Just to preface this post in a way that perhaps will help shape your advice: I consider myself a highly sensitive guy, extroverted, emotionally accessible (and vulnerable), and most likely neurotic etc.

<<< THE CONTEXT >>>
Basically I’ve started seeing a girl but it’s very early. We’ve only been on a couple of dates but we’ve been talking for probably two months or so since we’re each coming up to really busy exam periods. I had no preconceptions about her at all. I’ve really enjoyed the times we’re together, the times we just chill, and even the fragmented conversations we commit over phone and email. Both of us haven’t been interested in forcing anything but rather letting a natural friendship develop. I hadn’t really known her reasons for this but mine were very basic: I’d just come out of a really intense breakup late last year, of which the residual hurt, loneliness, and abandonment issues were, even as recent as the start of this year, still impacting on me. I definitely didn’t want our friendship (and any advancing of it) to be influenced by this and so I made sure I was completely over my ex before progressing with her.

Anyway, on our last date, which lasted for the better half of a day, I invited her over to mine to which she quickly declined, becoming quite noticeably flustered. I was really down on the situation because she pledged no real reason, deciding instead to cast a tonne of trite and obvious ‘excuses’. We left on good terms but it really affected me. Only about half an hour later she apologised for her abruptness, telling me a whole lot of personal stuff, most significant of which was a non-consensual incident that had happened with a previous guy she was seeing, completely disabling her ability to trust. That made a lot of sense to me and I talked to her about it and told her I appreciated her openness. She also told me she wanted to trust me more and felt being open with me was a pathway to doing that but that we needed to take things slow. She also explained to me that she has a very hard time being emotive and comfortable with her feelings. Generally she is the type to not address problems and would rather be evasive to avoid getting into vulnerable states. Again, not a problem at all. Everyone is pathologically and psychologically different and yet relationships transcend these differences to establish very constructive, caring, and loving bonds. Apart from our very different emotional needs, you should know we get along really well and have a lot in common to the point that a few days following, she told me she was pursuing feelings for me. I wasn’t expecting this but it definitely fired my own feelings for her.

<<< THE POINT OF MY TOPIC >>>
I’m the opposite of anything introverted as I’ve mentioned and lately I’ve been having a hard time reconciling the fact that she so emotionally dissimilar, to the point that she seems distant. My relationships with past girls – in fact every girl – have always reinforced to me that being emotionally available, sensitive, and highly expressive with my feelings are traits that are really appreciated. They always help me truly connect with girlfriends (and even guys) because, to me, communicating and being attentive is the truest and most genuine way of displaying interest. Lately, however, I feel with her as though I’m always initiating conversations, I’m always making time for her, I’m always specialising her, and just generally I’m wanting to hear from her more than she wants to hear from me etc. Therefore because she doesn’t want to talk about problems and open up and continue confiding in me, I am left feeling emotionally devastated a lot of the time. The result is making me come across as needy and overly emotional when I’m not like that – or at least haven’t been before. I’ve dated 3 girls seriously and I’m 26, so I guess that shows that I’m not one to quickly jump into anything, nor have I ever casualised sex. I’m just a nice, attractive, professional guy who is rapidly having feelings for someone who will probably never understand ‘me’ or reciprocate in the way I want (need?) them to or perhaps the way I feel I deserve.

I’ve only brought these sentiments up with her a couple of times and each time she tells me it’s just who she is and it’s nothing to worry about. She tells me she doesn’t find me needy or clingy and on the times I feel I’m getting too attached she actually tells me she appreciates the attention. She has also admitted to me numerous times that she has a problem showing affection but that that shouldn’t deter me from showing it to her, it’s just she feels awkward repaying it to the level I give it. This in mind, I’ve even been reducing my interactions with her to the point that she then starts to communicate a lot more and wonder why I’m suddenly not acting like I usually do. It’s given me some temporary reprieve but it’s also an indirect manipulation to get her to respond more. It’s not healthy and I don’t enjoy doing it anyway because it’s not natural. And to be honest I’m not fake like that: if I like a girl, I want free rein over expressing that to her. I want to talk and flirt in whatever way I want without constricting myself to some shallow game-playing routine.

<<< RAMBLINGS >>>
Anyway, I told her all this is fine but more and more I’m feeling that down the track they could become bigger problems – bigger only because they are currently smaller problems that are refused any kind of remedy. But, I mean, are they even problems? The fact that she is so closed off whilst I am so willing to wear my heart out should not be perceived as individual flaws but perhaps something closer to mutual exclusivity? I’m not sure. All I really know is that I like this girl and my gut instinct is to run with something here and take it for what it is. At the end of the day, we’re both self-aware enough to know that our emotional sensibilities are completely different. This isn’t innately a bad thing, I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else has had an experience like this. I’m not throwing her away just because of a refusal to compromise. I want to see what happens but I just wish I could stop feeling so needy around her when I know, and have chosen to accept, that this is just who she is and her lack or reduced tendency to be loving and sharing and open is not to be taken personally and offensively. If I truly want to continue with her I need to (a) get over my neurotic ideals about communication and affirmation ‘equality’ and accept our differences or (b) move on and find someone I can ‘more easily’ relate to. What should I do?