My name is Stephania, I’m a very emotional person, but in the good way. I believe in not repressing emotions but expressing them freely in a healthy way. Being sad is OK, being angry is OK, being excited and happy is great! I always believed in not judging my emotions or the way I feel, this belief helped me cope with a lot of things in life and also made me a grateful person.

In my loved life I’ve never had great luck and honestly I don’t think I made the best choices. But I found a man, kind at heart, authentic and with and awesome energy and personality and fell in love. We’ve been together for a year and as crazy as it sounds, we moved together after 2 months of meeting each other (don’t judge).

Early in the relationship he told me he had some depression and anxiety issues because he was chemically imbalanced. I honestly didn’t know much about the topic but I was OK with it and read more about it later. Later I found he is bipolar, I’m not getting into all details because I could write a book about it but in a year I’ve seen all his faces: angry, desperate, happy, depressed…. this has pushed my anger and temper to an extreme that I didn’t even met before. I’ve lost it many times that I can count with two hands. When I say I lost it I mean: throwing stuff to the wall kind of lost it. Then I feel so terrible and I also feel I’ve been set up for failure. I’ve never been like this before. The amount of feelings and emotions give me anxiety, and after trying so hard to make someone happy and failing makes me lose it, or I let myself lose it. It happens when he ignores me, complains about his life (which involves me of course now that we live together), complains about his weekends, feels miserable and then says I make him happy (??). Dots don’t connect… so again, I lose it. Last night to be specific, It happened… so I packed my bags and told him I was leaving, not because I want to, but how would someone feel if they get invited to move in and the person they’re with and owns the apartment is miserable and has an attitude towards them. Personally, I feel like I’m no good for him, and after losing it like that, I reassure my thoughts.

I did leave… at least I made it to my car. But he followed me and said he was deeply sorry that he was setting me up for failure, not on purpose. That he needed me a loved me and I was the one.

As a self conscious person, I blame myself for everything: for losing it, for ruining his weekend because of it, for not being able to make him happy, for talking about things that made him cranky, for taking things personal, for just being myself. As a self conscious person I don’t impose so I feel like packing my bags and go because I don’t like to be a burden, I like to see people happy. Earlier yesterday I asked him what was the last time he really enjoyed a weekend with me and the response was: when his friends were in town. So now you get me.

The other part of me that knows his bipolarity disorder and how serious it is tells me not to take it personal, it comes and goes. He loves me (I know he does, just not right), and he wants me there.

The selfish me says: I love him and he has to learn how to appreciate me and put his mind straight because he will lose me if the way he talks to me and treats me keeps going.

On another note, just to give more to think about before commenting (because I really need to know other peoples perspective. I need to know your thoughts/advice) he talks about the future with me, he says I’m the one and he wants to marry me. He even said he is saving for a ring. He makes an effort, when his mood allows it, to do beautiful things for me. I’m comfortable with him and he is with me. I love him, but I’m lost and confused and angry.