anita,

i would like to open up a new world and talk about this category: boys/men (more like boys…haha!) GET READY FOR A LONG POST!

i do this thing. i have this pattern. and i feel it coming on right now at this moment. it is a moment of distress where progress can be made. so LET’S DO IT.

i have been cheated on emotionally (meaning the guy had true feelings for another woman while we were dating)

1st one: “S” – 2010. i broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years just because i wasn’t feeling it anymore and also started to have a crush on this S guy. we pretty much started talking a lot/dating within a month after i ended the 3 year relationship. (in my mind, the relationship had ended in 2 years, but my mother convinced me/forced me to stay with him because if i dont it will be so hard to find a good guy like him blah blah). S had previously been quite enamored with Z – a muslim girl with very strict cultural restrictions. S and Z – it was a thing. everyone knew about it. she got married off at 16 to her second cousin. i have a tremendous, TREMENDOUS, amount of PTSD from this experience. while we were dating, it was long distance after high school,  he was a compulsive liar. lied about sweet ideas he had for me, lied that he was born in 1991 instead of 1992 (weird, trivial things). He told me had made a thousand new friends in college, and when i finally went to visit him, he had zero. I always felt uncomfrotable and had an inkling that he still liked Z. especially since on Facebook (which was used unhealthily extensively in these college days) people would make comments on me and S’s stuff about Z. His friend wrote “wait what about Z.” Boom. S is where any of my ability to behave normally with a man began. I became that typical “crazy” girl. I did not know who i was. i was on fire and rage. i asked him consistently if he is in contact with her, if he views her facebook. he, after lying 80 times, finally agreed that he does check her facebook bc he is curious to see how she was doing. Me, already an anxious person, have a hard time not sticking to the little things. S made this problem SO MUCH worse for me. I somehow, do not remember 8 years ago now, was able to access her email. Boom. I saw email contacts between them. Him speaking to her consistently. i remember having so much anxiety about this. i remember showering in the college dorms and having a true obsession with Z. all i could think about was Z. I forgot to mention, when we FIRST started dating, i was going out with my friends and he texted me saying, “have a good time, Z.” very traumatic. anyway, i found out and i was outside my house. i was yelling at him for doing such a thing to me, but at the same time yelling at him and forcing him to stay with me. it was so twisted and horrible. just typing this brings back how horrible my anxiety and pain was. we stayed together. and i became neurotic. i read her emails on a daily basis. i made him delete her number which he threw a huge fit about. i was never ok again. i would bring it up everyday. i would compare what they had done sexually to my own experiences with him. i would threaten to hurt his family in angry moments and felt possessed – like someone was typing for me. i was in so much distress i was not me. it was truly scary. my anxieties moreso worsened and began at this time. i was unable to function in school – and had to move home, cancel a course and take it over the summer, and i became suicidal. this is the moment when it went bad.

It took me a while to get over that horrible, weird experience. what was also hard is that he was so abnormal himself. he had no friends, social skills, and was just a weird guy. it really scarred me and made me feel all dirty. i lost any idea of normalcy.

N – 2013-2014ish – he was the president of my community service fraternity. we talked a great amount online but when i would go to our club meetings, he would ignore me. although it was only electronic communication, i became quite enamored with him. i heard rumors while he was extensively talking to me, online of course, that he and “B” had something going on. Eventually, one day, he just never ever spoke to me again. simply ghosted.

M – 2017 – we dated, he was actually my boyfriend. however, he had a very close relationship with this “blonde bombshell” L. he texted her  more than he texted me. we would be sitting together and his phone would blow up with messages from her. i told him i felt uncomfortable. he then proceeded to ask my permission to see her, like a child, and when i would say yes, he would jump up in joy, like a child. i do have to say, in the beginning, i truly think he liked me and not her. i truly do believe they were just friends. but the idea of another woman being close to my man, i could not handle it. so what did i do? i created it, it seemed. i was absolutely consumed. M and L. all i could think about. every dream, every night – a dream of M and L dating. I became obsessed. neurotic. anxious. unable to sleep. all i could talk about. he would invite me over, it was all i would ask about. i convinced myself, and him even, that he liked her. this being said, it was indeed OBJECTIVELY inappropriate the amount he continued to speak to her when i expressed my concern that i have trauma and cannot handle it. long story short, he finally admitted months after we broke up, that he indeed did like her during the end of our relationship. he said an interesting statement though. he said “it was kind of like you wanted me to like her and were pushing me on top of her.” I acted cool and calm –  i said yeah i knew you did, its ok. Next day – explosion. i hated L. I wanted to look like her and be her. cool, happy-go-lucky, beautiful blonde perfect body girl. i texted her – i told her he likes her. then proceeded to block her. i felt kind of crazy again. just not as crazy.

which brings me here, talking about my patterns of dating. when i meet a guy, i have so much anxiety i do not know how to behave or speak. if you see me on a date, you would think i took some ecstasy or something before. i am ALL OVER THE PLACE. i think “does he like me, does he want to be here, am i attractive, i wonder if my fat is showing.” I also then proceed to think the other side, “i am hot, he should like me. who does he think he is? i’m awesome.”the moment i start speaking to a guy, in my words, i become a crazy person. the reason i say crazy is not because i THINK im crazy. it is because i actually feel CRAZY. stomach twirling. nausea. inability to focus. tremors. anxiety. negativity. anger.

Here are some of my patterns that drive me insane when i start talking to a boy:

1. When i feel like i have messed up or in general i do this too – i have a tendency to play the “save me, i am a damsel in distress” card. i have had moments where i honestly lie too – i will say, “something really bad happened in my family today and i am not well” – to illicit a caring response from them and increase their desire to see me. i need constant confirmation that someone cares about me and wants to see me. (my mother has done this with family. there was once a huge family fight and it seemed as if no one would ever talk again. the next day, she called her brother and lied and stated, “my husband had to go to the ER last night for chest pain.” she told me, “cali sister, go along with the lie. we have to do this to make sure that we still have someone on our side that will come for us.” i remember sitting in my house. i remember the family being over, and i remember my father having to play this role of a man who almost had had a heart attack. i was so confused and just silent. i was disgusted. but i remember seeing my mother – all over the place. could not sit still, could not sleep until she KNEW that we still had SOMEONE.) so when i feel like i am losing out on someone, i want to keep them around by telling them i need them.

2. I do not know how to handle communication. i have grown up with seeing my parents constantly communicate and have no understanding of space or breaks. so when i start talking to a boy, the anxiety of communicating is intense. am i saying too much? am i contacting too much? do  i sound desperate?

3. i dont know how to handle if i do not know when i will see the boy next. i have so much anxiety until there is another final plan. if there is no plan pending, i am scared i will never see them again. this is an anxiety many of my girlfriends share with me, the differnece is the intensity at which it affects me, my day, and self esteem.

4. i dont know how to behave sometimes (hard to explain) – i do not feel relaxed so i find myself blurting out things that i do not really mean; sometimes they are odd or make no sense or make me sound like a bad person. so when this happens, i do not feel right in these situations. and i fixate. and i want to fix. immediately. there have been times where i dont want a guy to leave and make them stay for hours to talk and talk. they are fine. they forgot about it. i am making them stay for me – so I CAN FEEL better. do i? not at all. not for weeks sometimes. i hear myself saying, “no dont leave. lets just talk about it.” when the guy doesnt even feel that there is anything to talk about. i feel distressed. i sit there repeating the same thing over and over – trying to make it go away from my head. it doesnt. i end up pushing them away.

5. i tend to apologize for what im going thru and how i act as a result of it. if i explain i little of how i am feeling, i always say, “i understand if you dont want to talk to me after i told you what i said.” i put myself so down. i also want to illicit a response that says “oh no i want to talk to you”

6. i think when i act a certain way that i do not like, it results in a judge of my character forever for that man.

7. i cannot handle other women. if the guy i am with so much as calls another girl pretty – oh lord, IT GOES HAYWIRE. the dreams, the obsession starts. i cannot, at all, deal with ex-girlfriend stories etc.

so here comes alex. the first guy since M that i am consistently hanging out with and that i am forming feelings for. we have seen each other many times by now – and it is hard to hide my anxieties etc. he knows i am going thru “family stuff.” yesterday, i decided to open up a bit more. he said he wanted to listen but doesnt know he will be able to help. after i told him, i found myself basically telling him to leave, in an indirect way. he came back to my apartmnet and was yawning. i said, if youre sleepy, i understand if you want to go. he said, “no i want to hang out.” i again found myself saying weird things – like talking to myself – that i am proud that even tho im going thru all this im still a pharmD. he was agreeing, but there was no reason for me to say such things. he was just playing with my puppy and enjoying himself. he WANTED to be with me. but i couldnt believe it. he is not one to talk much – meaning express feelings. but his actions do show. he asked me to hang out the last two times we did. i got a bit defensive at one point and said a statement “i dont even know why you talk to me”. literally, OUT OF NO WHERE. this angered him (rightfully so). he said, i dont know why you have so many issues with me. he told me i dont need to be so negative. i sat there on my bed. he sat down next to me. we stayed silent for a bit. he stayed. didnt leave like i thought he would. and it was fine. i mean objectively, if someone was watching. i wasn’t. i didnt like how i felt or acted. all anxious, insecure. i said statements like, “let’s undo the last two hours.” he said, “i think the last 2 hours were really fun.” i wish i felt the same way. the whole date, i self-talked – CALI SISTER, GET IT TOGETHER, WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE THIS.” i would go into the bathroom and talk to myself in the mirror to just calm down. didnt work.

so now, i feel odd. weird. unsteady. my natural tendency is to see him again – the typical cali sister would say – hey im not doing too well today. wanna come over” because cali sister thinks this will solve it. “oh, all i have to do is see him again and it will be ok” – oh anita, in all my experiences this is never true. bc it is all in my mind. it will never be ok until i in my mind am ok.

what is my next step with alex. what do i do? do i ask him to see him again tonight? (i dont feel embarassed to ask him to hang out since he asks me equally).

cali sister

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by cali sister.

I will try to be as silent as possible. I’m excited to try such a thing

how do you recommend I even go about asking to hang out? I fear a rejection

yes,

talking is where i get in trouble and my anxiety stems from. so if i decrease the amount of talking – this can improve extensively.

thank you. i asked him if he would like to see a movie. lets see.

talk tomorrow!

does this mean i am a child in all ways? i was very excited with a recent decision i made for a new career direction and have started networking. this now makes me feel that i am incapable of doing such a thing