Dear Beachgirl:

Clearly, you should have had your boyfriend with you celebrating your 30 birthday and relationship anniversary. He is not with you as a result of miscommunication, for one:

You wrote that he “brought up himself that it was my birthday & our anniversary he would be missing, I said if the stag was what he wanted to do then he should… if I had put my foot down and said no then he would of stayed”

The miscommunication I am referring to is not the obvious, that you told him it was okay for him to not be present for your birthday & anniversary. The miscommunication I am referring to is that it seems that in your mind you either don’t assert yourself at all, being passive (not expressing to him at all that you have a problem with him not being there for your birthday, maybe even not feeling at the time that you have a problem with it) or you think that you have to “put your foot down”, that is, to almost be aggressive.

The assertive way (not passive nor aggressive) would be to tell him you do have a problem with him not being present for your birthday and express to him whatever other feelings you have on the matter. Then discuss it, talk about it.

You went from one extreme, passive to the other extreme, aggressive when the effective, healthy way to go is assertive, the expressing of your various feelings on the matter, conflict you feel and open it to a discussion with him, aiming at a resolution.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Beachgirl:

Anger is an emotion that demands a resolution and fast! It motivates us to fight, to end things. It leads to a lot of actions we regret later. So need to be careful about anger.

Anger has a valid point: there really is something you need to do to resolve it, only what you need to do is to be done later (when he returns), not now. And what needs to be done is difficult to do, learning to be assertive. What needs to be done is not easy. Easy would be to break up with him.

I didn’t attend to his part of the miscommunication and the distress you are experiencing. I don’t know what his part may be at this point. Your part is big enough to address. For as long as you are not assertive, a healthy, close relationship with any man is impossible.

Post again, if you would like to continue this communication with me, or otherwise appeal to other members.

anita