Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Anxious about social occasions, worried about future.
- This topic has 29 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 7 months ago by Alexandria.
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March 26, 2019 at 1:11 pm #286481AlexandriaParticipant
It wasn’t a pleasant experience at all. In fact, I feel like his family and him (my boyfriend) kinda want me to be like that girl. I’m not sure why it’s just how I feel. I was raised by independent and honest women, I myself am that way. I do not kiss ass or baby people to get them to like me, never have never will. And by god I will not baby my boyfriends ego! The brothers girlfriend we will call her Sandy, she MOTHERS the brother (her boyfriend). I am not going to do that in any of my romantic relationships, that is a complete turn off for me.
March 26, 2019 at 3:47 pm #286495AnonymousGuestDear Alexandria:
I think that you want and need to express yourself authentically in the group setting, to be in the center of attention sometimes, to be heard. I think that you suffer when you are in the shadow.
Your boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend took center stage her way. You need to take center stage (part of the time) but not her way, your way. Question is how can you do that without being confrontational. It would not have been appropriate, in the group setting during the trip, to tell her something like: you are kissing a** and you are babying your boyfriend!
But you can express yourself authentically otherwise. If you gave me a description of a short conversation that took place in the group, during the trip, she said/ he said run down, maybe I could come up with something, or you can.
anita
March 27, 2019 at 8:36 am #286565AlexandriaParticipantI can’t think of a specific conversation. She has a comment for almost everything someone says.
What I can tell you is that I do suffer when I am in the shadows, I was feeling really good about everything yesterday. But now the icky thoughts are coming back this morning. That I am not who they (him, his family, etc.) want me to be. This may be true, this may just be my mind. It’s a really sad thing to think about, I felt like me and my boyfriend had such a good start, and I really liked his family and they really liked me. But after this trip, I don’t feel apart of the family anymore and I don’t feel like I am the right girl for my boyfriend.
March 27, 2019 at 9:24 am #286583AnonymousGuestDear Alexandria:
Today is exactly a month since you started this thread and your relationship is seven months going so far. I re-read a lot of your previous posts in other threads, looking for something, some new understanding. (I didn’t find any problem with your boyfriend, that is, reads like a decent guy).
Before I continue, can you elaborate on this sentence on the first page of this thread: “when I am far away from home for too long I get grumpy and uncomfortable”-
-can you tell me what about living at home makes you comfortable and what doesn’t?
anita
March 27, 2019 at 9:51 am #286587AlexandriaParticipantBeing at home makes me feel grounded, comfortable and I can feel myself regaining my energy back. I can light a candle, I don’t have to talk to anyone, I dont have to do homework, I sleep wonderfully (most the time) I can just completely let it all hang out, I don’t have to be beautiful I can just put on an old t shirt and just be a human rather than a working woman!
One thing that doesn’t make me comfortable at home is living with my parents, I eventually want to move in with my boyfriend and be able to have pets and just those kind of other comforts.
March 27, 2019 at 10:21 am #286591AnonymousGuestDear Alexandria:
I suppose you have your own room, at your parent’s home, and you feel comfortable being alone in your room. But the interactions with your parents, those are not comfortable. Will you tell me about the interactions with them, with your mother and your stepfather, what is uncomfortable there?
anita
March 27, 2019 at 10:30 am #286593AlexandriaParticipantThey specifically don’t make me uncomfortable, my mom and I have a good relationship. And I’d say my step dad too. He just doesn’t talk much, but I don’t either. Our interactions are always easy and comfortable, we don’t expect a close relationship from each other. He’s very helpful with my schooling and expenses.
I don’t know if I’m wanting to move out soon, but within the next year possibly. My boyfriend really wants to move out with each other, he talks about it a lot. I get scared just because I’ve never moved out with someone before or even on my own. Plus most of my income goes towards school, car insurance, those type of expenses. I don’t work very much during the semester so I worry if I can pull my weight. My boyfriend has always said he will take care of everything though if I can’t with some things.
March 27, 2019 at 10:57 am #286601AnonymousGuestDear Alexandria:
You shared before: “I grew up in a dysfunctional alcoholic family… it (sexual abuse by older children, family members) had started when I was very young and then on and off until I was 12… He (your boyfriend) asked why I didn’t tell anyone and so on. There is several reasons why I don’t choose to tell the members of my family… It started when I was 4 or 5.. my parents were still together so I was very young”.
For some reason or reasons you chose to not tell your mother about the sexual abuse during the whole 8 years it was taking place, on and off, and you still didn’t tell her or anyone else in your family (?)
Maybe you pay a high price for your good relationship with your mother (“my mom and I have a good relationship”): you remaining quiet about that sexual abuse, and maybe about other things as well.
Maybe remaining quiet with your mother and with other family members brings you some calm at home, but outside your home, in other social situations, it brings you a lot of distress (“I have this worst anxiety socially, I feel like I can’t express or talk very well in groups”).
Maybe you want to be open too, like the brother’s girlfriend (“What sucks is she is a lot more of an open person than me”).
I don’t think you want to be open the ways she is open, but in your own ways. I think there are things that you need to say to your mother, maybe to your step father as well, at home, maybe elsewhere as well, to those family members who abused you.
When you finally do tell what you need to tell the people in your family, maybe then you will feel c0mfortable to express yourself elsewhere.
What do you think?
anita
March 27, 2019 at 11:08 am #286603AlexandriaParticipantI really like your observation. I am going to think about this for a few days.
I’m worried to talk about it because after awhile I didn’t fight it anymore and I think most will see that means it was consensual.
The first time it happened (with the first family member) ended that day. They never tried to do it again, I was very young at this point probably 5 or 6.
The second time it happened was with two other family members one 6 months younger than me and one 3 years older than me, by that time I was 11 and that continued to happen maybe for a year or 6 months I just know it happened maybe 3 other times. Sorry if that was confusing it didn’t keep happening for 8 years the first time it happened I was 6, and then stopped. Didn’t happen again til I was about 11 and continued maybe that year my memory is foggy because of everything.
March 27, 2019 at 11:58 am #286621AnonymousGuestDear Alexandria:
If I understand correctly now, there were about 4 incidents of sexual abuse: the first happened when you were 5 or 6 when a child, a family member abused you during one day. Five or six years later, two other children, family members, abused you sexually approximately 3 times over the course of half a year or a year.
You wrote that you want to think about my last post to you for a few days. I hope you do and I am looking forward to read from you again, when you are ready and willing.
anita
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March 27, 2019 at 12:04 pm #286625AlexandriaParticipantYeah that sounds about right now. Thank for this Anita.
March 27, 2019 at 12:05 pm #286627AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, Alexandria. Till next time, take good care of yourself.
anita
March 27, 2019 at 2:19 pm #286651MarkParticipantAlexandria,
I would caution anyone who has not lived on their own to move from living with their parents to living with their romantic partner. This will rob you of the “practice” of being truly on your own, to practice your independence, to gain the self confidence and experience of managing your own life. Having your boyfriend “take care of you” does not give you that opportunity nor the independence to live your life on your own two feet. I believe everyone should have to do that especially when you are young. If you cannot manage that financially then that is part of the path of maturity and independence.
Mark
March 28, 2019 at 10:58 am #286783AlexandriaParticipantThank you Mark, I always appreciate your input and perspective. You seem like a good natured and put together person, I like your advice. I feel the same in a way, I do want to be able to be independent and take care of things finanically, whether that means waiting til I graduate and get a better job or working my hours while I am in school I’m not sure.
But, that being said. I have not wanted and made the internal decision to not move out with my friends for a few years now, and I always saw myself moving out with a SO rather than with friends, or with no one at all just by myself. But moving out by myself is not something I can financially do right now and probably not during school which is a good portion of the year.
March 28, 2019 at 11:01 am #286787AlexandriaParticipantI’m not sure if I phrased the above conversations right the last few days my brain has been a bit foggy.
I will not ever let my boyfriend completely take care of everything, I just meant as we have been talking about it. I’ve expressed my concerns about not being able to pull a lot of weight do to my work hours, and he expressed that it’s okay if I just pay for the groceries and the bills like gas, internet, etc.
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