Dear JC:

“I’m struggling and depressed, I’m sad all the time, and especially when I think about my oldest daughter and her daughter… She’s blamed us for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life. I’ve told her I would like to help her, she told me to buy her a house!… told me it might ten years for her to forgive me, that I’d always been a bad parent, I was the sole reason she was the way she was and it’s my fault her life had turned out this way… Finally I decided I was going to set some boundaries… I told her that I didn’t want her verbally abusing me anymore, it was hurtful and unfair… She explained that she couldn’t help herself because she was so angry that it automatically came out but apologized again…(and said) that she just hated me.. I’m toxic… I told her I never meant to hurt her… I feel so bad about how she was treated, but I don’t know how to fix it..“-

– I’d say it’s time to implement The Serenity Prayer: god, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

You can’t change anything that already happened. You can’t change your oldest daughter’s Anger and Hurt (even if you buy her a house, as her anger and hurt have lasted too long). You can change your exposure to her abuse (to have no contact with her for as long as she is not able or willing to control her anger).

Here is an idea: what if you list (not describe, just list: 1, 2, 3..) all the things that you are struggling with. For each item, decide if i’s something that you cannot change, or it’s something that you can change (and if so, how?)

Do you think that this exercise may help you?

anita

Dear JC:

You are welcome! You can do the exercise privately or here, on your thread, wherever you prefer. If it helps for you to share about your experience of generational trauma, you are welcome to do it here as well, anytime you feel like it, if you do.

anita