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Annoyances in marriage

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  • August 3, 2019 at 12:57 pm #306387
    Chloe Rose
    Participant

    Hi,

    I’m working on really putting in conscious effort to improve my marriage, a relationship I have taken for granted for far too long. But sometimes (ie often) it’s the little annoyances that are tripping me up when it comes to me finding happiness. For example, there are many times when my husband is like one of the kids. He can be sooooo loud! I already have two young kids in the house yelling and running around and all the noise makes me crazy. It’s great that he has fun with the kids but I get overwhelmed.

    Then other times he is the exact opposite. He can be so so strict on the kids, not allowing them to just be kids. He won’t let the kids do things I would allow, leading to conflict in the house. This is what I struggle with the most. I have experienced abuse in my household (not by my husband) and conflict at minimum irritates me and at most brings back feelings of being unsafe. It’s also difficult to back him up with the kids when I feel he is being overly controlling and ridiculous. Our differences in parenting are leading to a lot of arguments and angry feelings.

    I try to take care of myself, get enough sleep, balance time between being able productive and taking time to myself, and I’m processing my trauma in therapy. I want him to go to therapy but he isn’t at this time. I’m just looking for any additional advice to help me overcome my annoyance at my husband which happens almost on a daily basis.

    August 3, 2019 at 2:25 pm #306401
    Mark
    Participant

    Chloe Rose,

    You did not say how long you have been married nor describe how you and your husband resolve issues.

    It sounds like you two don’t really have a good way in communicating or discussing differences between each other.  Are you looking for that?

    Check our Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication process as a way to have a non-blaming conversation.

    Mark

    August 3, 2019 at 4:23 pm #306421
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Chloe Rose:

    Regarding your husband being loud when playing with the kids, maybe you and him can agree to him being loud playing with the kids outside, in a park let’s say,  so that you are not present, or if at home- then at times when you are not at home.

    When the two of you are at home and he is playing with the kids, then, the agreement can be that he lowers his voice. The kids can be told about this arrangement.

    Regarding your husband not allowing the kids to do what you allow or would allow them to do- why don’t you and your husband sit together and make a list of what the two of you agree to allow the kids to do and what the two of you do not allow the kids to do. It is important that the two of you are in agreement on such lists so that the kids are not confused or are motivated to manipulate situations so that they get the agreement of one parent without the knowledge of the other parent.

    “Our differences in parenting are leading to a lot of argument and angry feelings”- arguing is not helpful, not at all. There is professional literature available on resolving conflicts in effective ways, using effective interpersonal  skills for that purpose, negotiating in a peaceful, mutually respectful way.

    Here is a part of a handout I have called :Guidelines for Relationship Effectiveness”- it reads, “A way to remember these skills is to remember the word GIVE:

    (Be) Gentle

    (Act) Interested

    Validate

    (Use an) Easy Manner.

    It explains: “Be courteous and temperate in your approach. No verbal ..attacks, no ‘manipulating’ statements.. No moralizing, ex: ‘if you were a good person, you would..’, listen to the other person’s point of view.. Validate or acknowledge the other person’s feelings, wants, difficulties.. Be nonjudgmental ..’I can understand how you feel, but..’ Smile, ease the person along. Be light hearted.. Use a ‘soft sell’ over a ‘hard sell'”.

    anita

    August 3, 2019 at 7:08 pm #306455
    Chloe Rose
    Participant

    Thank you Mark and Anita. My husband and I have been married 11 years. Usually we are pretty good at working things out, but it feels like these issues keep coming up! He really is a wonderful man in so many aspects. It just feels like I’ve found his flaws and he is unwilling to change these! I’ll try what you two have advised because what I’m doing isn’t working! Thanks!

    August 3, 2019 at 9:24 pm #306469
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Chloe Rose. I hope these issues get resolved and am looking forward to read more from you.

    anita

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