Dear Helen:

I will attempt to answer this question: why is Helen angry at a loving, respectful boyfriend for the smallest things they say?

Let me know if my attempted answer reads reasonable to you:

When your boyfriend says something, you hear something else. What you hear is what has been recorded in your brain from a long time ago, before you met him. The boyfriend says something, and this or that pre-recording gets played.

So the boyfriend says: “You are going to be a bitter granny” and you hear something like (just a guess): “There is something wrong with you, look at you, bitter and stupid, shame on you!”

Having heard the second message, you get angry, because it hurts to feel stupid and shameful. And when we feel that someone hurt us, we naturally get angry at them.

anita

Hi Helen

I too had the same problem. Can you tell me a little more about your childhood? Many times, our anger, hurt, abusiveness or rage is actually directed at a former caretaker from Childhood. Sometimes these issues have been forgotten about until they come out in our adult lives and wreak havoc in our adult relationships, causing us to hurt the ones we love. The anger you are using through your boyfriends, is actually depression turned inside out, and the anger and criticism isn’t toward the current person, but from unmet needs you did not have as a child or from a very critical parent who did not listen to your needs, or let you express your feelings. All that resentment built up over the years, is unresolved, causing you to “lash out” now in your adult relationships. It is not your fault.

I would highly suggest reading the book “I love you, don’t leave me” it talks about these very same issues. I think it also comes with a workbook. You can buy it online, get it at the library or bookstore, but it is a best selling book. For years, I was in therapy for a very neglectful, traumatic, chaotic, violent childhood with much abandonment, no love or nurturing from an Alcoholic Mother. I grew up very depressed, angry, lashed out, verbally abusive, etc.

I then had enough and went into intensive inpatient and outpatient Psychotherapy. All they said was “severe panic attacks, some type of personality disorder, major depressive disorder. I was out on medication, but it was never the right ones, I could never find the right Psychiatrist who could give me a good screening diagnosis so I could be put on the right meds, even if it was a cocktail of medications, I would have gladly taken that over the battlefield in my mind and rage.

Finalky, I got screened again at a very good mental health clinic, and I was diagnosed with “Borderline Personality Disorder”. Don’t let this scare you. Many people who have this do not do what is sadly portrayed in movies. They are not “nuts” “psycho” and all the other silly labels people want to give you. Many people also do not self harm. I don’t. Many have five years of DBT therapy, and they no longer have the criteria of the disorder. I am on my last year of Psychotherapy and am on a cocktail of excellent medications. No, they are not “antipsychotics” or heavy medications that turn you into a zombie, but since being on them, am a new person..no longer the hateful person lashing out, filled with rage, tantrums, anger, pushing people away like I used to be. BPD is not a life sentence. There is hope, there is help.

The best thing to do is get the right Psychiatrist or Psychotherapist and get screened and get on the right medication. Unfortunately, this problem Can not be “snapped out of” or “willed away”. It takes quality Psychotherapy, anger management, screening for a correct diagnosis, and I strongly suggest that book mentioned earlier. Keep us posted. x

Hi Helen,

I’m so glad you were offered some insight that was helpful. Please post anytime you would like. Let us know how therapy is going, should you choose to go. I hope you will consider the screening questionnaire for a good diagnosis. Let me know how you like the book. We care, and are here for you. x