort; I worry a lot about things, and while I’ve moved past some of my self-harm tendencies, and lashing out at people, I still get very nervous easily.. .  I feel like it doesn’t really matter what I give; I could give away all my money and still nothing would change.. I’m powerless to make any meaningful difference, and I feel selfish just looking at all the things I have.. whenever I feel down, as I like being able to feel like a hero, even if it is just for a little while… I said something to myself akin to: ‘You deserve to be worried! Plenty of good people.. The least you could do is try to feel their pain!”-

– Growing up my mother was in a lot of  pain, mostly emotional, some physical, and I felt so bad for her. I was willing to do anything for her, to make her happy, but nothing I did was good enough, nothing I did helped her. I used to daydream about making her happy in all  kinds of heroic ways, being a hero.

I was very anxious, nervous, I worried a lot ( that my mother  will  die from all the pain she expressed); I felt that I was a bad person, I was angry a lot, I felt powerless to make any difference in any area; I felt selfish, like I didn’t deserve the food and clothes and toys etc., my mother gave me. I believed that I didn’t deserve to be happy, not  for as long as my mother wasn’t happy.

I wonder if you experienced something like this with any one of your parents?

anita

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